Another Chinese Toy recalled
This time it's Mr. Grenade Head. Be sure to leave the ring in the right ear alone and return to store (which will escort you to the Firehouse).
written by Bureau, 08 July 2013
Identical Twins Lose Memory In Car Wreck!
"We didn't know which of us was which until we made our husbands undress.", stated Gale. "I knew my Tommy right away. Sorry Kale. Looks like you get the short end of the stick."
written by Bureau, 08 July 2013
Mr. Wiffle Dead
Long time commercial star Mr. Wiffle of Charmin fame squeezed to death by Grizzly while on tour with group in Alaska.
written by Bureau, 08 July 2013
Dr. Oz This Thursday:
"Carnival Pinhead insists that angels are dancing up on top!" What will Dr. Oz recommend?
written by Bureau, 08 July 2013
Rumors of Joe Biden False!
Joe did not barbecue a horse for the 4th of July! "It was for Father's Day", whinnies family joker.
written by Bureau, 08 July 2013
101 Million Americans Receive Food Aid from Federal Gov't.
How much longer before we are placed on reservations?
written by Bureau, 08 July 2013
STIMULUS: Second-largest U.S. employer is temp agency
This should give the job market a boost for at least three weeks!
written by Bureau, 08 July 2013
WH ORDERS: Greek yogurt for school children!
Kids can't wait for their first yogurt fight. Will wind up in garbage with apple.
written by Bureau, 08 July 2013
Justin Bieber's voice changes
Justin Bieber announced that his voice has gotten deeper. "My testicles descended," he announced, "and I sprouted pubic hair." No word yet on whether puberty will adversely affect his teen idol iamge.
written by Gee Pee, 08 July 2013
Alec Baldwin clarifies "homophobic" tweets
"Do I hate gays?" Alec Baldwin tweeted. "It depends on what's in their wallets." He said he was trying out a new slogan for his Capital One commercials, which ask viewers, "What's in your wallet?"
written by Gee Pee, 08 July 2013
Paula Deen tweets Alec Baldwin
Embattled celebrity chef Paula Deen tweeted actor Alec Baldwin: "It could be worse, dear: at least I don't hate gays and you don't hate black folk."
written by Gee Pee, 08 July 2013
Alec Baldwin embraces gays
"I don't hate gays," actor Alec Baldwin insists. "In fact, I love gays; I just wouldn't want to marry one."
written by Gee Pee, 08 July 2013
Alec Baldwin apologizes
Actor Alec Baldwin apologized for bashing gays. "I'm sorry if my comments made limp-wristed, mincing faggots ruin their mascara with all their girly tears," he said.
written by Gee Pee, 08 July 2013
Turkish police fire rubber bullets
Riot police in Turkey fired rubber bullets at demonstrators at Istanbbul's Gezi Park. "I just wish the ecomony would improve enough for us to afford real ammo," one police officer lamented.
written by Gee Pee, 08 July 2013
Snowden's popularity soars
Not only do many Americans regard whistleblower Edward Snowden as a national hero, but his popularity has also soared worldwide, with Russia, Cuba, and Venezuela competing to offer him citizenship.
written by Gee Pee, 08 July 2013
Egypt to start over from scratch
Following the military's ousting of President Mohammed Morsi, Eqypt plans to rebuild from scratch, which is why the army has begun a wholesale slaughter of the nation's citizenry.
written by Gee Pee, 08 July 2013
Is That A Threat?
