Professor says "oh no" to online onanism

Funny story written by niall

Thursday, 3 November 2011


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Recently there has been a lot of controversy relating to the modern world's effects on the developing brain. However, one area in particular has been overlooked, until now.

Professor Susan Fallowfield notes "My previous work has shown that the poor are not stupid because of their penchant for fast food, idleness, incredulity at the idea of work or wholehearted adherence to the wearing of gym clothes despite only ever exercising when attempting to make good their escape from the police… but rather due to the amount of brain power dedicated to remembering and deciphering their absurd accents".

Interestingly, she contends, recent speculation into how technology impacts on young people has focussed on entirely the wrong areas. Generally speaking reports fall into two camps, those stating that video games make children more violent and those decrying the effects of social networking sites on users' ability to form normal healthy relationships. There are also those who resent scaremongering and prefer to adhere to the accepted scientific method of publishing claims along with evidence but let's ignore them.

She is concerned about new theories which point to grave damage being done to vital aspects of male adolescent development through internet pornography's effects on the areas of the brain connected to a complex bank of cells named after their Swiss discoverer Gestalt Ouank
Previously, to become aroused and climax young men would have to volitionally utilise their imagination to access key areas of the visual cortex, working memory, the midbrain and narrative streams to envisage a scenario in which coitus might occur (sexy teachers, being a plumber with a randy housewife). Having instigated such processes they would then be free to get to grip with themselves and pump pearls from their fleshy oysters to their hearts' content.

Prof Fallowfield says that "The advance of freely available internet pornography has made these areas of the brain redundant meaning that the ability to envisage hypothetical scenarios has undergone a steady decline over the past 20 years resulting in the current levels of entropy…frankly I fear for the day that a 'wanking spanner' or 'silk tunnel' is accurately simulated as males would then fail to develop fundamental fine motor co-ordination skills as well".

Prof Fallowfield has refuted suggestions that her concerns are based solely on her less than commendable appearance rendering the chances of any future lover being able to close his eyes and go into the red at the Ouank bank in order to reach climax as unfounded. She does, however, acknowledge her displeasure at young men's once mighty but now flaccid, impotent imagination.

When asked if she is likely to get round to publishing research on the areas on which she so liberally passes judgement she declined to comment other than to say that her son is always on her computer.

Prof Fallowfield stressed the need for an end to easy access to online pornography for young men instead restricting them to Grattan catalogues and the occasional moderately attractive woman with a see-through blouse.

The funny story above is a satire or parody. It is entirely fictitious.

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