McLaren pit crew rushed to hospital

Written by IainB

Thursday, 17 November 2011

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Pit crew member removed the wrong nuts

Neil Downs, from the McLaren pit crew was rushed to Sao Paulo hospital this weekend ahead of the next Grand Prix in Brazil following an horrific accident in the McLaren pit area.

"Neil was using the pneumatic tire remover," said Pit boss, Tyrone Michelin. "These are very powerful devices that spin at several hundred revolutions per second."

According to Michelin Downs had been overcome with curiosity about the device he had used so many times, and attempted to masturbate using it.

"The result was very messy," said Michelin. "There was quite a lot of blood, due to the nut remover removing his nuts."

Ambulance crews arrived on the scene very quickly, but there was nothing they could salvage to take with them to hospital for reattachment.

"We found bits all over the engine management computer," said Michelin. "And the spare brake pads. And the tyre stack. There was even some in the wheel arch of the car. God knows how it got there."

Despite losing a lot of blood, Downs is now in a stable condition in the Sao Paulo intensive care unit.

"It's unlikely that Neil will be back to work any time soon," said Michelin. "If he ever wants to come back. I can't imagine what it would be like to be emasculated like that. It's bound to affect his performance in the pit. And he's not going to be wanting to use the pneumatic nut remover either."

Maclaren do have a backup pit crew member, and have put safety measures in place to ensure that such a tragedy never happens again.

"We're going to use bigger nuts," said Michelin.

The story above is a satire or parody. It is entirely fictitious.

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