Congressman who refused identification says he's been told that congress will be broken in half if it rules against steroid use.
written by Bureau, 08 July 2013
Reagan Is Getting Closer
GOP followers of Ronald Reagan have pointed out that on windy days, there isn't a single hair moving on Reagan's head in the old videos. That's his second miracle. "Just one more", says Limbaugh.
written by Bureau, 08 July 2013
George Zimmerman Friends Insist It's His Voice Screaming for Help
"I'd recognize that scream anywhere", stated male friend. "He did that every time he saw a spider."
written by Bureau, 08 July 2013
Bin Laden wore cowboy hat 'to avoid detection': Pakistani report
Apparently Osama bin Laden wore a cowboy hat to avoid detection. "Everybody who saw him thought it was the ghost of Ronald Reagan and kept quiet so they wouldn't lose their jobs", says CIA agent.
written by Bureau, 08 July 2013
Belated Apologizes
Families and friends of the late Red Fox and Moms Mabley apologize for their famous relative using the "N" word on records and tapes over 2,000 times.
written by Bureau, 08 July 2013
China Economy Can Be Imitated
U.S. Treasury Dept. says Chinese prosperity can be copied. "We can either work their hours for what they pay workers OR we can learn to copy their money perfectly." 95% vote for the latter.
written by Bureau, 08 July 2013
San Jose Police To Record Race Of Every Person They Stop, Question
Will no longer accept the one-word answer: "Human".
written by Bureau, 08 July 2013
IRS Mistakenly Exposes Thousands of Social Security Numbers.
"And they all turn out to be Republican voters", says spokesman. "Can you figure the odds of that, you'd win the lottery."
written by Bureau, 08 July 2013
New "Puke Rock" Teenager Speaks Out
"Puke Rock" is a much misunderstood group", says young man with total of 58 piercings and 111 tattoos. "We just want to be mistreated like everyone else who pukes."
written by Bureau, 08 July 2013
Indiana Man Ran Over By Hearst on Way to Grave
"George would have wanted it this way", says the late Georges' friend. "He was always a minimalist." The late George Smith was buried in the same grave below coffin of stiff in hearse.
written by Bureau, 08 July 2013
New Album From Ringo Going Nowhere
Even though he gave it the title "John & George Are Dead" the new album by Ringo Starr seems to be going nowhere. Most teens are asking, who's George and John?"
written by Bureau, 08 July 2013
Gun Shoots Off It's Mouth, Denies Blame
A gun on a rack in an old pick-up truck in Tennessee says that it has never killed anybody. "I've taken down a squirrel and a couple of rabbits but I refuse to take the blame for anything else."
written by Bureau, 08 July 2013
Most Horrible Way To Go?
New York City man killed after urinating on subway's third rail!
written by Bureau, 08 July 2013
"Come & Look At This Daddy!"
Bin Laden raid files reportedly purged from Pentagon computers, sent to CIA, 8-year-old in Owensboro, Kentucky.
written by Bureau, 08 July 2013
Congress Divided Over Whether to Cut Off Aid to Egypt
"Let's hold off on that and see who's in charge and what the Chinese tell us to do with their money", says Joe Biden
written by Bureau, 08 July 2013
The Study Continues
After ten years 100 monkeys in room with 200 typewriters have not written a Shakespeare play. Thus far, only one episode of The Love Boat has been completed plus eleven monkeys have died of boredom.
written by Bureau, 08 July 2013
Man arrested for taking "indecent liberties" with animal twice
A Texas man was arrested for having sex with the same horse twice. "Even if he'd mounted a different mount, he'd have been jailed, though," the sheriff said. "In Texas, we frown on horsing around."
written by Gee Pee, 08 July 2013
Hillary Clinton's secret of staying young-looking
"A study shows that regular sex keeps a body looking seven years younger," Hillary Clinton said, "and Bill's nothing if not 'regular' when it comes to sex, even with me."
written by Gee Pee, 08 July 2013
Obama scandals keep on cumming
The U. S. State Department is trading passports for sex in a worldwide prostitution ring. "Only in America!" Hillary Clinton said, praising the operation for "the opportunities it provides women."
written by Gee Pee, 08 July 2013
...........Actung-Actung Campers!!
