US hopes to use aid as incentive to restore democracy
Has that ever been tried before? Did it work? Well, maybe we should give it another try. Attempt Number 500,000 could just be the lucky one.
written by Bureau, 04 July 2013
3 Officers Pulled From Street Duty After Dog Shooting
All three officers plus their commander say that they had never seen nor heard of a dog shoot a gun before.
written by Bureau, 04 July 2013
Justice Ruth Bader Ginsburg Not Retiring
80-year-old Supreme Court Justice Ruth Ginsburg vows to resist pressure to retire. "I'll retire the day you pull this gavel from my cold dead hand!"
written by Bureau, 04 July 2013
Just Not Allowed Here
Muslim Brotherhood Leader Arrested, Egypt's Islamists Call For Protests! "We don't go in for that kind of stuff here", says new President just sworn in.
written by Bureau, 04 July 2013
Jesus, on the Contemporary GOP (KJV, revised)
And again I say unto you, It is easier for a camel to go through the eye of a needle, than for a modern-day Republican to enter into the kingdom of God.
written by Matt Birkenhauer, 04 July 2013
Paula Deen Show Cancelled By Food Channel
The latest on Paula Deen? Today The Food Channel is dropping her cooking show also. It will be replace by just purchased "Hannibal"
written by Bureau, 04 July 2013
Baseball On Steroids
Bud Selig says that Major League Baseball will have to do more extensive testing for steroids. Last night, a player hit a 125-mile fastball right through the ivy and fence at Wriggly Field.
written by Bureau, 04 July 2013
Chicago Gay Men's Chorus performs National Anthem
Group leader apologizes for "Oh say does that Star-Spangled Banana Still Wave". "They sneaked that in. Still high over that marriage thing I guess."
written by Bureau, 04 July 2013
Polish airline has more problems with 787s
First of all, they have decided to drop the "Extra Cheap" Lawn Chair Division!
written by Bureau, 04 July 2013
'Black Widow' narrowly wins women's hot dog title #2
"Great", stated NYC Mayor. "Of course we'll have to await the urine samples."
written by Bureau, 04 July 2013
'Black Widow' narrowly wins women's hot dog title
"It's been a great 4th of July", says NYC Mayor. "I heard about the Black Widow's repeat. And only three choked to death this year."
written by Bureau, 04 July 2013
Ex-Russian spy Anna Chapman proposes marriage to Edward Snowden #2
"Whohoooo! THAT'S what I've been waiting for" stated Snowden. "I made up a bunch of that stuff."
written by Bureau, 04 July 2013
Indian actor Shah Rukh Khan announces new baby
"I am thankful that the baby is new", says Khan. "Old babies can hurt like the dickens."
written by Bureau, 04 July 2013
Ex-Russian spy Anna Chapman proposes marriage to Edward Snowden
"I know lots of sexy spy-games we can play."
written by Bureau, 04 July 2013
Human liver grown inside mouse!
"Everything went well up to the time the mouse exploded", says Scientist Elmer Goodness.
written by Bureau, 04 July 2013
Fear Of Gang Violence Cancels Richfield 4th Of July Carnival
Old Minnesota veterans march through streets with "Where's The Hooly Hooly Girls?" signs.
written by Bureau, 04 July 2013
Homeland Security Conducts 'Top Secret' Drill
"We use the drill more than any instrument", says agent. "Lots of ways to hide recorders, mikes."
written by Bureau, 04 July 2013
Happy 4th of July
USA enjoys July 4 parades, picnics under watchful eyes of police...FBI...CIA...Spy Satellites of five countries. "Let Freedom Ring!"
written by Bureau, 04 July 2013
On July 4, Obama recalls Declaration of Independence!
"There's a lot of individual freedoms mentioned..it looks like. Well, what do you know? OK, It's been awhile since I had this in college."
written by Bureau, 04 July 2013
"The Lone Ranger" 2.5 hours of air conditioning: NY Times' A.O. Scott
"What next?", asks the Times writer. "The Return of 'It's Howdy Doody Time'?"
written by Bureau, 04 July 2013
Obamacare rule delayed!
"It's going to take awhile", states President. "I'm still only up to page 2395, Part A."
written by Bureau, 04 July 2013
Report: USPS uses "spying" programs similar to NSA
The United States Postal Service spy on U.S. citizens and have been for some time. This is according to secret info revealed by KFC and Pepsi.
written by Bureau, 04 July 2013
7 unknown facts about hotdogs
They are mostly scrap meat and some cereal with a lot of preservatives added but seven ingredients still unknown, even under a microscope.
written by Bureau, 04 July 2013
Snowden Rumors Abound!
