The Beginner's Guide Part 5: Ten Things To Know About Sport

Funny story written by Nick Hobbs

Thursday, 10 November 2011

image for The Beginner's Guide Part 5: Ten Things To Know About Sport
Sport...the facts!


To some a pastime, to others a way to unwind from the stresses of the day.

And to other others it's a job.

Others still find sport a thing that 'other people do'!

But whatever it is, it's sport! A competitive, energy depleting activity, designed to get you fit, sweaty and worked up!

Here we delve in to ten things you need to know about all types of sport, so jog on...

1. Running is by far the most popular sport in the world. Over 70 million people run on a daily basis. Some for pleasure, some for fitness and others just for a bus. There are many forms of running. Running slowly is called jogging, after it's inventor Brian Jogging, running quickly is called sprinting, after it's inventor Dereck Rushmore. A medium tempo run is just called running, because it is. The fastest runner ever was Forbes Tilsley of Doncaster. After realising he was late for the birth of his daughter, Julia, and finding his car unable to start, Forbes completed the six mile run to the hospital in a record three minutes 15 seconds. His wife still hit him with a magazine on his arrival.

2. Golf is a sport that involves a lot of walking. The aim of the sport is to hit a small, hard ball in to small holes in a highly manicured field. Various sandpits are placed around the 'course', so players can build castles to relieve boredom during 'rounds'. A caddy usually accompanies players, and they carry all the clubs in a long leather sack, called a bag. Each club has a different number, like a '9 iron', denoting it's the ninth club in the bag, and is made of metal. This numbering system helps the caddy identify the club, and put it back in the right place when his master has missed.

3. Football has the largest following of any sport worldwide. Teams of eleven men take the field of play and kick an inflated bag of air around for ninety minutes. Professional players are paid millions of pounds a day for playing, and most of them are not even capable of scoring one goal a game. Most big teams spend each day training their players. Training involves kicking a ball to each other, heading a ball to each other, falling over in a dramatic style and whining to the referee about how that 'was/wasn't a penalty/free-kick/sending-off' and calling him a c*** on national TV.

4. Darts is not, and never will be a sport.

5. The Olympics is a large international sports event. Held every four years, to allow competitors to rest, each nation sends their best sportsmen and women to compete in all manner of competitive events. Swimming, running, shot put, cycling and trampolining are all events at the games, and most medals are won by China, unless it's the running events, in which case it's Africa. Each games is held in a different country, and traditionally the host nation spends far too much on getting ready for it (building new stadiums, planning opening ceremonies etc) but they always perform extremely well. This is due to cheating. But more about that later.

6. Horse racing is traditionally partaken by extremely short Irishmen. They dress up in colourful silks and satins, and then perch atop the tallest horse they can find. They then beat the living daylights out of the beast with leather whips, and zoom around an oval course as fast as they can. Some courses have hedges on, and the horses often fall when attempting to jump over them. The horses that fall are then shot in the face, and boiled down for glue. Or dog meat. The jockeys (or riders) are unfortunately not. Fat men in macs often stand around in betting shops, smoking roll ups and spending all their money on the 'next race' in the vain hopes that they'll get some 'winnings', before venturing home to be beaten by their wives.

7. Dog racing is identical to horse-racing, but without the Irish and jumps.

8. Formula 1 car racing is the most expensive sport ever. Cars cost in excess of a million pounds a piece. The steering wheel alone in a car is worth hundreds of thousands of pounds. Drivers are some of the most athletic people in the world, often training for days at a time. They often employ other sports for their training, such as running, cycling and jumping over a piece of rope. There are hundreds of rules in car racing, and they change daily. From how many tyre changes you can have, to how much wind you're allowed to put through your rear spoiler. Most of the people at the head of Formula 1 only like money. They don't even drive themselves, employing chauffeurs instead. Teams are often caught cheating in Formula 1, but no one is ever disqualified, because there's too much money involved.

9. Extreme sports have become very popular in recent years. Bungee jumping, rock climbing and crossing the road in a busy city centre have all become part of adrenaline junkies search for a fix. Many people who attempt extreme sports give them up just as quickly, when they realise how stupid they are being. Sport is dangerous enough without adding stupidity to the mix.

10. Fact-flood!! The high jump is completely pointless! Running is a great cardio-vascular workout, but don't try it whilst carrying a pair of scissors! Never try swimming in clogs, the wood will split when water-logged! No winner of cycling's Tour de France has ever done it riding a tricycle! Never stand down field of a javelin thrower, they're notorious for not showering!

Join us next time for The Beginner's Guide Part 6: Ten Things To Know About Drinking

For Part 1: Space go here.
For Part 2: Religion go here.
For Part 3: Classical Music go here.
For Part 4: Travel go here.

The funny story above is a satire or parody. It is entirely fictitious.

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