Heat Hits New York City!
The heat hit NYC so hard today that over 100 bums were openly whizzing on the sidewalks, hoping to get a ride in an air conditioned car to an air conditioned jail.
written by Bureau, 09 July 2013
First Day of Ramadan!
Joe Biden: So let's celebrate! Who brought the piñatas?
written by Bureau, 09 July 2013
Muslim Festival of Ramadan Begins
I always get this mixed up. Mormons own Marriott, Muslims own Ramada. Right?
written by Bureau, 09 July 2013
U.S. Cavier Getting a Worldly Reputation as Black Gold
Trouble is, dollar so worthless we can't afford to eat it.
written by Bureau, 09 July 2013
Russia sacks head of Bolshoi ballet
That's the last time any dancer pads out their crown jewels area of their tights with a copy of the Russian Constitution!
written by queen mudder, 09 July 2013
Whew! That Was Close!
Nine months after town's sperm bank explosion brings great sighs of relief. "We're rebuilding it out of town, down wind", says Councilman.
written by Bureau, 09 July 2013
Whole Small Midwestern Town Afraid To Move
This after Mayor got note from NSA saying, "Not very virile are you?"
written by Bureau, 09 July 2013
Paula Deen Can't Take It Anymore
She was finally pushed over the edge today when Martha Stewart defriended her on Facebook.
written by Bureau, 09 July 2013
McDonald's Trying To Help
Fast food giant McDonald's say they are trying to help those in U.S. living on fixed income. The $1.00 specials will include "Pink Slime with meat chunks On Cracker" & "Cup of Day's End Fried Pieces".
written by Bureau, 09 July 2013
Osama Bin Laden Raid as Seen By Terror Leader's Family: Report
"Our Osama died fighting for his freedom. He killed 57 navy SEALS and wounded over 100 with a fork after ammo gave out."
written by Bureau, 09 July 2013
Largest Nev. fires still growing near Vegas, Reno
Odds are ten to one Reno survives, one hundred to one that Vegas makes it. Trouble is, if you win and one burns down, where would you collect it from?
written by Bureau, 09 July 2013
The No-Surgery Facelift That Horrifies Surgeons
"I wasted 8 yrs of schooling & owe all these student loans & some kid in a lab invents something called 'Firmapuss'?, cries doctor. "Hey maybe I can reverse the process & shrink some hemorroids!"
written by Bureau, 09 July 2013
Illinois is last U.S. state to allow concealed carry of guns
"The NRA may celebrate but I for one will not be going to a Cub/White Sox game again", says local.
written by Bureau, 09 July 2013
Russia: Syrian rebels made, used sarin nerve gas
We can prove it ambassador tells the UN. He then produces the record where Russia sold it to rebels.
written by Bureau, 09 July 2013
Edward Snowden: U.S., Israel 'Co-Wrote' Cyber Super Weapon Stuxnet
Also suspected of invented new Yankeedoodleshalam superbug together.
written by Bureau, 09 July 2013
Human skull found near ninth hole on golf course
"I've seen them bend clubs over knees, throw clubs in lake, throw entire set of clubs into lake but apparently this was the first one to get so mad he pulled his own head off", says groundskeeper.
written by Bureau, 09 July 2013
IRS exposes thousands of Social Security numbers
Over 50 taxpayers expose ass in front of IRS offices!
written by Bureau, 09 July 2013
Cops Stop Taxi Driver Because of Large Turban
"We let him go after a quick check", says patrolman. "He had a block of ice under there. It's that hot here in Chicago!"
written by Bureau, 09 July 2013
Chinese Having More Effect on US Currency
Starting in 2014, all new bills and coins will state "Year of the Horse" on them.
written by Bureau, 09 July 2013
Just Now In
A Mr. Johnson J. Johnson of Marmalade West Virginia has passed away after winning their 4th of July Hog Eating Contest. Third year in a roll. This time Runner-Up Quit after the souse.
written by Bureau, 09 July 2013
30,000 CA prisoners refuse meals in apparent hunger strike
"Leave them alone", says warden. "They're saving the state over a hundred thousand dollars."
written by Bureau, 09 July 2013
Cantor Scolds Committee Chairmen For Rebellion
But he does it with such a beautiful voice.
written by Bureau, 09 July 2013
Conservatives Rally to Kill Bill
Bill Owens was a Democrat Representative from New York. "It had to be done", says Rand Paul. "Only one of us had a real bullet."
written by Bureau, 09 July 2013
Obama plans road trip to push immigration
"There he goes again", says GOP's Rand Paul. "This time it's apparently a bird immigration. If you ask me, it's another big spending wild goose chase."
written by Bureau, 09 July 2013
'Dead' woman wakes up on operating table as organs about to be removed
"whoa Jack! Where are you headed with my kidney?"
written by Bureau, 09 July 2013
Revolutionary blood test could predict how long person will live
"One thing we have already learned is that a lot depends on the amount of your blood we collect", says doctor. "The family of those volunteers will be taken care of."
written by Bureau, 09 July 2013
NYPD Releases Gas In Subway For Attack Drill
Fill drunks full of free beer and beans and send them underground for an hour. "At least this type of gas won't kill subway riders while we test our results", says Mayor.