Britains answer to Stalug Luft 8 POW camp, namely Center Parcs are recruiting 1,500 'prisoners' for their new Woburn Forest set up... Any inmate able to escape without recapture is awarded a 10% bonus
written by Herrdoktorfox, 08 July 2013
California sterilizes female prisoners
To prevent them from fornicating and producing possible future criminals, California forces female prisoners to undergo sterilization. Tubal ligations are cheaper than incarceration, officials say.
written by Gee Pee, 08 July 2013
...........Monty told me to do it!
China told to stop 'uprooting Tibetans' never knew you grew 'em in the first place?
written by Herrdoktorfox, 08 July 2013
...........pass the beer Sheila!
New Australian PM Kevin Rudd packs his new cabinet with women...this joker is no fool...dirty boy!
written by Herrdoktorfox, 08 July 2013
...........Royal JSA?
Belgium's King Albert II to abdicate....get those CV's ready campers!
written by Herrdoktorfox, 08 July 2013
......not another one!!
Zara and Mike expecting their first baby...how terribly terribly mind numbing what!
written by Herrdoktorfox, 08 July 2013
Four ways Obama needs to control his spies
Number One (and most important) is the way he....sorry, just been arrested. Will try to give you these later.
written by Bureau, 08 July 2013
Studies Show No Long-Term Benefit From Glucosamine
Also, no other vitamin/mineral/herb pills. Studies financed by drug companies.
written by Bureau, 08 July 2013
The Hottest Sunglasses This Season: See Top Picks
Number One Once Again: The Jake and Elwood Chi-town Specials.
written by Bureau, 08 July 2013
California Prisons Were Illegally Sterilizing Female Inmates
"It was either that or castrating the guards", says former warden.
written by Bureau, 08 July 2013
Blames Global Warming On Sun
Scientists reveal that earth's increase in global warming is caused by the increase in the use of solar power. (Wonder if increase in hurricanes caused by too much reliance on wind power?)
written by Bureau, 08 July 2013
Nearly half of babies have flat skull spot
Doctors blame horny husbands during last months of pregnancy.
written by Bureau, 08 July 2013
One In Four Have Guns
Close to one-quarter of teenagers and young adults treated for shooting injuries in a Michigan emergency room reported owning or carrying a gun, according to a new study. No kidding, Einstein.
written by Bureau, 08 July 2013
Secret move keeps bin Laden records in the shadows
Great! It takes us ten years to find bin Laden and now we can't find his records.
written by Bureau, 08 July 2013
Dalai Lama calls for 'happier century'.
Hopes next incarnation will be that of a clown. "If it's a mime, shoot me."
written by Bureau, 08 July 2013
Singapore moves to tighten regulation of news web sites.
"Of course 'The Spoof' will always be welcome here. We need laughs badly."
written by Bureau, 08 July 2013
"They're Here!"
Hurricane Chantel may be headed straight toward Florida say weather experts. "Let's just hope Chantel isn't a #5!"
written by Bureau, 08 July 2013
Paula Deen In Trouble Again
Paula Deen admitted this morning that she has a tattoo of "Aunt Jemima" on her left buttock.
written by Bureau, 08 July 2013
No Win Situation In Egypt
Most countries are giving up on Egypt. "They're at the point of throwing fits, rocks, 'Yo Mama' jokes at each other.", says Joe Biden.
written by Bureau, 08 July 2013
Prisoners May Be Released At Gitmo
After recent hunger strike U.S. sends in hypnotists. "In their weakened state, they all think they're chickens", says guard. "See that one pecking around over there."
written by Bureau, 08 July 2013
Walmart Asks Girl Scouts Not To Sell Cookies
A spokeswoman says that too many of their obese customers cause huge ham up in front of store, purchasing Girl Scout Cookies. "Nothing personal. Someone might fall on one of the little girls."
written by Bureau, 08 July 2013
Cuba's Raul Castro backs asylum offers for Snowden
"He needs to go asylum", says Raul. "He's crazy as Fidel!"
written by Bureau, 08 July 2013
Criminals Hate New Public Records Website
Many are striking back by hacking into innocent peoples records and recording them as molesters, especially the families of police officers.
written by Bureau, 08 July 2013