The latest on Snowden escape: "He was allegedly seen flying over Russian countryside.
written by Bureau, 04 July 2013
Immigrant Doctors working in fast-food restaurants
"I've sent in a lot of applications and hope to hear from a hospital soon. Meanwhile, working for fast food is kind of like helping out the hospitals in advance, building up the business."
written by Bureau, 04 July 2013
Computer mouse inventor dies
Apparently ate so much cheese his cholesterol was sky high.
written by Bureau, 04 July 2013
Alaskan Fisherman Catches 200-Year-Old Fish #2
"Not only did I catch 'Old Phil' but I caught h--- from Sarah Palin, who's been after him since she was a teenager", says fisherman, who asked that his name not be mentioned.
written by Bureau, 04 July 2013
Alaskan Fisherman Catches 200-Year-Old Fish
"Old Phil" finally caught and brought in. "People in Alaska have been after Old Phil for a long time", says game warden. "We judged his age by the number of old hooks in his lips & age of the lures."
written by Bureau, 04 July 2013
Listeria outbreak linked to cheese this time
Looks like the only safe foods nowadays are the junky ones!
written by Bureau, 04 July 2013
Fighting Breaks Out in the Middle East
Newspaper headlines doesn't say exactly where. When editor of newspaper asked, he handed a reporter a dart. "Throw it at that map over there!"
written by Bureau, 04 July 2013
Sister of Representative found Missing
Police say that the sister of a southern representative has been found missing. "We looked everywhere he told us & then we found her..missing", says officer. "We're still looking for her not missing."
written by Bureau, 04 July 2013
New Leader In Egypt A Mystery Man!
The NSA says that it could take a couple of months of going through old secret recordings to find out much about him.
written by Bureau, 04 July 2013
Ginobili says he's staying with Spurs for 2 years
"That is, if the NBA officials continue to allow me to wear the spurs."
written by Bureau, 04 July 2013
Fighting Spreads to Sudan's Darfur region according to reports in Cartoon!
I'm sorry, that should be "Fighting spreads to city in Sudan's Darfur region", according to Khartoum.
written by Bureau, 04 July 2013
Morales back in Bolivia after plane drama over Snowden
"Biggest crock of doodoo I've ever been involved in", says Morales.
written by Bureau, 04 July 2013
Egypt Orders Brotherhood Arrests, Interim Leader sworn in
Mohammed Interim says he will only serve as new leader until free elections.
written by Bureau, 04 July 2013
South Africa looks to sell some of $1 bln rhino horn stockpile
Hopes to help conservation, cut down on poaching with flooded market. "Several more years of the sales should really cut down on poaching", says Spokesman.
written by Bureau, 04 July 2013
What's in, what's out in the nation's health plan
Millions cheer as free Levitra, Viagra, Cialis left in!
written by Bureau, 04 July 2013
Imports From China Down
Treasury Department says Overall, U.S. imports from China dropped from 500 billion to 499.7 billion. "We're going broke a little slower", Joe Biden affirms.
written by Bureau, 04 July 2013
Plane drama
Passengers on board a Turkish Airways flight travelling between Istanbul and London were forced to parachute out of the plane after eating a woeful curry made by the stewardess. Never again for them.
written by whatinthe world, 04 July 2013
Fireworks cancelled
Fireworks display cancelled in many places across the U.S. because of city budgets. President Obama pledges to send big fire-rockets across U.S. skies for everyone to see them explode next year.
written by Bureau, 04 July 2013
US orders nonessential diplomats, embassy families to leave Egypt.
"If planes grounded, go down to the Red Sea and join the others leaving."
written by Bureau, 04 July 2013
........tea for two?
Overfilling kettles is costing people £68 million a year...I thought our last electric bill was a bit stiff!
written by Herrdoktorfox, 04 July 2013
After The Grief Pill ... the Conscience Pill.
After the grief pill scientists in the US have invented the "Conscience Pill". No more troublesome guilt! Governments around the world have expressed a keen interest.
written by Auntie Matter, 04 July 2013
The Detroit Bums
Bum lying on park bench under newspaper & empty bottle by his side says he's not afraid of gangs in city. "Looks my pants are fallin off, patches & holes all over my clothes. They think I'm hip hic!"
written by Bureau, 04 July 2013
America Admits Going Too Far
The United States has apologized to Afghanistan for blowing it back to the stone age. "Actually, that was only about 25 years", says remorseful John Kerry.
written by Bureau, 04 July 2013
New Poll Out On Married couples
Poll of married couples reveals that a wife would rather gossip with her friends than to have sex. Men, on the other hand, vote for sex..even while the wife is talking to her friends on the telephone.
written by Bureau, 04 July 2013
Keith Richards in line for New Kidney
"I can't wait", he told a BBC reporter. "I'm gonna get wasted for a month." "You do and you'll clean it up", says wife Patti Hansen.
written by Bureau, 04 July 2013
Obama, Merkel agree to high-level talks on U.S. surveillance program
Merkel will be in the United States in August and have a private meeting with President Obama atop the Space Needle in Seattle.
written by Bureau, 04 July 2013
New Tunisian protest movement takes cue from Egypt
"That big Tuna has been on the throne long enough", stated One Protester. "It's time for our old leader to return. We made a big mistake. 'SORRY CHARLEY!".
written by Bureau, 04 July 2013
Prez Asks Hollywood For Help Again
President Obama once again asks for help from Hollywood asking them to have pictures taken with tourists for small fee and send it to Dem Hdq. "Provided they are not Jewish if it's Mel Gibson."
written by Bureau, 04 July 2013
Anwar al-Awlaki visited prostitutes, FBI documents say
Apparently Anwar al-Awlaki visited prostitutes, FBI documents say. Holy man turns out to be holey man?
written by Bureau, 04 July 2013
