Dem floats proposal to allow Congress to vote from home.
Or swimming pool behind home. Or during a blackjack break at Vegas and watching the Dancing Waters. Or from his/her yacht.
POLL: Approval of Supreme Court Falls to All-Time Low.
Strike Three! The president, congress and now the supreme court. Did someone say, "Revolution"?
Singer singing the IRS blues
Singer Lauryn Hill, who failed to report $1.8 million income to the IRS, blames the tax agency for the 3-month prison sentence she's been served: "Everybody know black folks don't pay no damn taxes!"
Alec Baldwin apologizes for being homophobic
Homophobic actor Alec Baldwin apologized for bashing gays on Twitter: "If I were a white celebrity cook, instead of a cool white dude, it'd be over for me," he admitted. "Sorry to disappoint."
Bush on why he won't criticize Obama
"He's on my secret conspiracy brotherhood group. Sorry, I can't show you the secret tail shake."
Neon Deion thankful to God for divorce
Former football great "Neon" Deion Sanders thanked God for ending his marriage to his late wife Pilar. "I only pray, now," he said, "that God finds me a new girlfriend with big boobs and a tight ass."
Biden Warned One Last Time To Clam Up
"He's learning Klingon", says aide. "That way when he blabs a secret, most people will have no idea what he's saying but HE will and that seems to do the trick."
Bugout at U.N. Headquarters
U.S. Ambassador: Only about 25% of those are ours. My own office found 12, 6 were made in China. How many do YOU have in our overseas offices?
Watch put for those bums that are asking for enough money to purchase a cup of coffee. The same amount for buying a Barnes & Noble "Quadriginoctuple Frap" can buy six bottles of Night Train.
Arkansas Bar Installs Health Guard
Joe Hog Taylor, barkeeper at The Purple Nose says that they have installed a new Puke Shield along the bar & tables. "All you have to do at the table is when you hear a heave, pull the dangling rope."
Bank Fees Being Questioned
All "Honeys" still free but customer pat on butt by smiling lady saying "Go get them Tiger!" fee of $15 seems a bit overboard.
Methodists May Change Name
American Methodists may change name to Procedurists. The old name was fine until people began making meth drugs, say church leaders.
Cameron promotes business ties with Krappistan
"What I meant to say was Krautistan..Kurdhopperistan..Kirkis.. Whatever."
Paul Springs Weatherman Fired Over Heat
Told TV audience last evening that it was hotter than a crotch and dry as a popcorn fart!
Vatican and Eastern Orthodox Still In Disagreement
Between the two, they have over 100 relics of St. Paul. Protestant says that St Paul must have been ten feet tall, had five feet, three arms and over 90 fingers on eight hands.
Report: Snowden has asked for asylum in Russia
"Plenty of room in Siberia", says Putin. "Might even catch a glance of Sarah Palin killing a bear."
Obama seeks to build Africa business ties before leaving
"We're making big plans for huge open trade pact between the United States and Burundi, maybe even the Congo."
Parliamentary committee 'too busy' to question intelligence agencies
"It's summer people! Time to hit the beaches, the golf courses, the tennis courts!", says one member. "And I think that speaks for everyone here!" (Here! Here!),
Obama warns of 'rot of corruption' in Africa
"Just take a look at our country. That's what will happen here if you people don't straighten out."
Jessica Simpson gives birth to boy called Ace.....Bart is said to be over the moon and Homer is on a bender!
written by Herrdoktorfox, 01 July 2013
Women's Group Protests Superman
"With those x-ray eyes you cannot hide yourself. He must wear special shade", says spokeswoman. "Why, he gives you that Up & Down look...he's worse than Clark Kent."
Farrah Goes to Rehab for Booze
"Well, she certainly won't find any here", says receptionist.
Centuries-old skull of white man baffles Australians
"Our precise dating is that he was here in the 15th, 16th or 17th century and he was between the age of 21 and 94", says Anthropologist.
Meteorologist Fired After One Night's News
"I should have been suspicious during the interview when Jay admitted that he knew very little about meteors", stated Newsroom boss.
Citigroup agrees to pay $968M to Fannie Mae
CEO writes out check, tells Fanny to take it and shove it!
Mom Forbids Others From Saying 'Fat' Around Daughter
"And NO! you can't say 'The Water Rat!' around her either", Mom tells siblings.
Judge to rule on whether yoga tied to religion
"I don't think Mr. Berra should be taught because of his spoonerisms. What? What?" Opponents are expected to appeal either way it goes.
