The Old Pro
Long time environmental activist always carries a bar of soap in his pocket just in case they turn on the fire house. "That's usually step too after the bullhorn", he tells new guys.
Betty Crocker To Drop Paula Deen Also?
Although they haven't officially told Paula Deen to leave, it could happen any time after this morning's "Betty Baker's Croc Mix". "I'm just nervous she told viewers. I meant Ginger Baker's Croc Mix."
Nader Finally Losing It?
Ralph Nader announced this morning that he will not commit to any team in the NBA during the draft.
Mall Santa Claus Finally Goes to Rehab
"For the past ten years I've been dreaming about throttling the little farts and let me tell you WHY I call them that..."
Number One Answer In High School Tests, Jeopardy?
"The old North Church". Followed by "The Gettysburg Address".
GOP Looking to 2016
The GOP is already looking forward to the next presidential election. Send out poll asking: Who is your favorite Hispanic politician?
Water Boy Sterile
Locker-Room Mix-Up Turns Tragic as young man who served as water boy for football team puts on new shorts belonging to quarterback. Team Center gives hydrogen wedgie resulting in sterility. More later
Local Vampire Crashes, Burns Near Airport
Dateline Transylvania: Local vampire Elmer Snaggletooth crashed and burned near his home here. Elmer was only fifty feet from his coffin but had bitten someone with Alzheimer's.
UCLA Dorm Ruling August 25th
UCLA Dorm to rule on "Hidden Keg" incident as soon as school reopens. Keg was apparently discovered posing as taller water heater at students dorm school's last day. Most pick the nude paddle verdict.
Cartoon Life Different From Real Life!
Kim Jong Nam, Kim Jong Un's Brother, Could Have Been Supreme Leader Of N. Korea. But dad picked Un. Nam apparently took father's cartoons too seriously & ran over cliff yesterday chasing Road Runner.
Syria Looking For Help
Bashar Hafez al-Assad, the President of Syria has posted on eBay that he has "mystery" weapons for sale or trade: Coughcough.org.
Dick Cheney Doing Well After Hunting Accident
Former VP Cheney hobbled home from a hunting trip yesterday after being missing 24 hours. "No, I didn't shoot myself in the face", Cheney told Press, "I stepped in a trap & had to chew my foot off."
Served In Plastic Jugs
Brenkinridge new "Screech Owl Piss" not selling well after a month's trial in marketing. "Shouldn't have used plastic jugs", says brewer.
America's NSA "in bed with" Germany and most others: Snowden
Also, Kissing Cousins with Swiss and holding hands with Saudis. "Didn't you see Bush and Saudi leader in Pics shown all over the world." Later: What are we doing with the French?
Best For Long-Term Food Storage
What's the best item you can purchase that will last for 25 years or more if there is a famine? Fruitcakes! Of course, that's what people will be calling you if they see you stocking up.
Lone Ranger Failure Changes Movie Plans
With "The Lone Ranger" movie becoming a flop, movie makers have given up on making a new movie based on the old TV program "The Jack Lalanne Show".
Dalai Lama calls for 'happier century'
Kentuckians agree. We can lead the states into happier times with legalizing hemp.
More Protests In Egypt
New Leader says "I promise I will be fair to all of our people. But some of you will surely lose your heads if the mobs continue and do something stupid. Lose your head & you will lose your head."
U.S. Denies Accusations
The U.S. Military has denied arming planes with lasers that cut through anything they aim at. "They're all on our satellites", they tell Ambassadors making accusations.
For one thing, ever since news came out that transplanting heads may soon be possible, old men on park benches are watching good-looking guys walking by also.
Jobs Still #1 Priorty With Voters
The number one problem with voters remains the jobs question says poll. "We hate our jobs and want to get checks from the government instead of working" say over 50% of U.S. citizens, non-citizens.
PETA Protests Horsemeat
PETA has launched a protest over the possible OK from Food Police over public buying products that contain horse meat. "The people who want this available are dog meat as far as we are concerned."
No End In Sight
Friends of President tell him that they see no end to gaffs by Joe Biden.
Latest Gay Marriage Report
New study shows that almost 25% of all married gays have filed for divorce over infidelity, clothing choices.
Toyota Designs First "Crash-Friendly" Car
New car has odd design but passengers and driver will be protected by over 30 air bags and twin seat and shoulder straps.
Deen Dumped Again
Paula Deen has been dumped by yet another sponsor. This time it was the NAACP.
Rush Limbaugh on Michelle
"It is now rumored that Michelle Obama had servants peeling her grapes during Africa vacation.
President's Warning About Snowden
"Everyone be on the watch for Snowden. He could be the one that's bringing that funny smell to your kitchen if he has sneaked back here. He hasn't changed clothes for weeks. Try under the sink."
Hundreds Walk to Heal the People, Land and Water in Fort McMurray
Nearly one hundred treated for foot blisters. People, Land & Water show no difference as of yet.
New Bird Species?
A national group of bird watchers had reported a new species of woodpecker two weeks ago now admit that they appear to be drones.
.bye, bye baby...baby bye bye!
Abu baby deported at last...well done GB only 300,000 + more to go!
written by Herrdoktorfox, 07 July 2013
Austria did not search Morales jet in Vienna: president
"No one went aboard to search but, to tell the truth, a hummingbird sized drone did fly inside, take a quick scan", says Austrian President.
The U.S. Already Wants Venezuela to Send Snowden Home
"He hasn't even arrived here yet", says Venezuela spokesman. "Last we heard he was heading for Tom Hanks Island."
House Republicans Draft Their Debt-Ceiling Playbook
Also, respectable tasting beer while waiting to vote. "Sorry about the rings on the playbook", says presenter.
Rolling Stones return to Hyde Park after 44 years
"They are beginning to look a lot like Mr. Hyde", many in the audience tell reporters.
Iran Says Overthrow of Egypt President 'Improper'
Also "uncivilized". "Why wasn't previous leader hanged in the square", ask Iranian leaders. "That has always been our way here."
Awesome prices found on Cowboy Boots
That Joe Buck thinks he's got New York City by the tail.
Snoops True Facts #339
According to Snoops: The 1960's group "Four Jacks & A Jill" almost decided upon the name "Four Jacks & A Mackerel" but changed their mind just before LP release.
This Could Be The Last Time!
Mick Jagger says this is the Stones last run. "After this one I'm retiring. Then everybody will know how old I look, standing beside someone besides Keith Richards. Or maybe a head replacement."
Francis: church shouldn't fear structural renewal
"After all, some of these old buildings have been in need of repair for some time. Oh, you mean about all those bishops I defrocked this morning!"