I Inherited Lord Boothby's Recipe Books, Claims Anatolian Goat-Skinner
The Two David Livingstones have hit a snag with the new bungalow in Boxgrove. "The life-size waxwork of Daniel Lambert won't fit through the front door", said David Livingstone, yesterday.
How To Nurture Your Inner Thomsons Gazelle
The papier mache bust of Hereward The Wake crisis has reached new levels at Dorchester pub The Running Sore. "Now we've found more damned busts wedged up the chimneys," said landlord Colin Drab, yesterday.
Ted Heath's Toby Jug Collection Stolen
Pontefract hot water bottle designer, Colin Artefact, has abandoned his attempt to recreate the ebony hot water bottles of the early Hittite queens (or Tawananna). "You can't get the wood," he said.
Robbie WIlliams To Rent Gobi Desert As Ego Storage
Dorking bachelor, Dick Palmer, has fallen out with his imaginary wife. "She's gone to stay at her mum's," he said, yesterday. "I'm back to wanking over thoughts of a naked Joan Bakewell stroking an okapi.
Owls Nesting in Jacob Rees-Mogg
"Coldplay are awful," claims Prince Ferdinand Georg August of Saxe-Coburg and Gotha, "and that Chris Martin is a tedious prick. I can see it, and I've been dead since 1851. What's wrong with these people?"
I Sent My Turds To Art Garfunkle's Gardener, Claims Roy Cropper Actor
Billericay eel-strangler, Gladys Stencil, is no fan of the Octopus. "Slippery bastards! I had a go at one once," she reminisced, yesterday. "Next thing yer know, I had me 'ands on a bleedin' coral branch!
Bishop Swallows Theodolite
A stone age cave drawing of Victor Borge and Violet Carson playing leapfrog with Lulu on Saltcoats Pier while Arthur Askey breaks up a Hittite Chariot for kindling, has been spoiled by chalk graffiti.
Kissinger Confesses: My Threesome With Topol And Jimmy Hill
Little Richard had a flock of imaginary passenger pigeons in his spare bedroom at the flat in Doncaster. He said he was "saving them from extinction in his mind, if not the so-called real world."
Scarborough Bans Gordon Ramsay
"I wrote Dostoyevsky's The Idiot", claims Devon watering-can repairer, Adelbert Lossiemouth. "I had the plot and characters all ready to go, but Dostoyevsky got published before I got it written down."
Winston Churchill's Nude Capybara Nightmare
"It's important to stay positive during the lockdown," says veteran entertainer, Rolf Harris. "I keep cheerful by watching old videos of Jim'll Fix It and It's a Knockout, and listening to Dave Lee Travis.
Sue Barker's Garden Gnome Hell
Devon farmer John Barleycorne, the first man to have cement ears fitted, is a fan of offensive comedian Roy "Chubby" Brown and the sacred polyphony of William Byrd.