Why Republicans should shut up about Hillary Clinton's age
"Every woman in America will vote against them", says pollster! "She's 39."
Snowden Really Upset!
"First the Russian airport won't let me get some different clothes. I've been wearing these for almost 2 weeks. Now I find that my right shoe is bugged by NSA."
Weather radar shows giant 'storm' of dust, bugs in Texas
"I guess we should be grateful that we only have NSA bugs here", says DC resident.
Bush on Snowden: 'He damaged the security of the country'
George W. "Daddy I was going to say that...diddle dang!"
Page 3 girl's place safe in The Sun
London's tabloid newspaper, The Sun, assures readers that its infamous Page 3 Girl will remain "prominently displayed," even if news items must be deleted. "Nudes before news" is the paper's motto.
Kate Moss makes naked fashion statement
Actress Kate Moss appears naked with a pair of Versace "flesh tone" funbags in an upcoming ad. The minimalist approach of the ad apparently includes the exclusion of Kate's clothes.
Celebs with no nudity clauses in their contracts
Not every Hollyweird strumpet will get naked on film for money. In fact, the list of those who refuse to do so is surprisingly long: Sarah Michelle Gellar, Reese Witherspoon, and Julia Roberts.
True Facts From Snoops: #499
Warren Spoon of the 1899 Washington Gumbies threw the first touchdown pass. Before that, teams usually ran the ball 98.9% of the time, mostly because the ball back then was made from pig bladders.
Samuel L. Jackson: no nudes is good news
Actor Samuel L. Jackson hates getting naked with leading ladies, feeling they may be insulted if they fail to arouse him. He's disappointed a lot of ladies, he admits. "I'm a hard guy to please."
Clegg tells British politicians that they can no longer live in the past.
Clegg: Compo Simmonite is dead and gone. We just have to let him go and get on with work today.
Helicopter lands in NYC's Hudson River; all safe
"It's a good thing that river is so full of junk", says pilot.
Arizona shows Nevada how it's done
To no avail, Nevada has been trying to kill residents with blistering 3-digit temperatures. Arizona showed its northern neighbor how it's done, killing 19 firefighetrs at once in a massive wildfire.
They really are friends! The lynx and the chimp who have become the best of pals
Lynx even seems to be fattening up chimp by bringing him extra food.
Visit your parents... or risk being sued: New Chinese law demands offspring keep in touch with the elderly
Ouija Boards sales go through the roof as many say parents have died.
Texas Man May Change Identity To Protect Himself
Texas man wrongly extradited to Miami TWICE for armed robbery and kidnapping committed by man with same name and birthday. "I guess I'm going to have to get a fake ID before they leave me alone."
Jennifer Lopez apologizes for singing 'Happy Birthday' to brutal dictator accused of torture
"At least sitting in his lap with my big booty while singing has caused him to become impotent.
Germany rip U.S. secret surveillance...
They're acting like a bunch of Nazis over there.
KERRY: 'Spying on allies is not unusual' #2
Kerry: We all do it. Why I've found more recording bugs than bed bugs during the few months at my new job. We used to use Jay Leno's fake chin every time he talked to guests during commercials.
New leaks show how USA is bugging its European allies
Kerry: Just like everyone else we pay off the highest guy in the government that we can. And, believe me, every country has those that are constantly dropping hints.
KERRY: 'Spying on allies is not unusual'
"I mean, how else are we really going to know if they are actually allies? Politicians sometimes lie."
Mrs Harriet Wilson of Taunton has claimed to have invented the first machine to render humans invisible. It obviously works well as nobody has been able to locate her for about three weeks. Golly!
written by whatinthe world, 01 July 2013
Why The Long Face?
John Kerry says that he doesn't mean to frown so much. "It's that Bush family. Barbara had a doll of me made in Haiti and every single day she farts on it."
Press See, Hear, Say No Evil Against Obama
Kentucky Senator McConnell says that Obama has the Press eating out of his hand. "All he does is borrow money, put our children's future in jeopardy and the press is Yep! Yep! Yep! That and 'BRAINS!'"
West U.S. Is Frying
For the past week the western U.S. has been on a stove top. "If no one can help us, at least someone should turn us all over", states one Palm Springs resident.
Paris Jackson 'better' but misses tribute to dad
"My affliction mostly comes and goes, according to the time of year of those tributes", she tells reporters. "I guess it's because I miss my dud..my dad so much."