written by Bureau, 09 July 2013
Making nuclear energy cheaper
But nuclear physicist warns that making the device at home "should be kept to yourself."
written by Bureau, 09 July 2013
Pollution shortens lives in China
Many experts there say that average height now under 5 foot one. "We think it is body's natural way for mouth & nose to be below smog level."
written by Bureau, 09 July 2013
Snowden in limbo at Moscow airport
However, he sends out report that he is NOT Catholic!
written by Bureau, 09 July 2013
Floods trap Toronto train riders
"Someone left the caboose door open", says conductor. "How many times do I have to tell them?"
written by Bureau, 09 July 2013
McCain Still Wandering Around Overseas
"He keeps mentioning something called 'the teapot dome' at home", says one leader he has met. "He also elbows you in the ribs and laughs about 'a cat's pajamas'."
written by Bureau, 09 July 2013
Global Corruption Soars!
Everyone experiencing shock and awe as public never heard of such a thing before.
written by Bureau, 09 July 2013
Egypt's new president limits his powers
"No 'Ruler-For-Life' will be in my presidency!", he assures the Egyptian people.
written by Bureau, 09 July 2013
5 things to start your 'New Day'
One custered-filled long john and four regular doughnuts or as most shops call them, "The Coppers' Special".
written by Bureau, 09 July 2013
Visalia Copper Wire Thieves Caught
Police say two South Valley men who stole more than $200,000 worth of property are in jail. "One is pleading that he was planning to melt it down to make copper bracelets for the poor with arthritis."
written by Bureau, 09 July 2013
White House Has Known For Months Obamacare Implementation Wouldn't Work
"We just had to get that stupid election thing out of the way", says Senator.
written by Bureau, 09 July 2013
U.S. considers pulling all troops from Afghanistan: officials
This is the eighteenth time if you're keeping a scorecard. Of course, they always say "considering".
written by Bureau, 09 July 2013
Golden Corral Under Investigation After 'Dumpster Ribs' Video Surfaces
They are also looking into their turddunken special.
written by Bureau, 09 July 2013
Credit Cards Now Offering 0% APR for 18 Months
But watch out that 19th month or they own your soul!
written by Bureau, 09 July 2013
No bull: Jets coach Rex Ryan twice takes part in running of bulls in Pamplona
Well, that explains their playing on defense the past two years. You need to begin running "towards" the foe, Ryan!
written by Bureau, 09 July 2013
Late to the Chinese market, Ford aims to catch up
"First thing we do is knock down Henry's old rickshaw building with conveyor belt", says spokesman.
written by Bureau, 09 July 2013
ACLU Upset Over Hernandez Single-Bed Cell.
Then put the big ape in a zoo. Why is the ACLU never defending the beaten up guards, police, etc?
written by Bureau, 09 July 2013
Limbaugh Out For Three-Four Weeks
Talk Radio has announced that Rush Limbaugh will be off the air for 3-4 weeks due to tongue tying itself into knot during heated argument over high taxes!
written by Bureau, 09 July 2013
Ben Bernanke In Trouble?
Ben Bernanke may be in trouble after NSA shows pics that show Bernanke handing darts to monkey and pointing towards stock market map on wall. Then Bernanke running with 2 darts in ass.
written by Bureau, 09 July 2013
Europe Doesn't Know What To Do About Egypt
Just in case, France surrenders to both sides.
written by Bureau, 09 July 2013
College students high on education
To increase student enrollment and retention, Blue Ridge Community College (NC) offers a beer guzzling major. After consuming 1,600 12-ounce beers (any brand), students receive a bachelor's degree.
written by Gee Pee, 09 July 2013
Enid, OK man arrested
A strip club owner was arrested for shouting at Enid, Oklahoma, police, who were offended by his cursing. "He shot his mouth off, so we arrested him," cops say, "the Constitution be damned."
written by Gee Pee, 09 July 2013
JC Penney seeks image makeover
To avoid controversy, retailer JC Penney will no longer do business with Paula Deen. However, the company is retaining lesbian entertainer and activist Ellen Degenerate as its spokesperson-mascot.
written by Gee Pee, 09 July 2013
JC Penney: "no more apologies!"
JC Penney is "through apologizing" for "being different." In addition, the retailer's CEO Mike Ullman said, "We never really meant any of our previous apologies, anyway. To hell with middle America!"
written by Gee Pee, 09 July 2013
Walmart tops list
Along with Hershey's, Coca-Cola, JC Penney's, and Disney, Walmart tops the list of the "10 Most Pathetic Brands" in a recent survery of U. S. consumers. "We're so proud!" the companies' CEOs said.
written by Gee Pee, 09 July 2013
Twinkies last "forever"
Genetically modified Hostess Twinkies now have a shelf life of "pretty much forever," the company claims. "I can't wait to eat a Twink!" actor and spokesman Alec Baldwin tweeted.
written by Gee Pee, 09 July 2013
Secret of Golden Corral's success
A former Golden Corral employee turned whistleblower, uploading a video, shot with his cell phone, showing the restaurant's servers removing diners' "food" from Dumpsters! Bon appetite!
written by Gee Pee, 09 July 2013
