Miley Cyrus Commercials
Miley Cyrus will follow the steps of Suzanne Somers' and her Thighmaster with her new ads about the Assmaster!
NSA Tracks 5 Billion Cellphone Location A Day!!
"We just listen for key words like car bomb, terrorist, Pressure cooker. Bzzzzzzzzzzz!! See. I caught myself!
Preview of incomplete List of The Ones We Lost in 2013
It was updated twice recently, including Lindsey Lohan's career! Miley Cyrus's mind.
Is 'knockout game' real or a myth?
"Oooh! What happened? Must have passed out. My head has a goose egg on it. What was I...what, three hours ago?" You too?"
Celeb chef admits using cocaine
"Why do you think everybody is crazy over my food?"
New home sales surge 25%
"Of course we can't pay for them", say couple. "We'll just hold on till the next Obama bailout."
30 whales, Rush Limbaugh trapped off Florida
Where's the Hulk when you need him? If anyone sees Dr Banner, moon him then run like crazy toward the whales and Rush.
Exclusive: Inside ailing nuke plant
U.S. Reporter at large got a chance to go inside Japanese nuclear plant & he reported it as 'strange'. "I was only in there for a biscuit, but I could smell the flags. I might go back inside 80."
Bear Spotted in Central Park
"Sounded like a crank call to me", stated city officer Roy Ashton. "The lady sounded a little 'off'. But as I got there I caught a glimpse of the animal, I'd say it was a Bigfoot. No one was hurt."
Bear mauls woman walking dogs
"I was just walking across the woods to my house and this bear came out of the woods, walking two dogs. You just never know."
Change your password: 2M stolen already
"You need to make up a new password for your accounts", consumer advocate tells the press. Over two million dollars stolen already. Make it difficult like my 4$3$2h66709."
Cops:Woman injured when glass drug pipe shatters in vagina.
Sounds like she was pretty messed up already.
Teachers In Wales Hit Back At Report Complaining That Pupils Have No Idea How To Take A Maths Test
'Eighty percent of our students know very well how to take a maths test,' responded a spokesperson for teachers in Wales, 'and we will urgently be teaching those skills to the other thirty percent.'
written by Swan Morrison, 04 December 2013
Truck with dangerous radioactive material 'stolen in Mexico'
"One thing about it, they won't be able to cross the border at night all lit up like that", says border guard.
Obama: I Want to Host 'SPORTS CENTER' When I Retire.
Biggest response thus far: Why wait?
Home Secretary, Theresa May, Promises To "Address The Gaps" In The Government's Response To Extremism
When asked to define "Extremism" she explained that it was any view she didn't like. 'That certainly encompasses the promotion of hatred,' she added, 'but may also include deviation from Tory policy.'
written by Swan Morrison, 04 December 2013
Awwww! Poor Thing!
Several witnesses say that Adolf Hitler actually died in Argentina in 1948, from a broken heart.
Al Gore Says Goodbye to Hawaii
Al Gore predicts that the United States will only have 49 states by 2100, with ocean rise!
True Facts From Snoops #790
According to Snoops: Bullied at school, Lard Ass changed his name officially to Meat Loaf!
True Facts From Snoops #423
According to Snoops: Although it only lasted for a few weeks, Jeopardy once tried "Giving the answer with a limerick or pun!"
It's That Thanksgiving Glow!
Several doctors around the country say lots of people are coming into their offices with face burns because of standing in front of their refrigerators the past few days.
...............Holy Popes Batman!
Pope Francis reveals he once worked as a nightclub bouncer in his native Argentina....."nobody messes wid big Frankie!"
written by Herrdoktorfox, 04 December 2013
Group seeks "personhood status" for chimpanzees #2
"Personhood"? In some countries that means your private parts. We'll just settle for "Chimps", thank you", signs a second chimp!
Group seeks "personhood status" for chimpanzees
However, chimps object. "We don't threaten to blow everyone on earth away", one signs.
Statue of Liberty postage stamp portrays Las Vegas replica
Also, recent picture on stamp of "Rosa Parks" that of photo shopped Whoopi Goldberg.
