Top Ten Reasons USC Lost To Texas

Funny story written by Ted Haxton Jr.

Saturday, 7 January 2006

image for Top Ten Reasons USC Lost To Texas
Texas Longhorns Beat USC Trojans for National Championship

(With apologies to Mr. Letterman, the following are the top ten reasons why the USC Trojans lost the National Championship Game to the University of Texas Longhorns ):

10. SC missed too many 1st quarter opportunities because they were dazed and stunned by the amazing sight of the B-2 Bomber pre-game flyover; the Trojans were worried that the pilot might forget where he was and strafe the field or drop a few smart bombs on the SC Band.
9. Trojans fearful that the Texas Longhorns would believe they were playing that other USC team, the University of South Carolina Gamecocks, for the National Championship.
8. Players from SC blinded by all the flashbulbs going off on every play; they couldn't even see Texas QB Vince Young, much less tackle him.
7. Trojan's coach Pete Carroll wasn't allowed to call time out when he looked up and saw that his best player Reggie Bush wasn't in the game on that last SC 4th quarter, 4th down offensive play.
6. Texas QB Vince Young didn't play fair, wouldn't just stand in pocket and let the behemoth SC defensive linemen knock him silly.
5. Trojans confused about why Reggie Bush tattooed his SAT score (619) under both eyes.
4. SC players kept listening to all the national media hype about their team being the greatest thing since chopped liver and sliced bread; they started to believe it until the liver went rancid and the bread turned moldy late in the 4th quarter.
3. SC players puzzled about all the pre-game talk of "Bush declaring for the draft." They were paranoid that it meant George Dubya was re-starting the draft and that they would have to go to some Far-East country and fight in a war for people who hate Americans.
2. Referees' cheated Trojans when they didn't call Young down when he made the illegal lateral in the 2nd quarter on Texas' first touchdown drive. SC Law School graduate, Rich "Butch" S.Y. Pitt, III, announced after the game that his law firm, S. Crew Hamm & Howe, would be filing a lawsuit to overturn the game's outcome and declare SC the winner. "And we have SC Law School Alumni in every important courtroom in the nation," continued Pitt, "so we're practically guaranteed a victory in court! Fight on!"
1. SC players kept stepping in Trojan Equine Mascot Traveler's doody on the sidelines. Evidently, he'd been fed some university cafeteria food for his pre-game meal and was suffering from the, err… runs. The smell made the Trojans woozy, and they couldn't make any sharp cuts on the playing field because the green, slimy sh… uh, stuff was caught in their cleats.

The funny story above is a satire or parody. It is entirely fictitious.

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