Formula 1 commentators have been warned they face the death penalty this Sunday if the Chinese Grand Prix is not exciting.
Travel documents have been requisitioned from TV crews already in Shanghai, leading other crews to cancel their trip and rely on local CCTV for their coverage.
The TV crew of 400 have all been caught in the crackdown, having toured Hong Kong and Tibet in the lead-up to the big event and now only a big crash with serious but non-fatal injuries can mean they see their families again in Chiswick, West London.
If Sebastian Vettel starts in pole position and wins without being overtaken, excluding pitstops - one commentator from each crew will be shot by firing squad and the rest of the team will have to forgo their TV equipment for a new life on the railways.
Conversely, and as a mark of compassion, authorities have agreed that if there is an enormous crash with a fireball and a track official gets sliced in half, then TV crews will receive a paddy field each for such a sizzling day of action.
Organisers expressed their disappointment that Mark Blundell is no longer part of the team.