'Dangerous' radioactive material stolen in Mexico truck: IAEA
Hope the border guard at least checks this one.
Afghanistan won't sign U.S. pact unless Karzai's demands met - spokesman
Hey President Obama, are you going to let this guy push us around also? Let him handle his own people. Bring all our people home. Enough already!
Man survives 3 days at bottom of Atlantic.
Finally frees himself fom cement shoes. Wants to see the FBI.
Texas oil production hits record.
I don't remember "The Texas Oil" group. How many hit records did they record? Doesn't give title of the hits LP. Bet Willie is on it."
UN deploys surveillance drones.#2
One hits old guy up 200 feet in a helium balloon lawn chair.
UN deploys surveillance drones.
Air Force wants to know how many drone collisions would take down a plane.
REPORT: TSA Expands Searches of Parked Cars at Airports.
Arrest over 40 couple who were "just saying goodbye".
UPDATE: Traveler pulled from plane with suspected TB cleared in tests.
"Only turned out to be Typhoid fever", say doctors.
TOLL: Trucks must pay $102 to cross bridge into NYC.
More and more citizens are crossing bridge by foot to buy at discount.
City Shuts Down 11-Year-Old Selling Mistletoe to Fund Braces.
"The people will be kissing all over town and you know how one thing leads to another", says mayor.
Obama leads cheers for himself.
"For I'm a jolly good felon! For I'm a good felon! Which nobody cans deny!"
STUDY: Regular exercise boosts creativity.
How to treat blisters on feet. How to come up with plan for pulled groin muscle. Exactly which shoe to place up instructor's butt! Home treatments for hernias.
Man Criminally Charged -- for Pruning Plants!
"Those hedges look like genitalia. Not a good thing for people passing by, especially this time of the year."
Return treasures Britain looted, Chinese tell Cameron.2
"Why don't we just pay you for anything you think we have, with all the counterfeit money you have printed over the years?"
Return treasures Britain looted, Chinese tell Cameron.
"We have nuclear weapons also. We didn't steal those. Want to see a few?"
Rand Paul Has Another Solution
"By wiping out China, our debts would be cut in half, our sales to other countries would go up and we'd get some respect."
China warns Japan before Biden Visit
It's not World War II anymore. This time we hold all the marbles.
Chief Counsel Says 'I Don't Recall' Over 80 Times.
Judge: Sir. Will you please wait until you are asked a question?"
NEW RECORD: 10,982,920 on Disability; Exceeds Greece's Total Population.#2
Thus far, over 50,000 citizens have accidentally shot themselves in the foot!
NEW RECORD: 10,982,920 on Disability; Exceeds Greece's Total Population...
"Hello Doc? Another hang nail! Worst one yet. And now it's the skin tags."
Dowd: Mommy, the Drone's Here!
"Well, what's he got? Isn't it always the way. You get right to the ending of a good mystery or TV show or talking with your friends on the cellphone and that stupid drone arrives?"
GOOGLE Bets on Robots.
But thus far, no casino will let one in the door.
Harry Reid Exempts staff from Obamacare
"Just because I wanted everyone else to have it doesn't mean that I want it for myself. It's a mess!"
Acrtic Blast-40°Hits Midwest!
Al Gore: You just wait till next summer! I was right! I was right! I was right! Nyaa Nyaa!!"
Harry Reid Once Again
"Yello! I don't think there is a congress woman. Oh, you're her husband? OK! "Attention! Is there any Tess Tickles here? That's Tess Tickles! Is there any Tess Tickles on the Senate floor?"
FDA finally gets off its ass long enough to ban twelve-inch penis pills from Nigeria,
"These pills will only help you to eleven inches!", says FDA. So the U.S. has banned these from entering the country.
Free Condoms For Everyone
Latest from Vatican: Everyone can use condoms to prevent HIV, even monks, priests, nuns!
Kanye West: I Want To Be The 'Obama Of Clothing'.
And go busted, with 16 trillion dollars in debt!
Admin Refuses to Brief Congress on Obamacare Security Risks.
"You rolls the dice and you takes your chances!"