Subway Man Seems Threatening
"I'll tell you this! George Hussein Bush or that communist Obama Bin Lardo we got for a president ain't worth the bullet to hang him! I mean, rope to shot him!"
written by Bureau, 26 December 2013
Japanese Woman has one eye and three breasts
"You can't tell me water is not still polluted. "Husband happy with two willies."
written by Bureau, 26 December 2013
Osama bin Laden's Death Just Got Stranger
Navy SEAL who wasn't there was told that they had some kind of strange ritual and shaved off half his beard. "I didn't know what the Muslim cleric aboard meant by that. Seemed half-ass to me."
written by Bureau, 26 December 2013
Shrink Wants Obama & Bush Committed
Shrink Bill Bain of Brooke Med. Center wants the Pres committed. "He says that Iraq is on track, when it's falling apart! It's like W's 'Mission Accomplished.' statement. They both should be here."
written by Keith Shirey, 26 December 2013
LA Cops Switch Focus To Jaywalkers
Police Chief Chief Charlie Beck said that since the LA's war on gangs, drugs and guns has "pretty much failed," they'd try something else. "We're now protecting cars from pedestrians," he stated.
written by Keith Shirey, 26 December 2013
Obama Says Pope Is His Friend & Ally, No Says Pope
The Pres quotes and praises Francis, says he's friend and ally. The Pope who focuses on peace and non-violence said that "Obama's drones are death machines. With friends like him who needs enemies?"
written by Keith Shirey, 26 December 2013
Pope Cancels Trip To North Africa
The Holy Father said today that "with mis-targeted U.S. drones flying everywhere, the Popemobile might be obliterated. I would be gone and unable to attack Bill O'Reilly and other right-wing idiots."
written by Keith Shirey, 26 December 2013
Lots of Marias in South & Central America.
Half of the women in Puerto Rico are named Maria. "It's just so easy", say parents Maury and Maria Lopez.
written by Bureau, 26 December 2013
Edison Invented Sound Maker Too
During his 99 failures at inventing the light bulb, Thomas Edison's wife made him stop and invent a sound maker to drown out all the foul language.
written by Bureau, 26 December 2013
True Facts From Snoops #462
According to Snoops: "Just running down to the pub" is the last words most widows in England hear from their husbands since WWII.
written by Bureau, 26 December 2013
True Facts From Snoops #431
According to Snoops: Before popcorn became popular at shows, silent movies were shown in a tent and everyone brought hot buttered corn pone.
written by Bureau, 26 December 2013
True Facts From Snoops #406
According to Snoops: The Great Pyramid of Egypt was modeled after an ant hill!
written by Bureau, 26 December 2013
Man walks onto Newark airport runways
As multimillion dollar security system fails. Solution? "Throw some more money at it!"
written by Bureau, 26 December 2013
Man charged in 'knockout' assault
"For goodness sakes. We're Boxers! We were trying to knock each other out to win the match!"
written by Bureau, 26 December 2013
Scientists Make Discovery....
...Robert Urich never existed.
written by Harry Buttz, 26 December 2013
CDC Issues Flu Warning
Sales were down on many metropolitan areas because the flu has debilitated sales staffs. Too bad it couldn't have lessened it's impact by striking Congress, or some do-nothing agency like that.
written by Smart Blonde Bimbo, 26 December 2013
440-Pound Woman Trapped in Basement By Obesity
"I knew I shouldn't have stood there like a dummy and let them build this house around me!"
written by Bureau, 26 December 2013
Hospitals Seek Savings as Mental Health Costs Soar.
Most people think that that's just crazy!
written by Bureau, 26 December 2013
Researchers: People More Likely To Divulge Secrets After Sex.
"How many times have I confessed to kidnapping the Lindberg baby, hiding Hoffa's body and being "Deep Throat" over the years?"
written by Bureau, 26 December 2013
American held by al-Qaeda pleads for help; 'Totally abandoned and forgotten'.
Instead of "Totally Abandoned and Forgotten", we used to say "No One Left Behind" when I was a soldier.
written by Bureau, 26 December 2013
CNN POLL: GOP takes significant edge for midterms.
Then we can change everything back to what it was: A mess but smaller.
written by Bureau, 26 December 2013
Screen time linked to behavior problems in children.
For one thing they now have a different language. For another, they're not getting the exercise they need.
written by Bureau, 26 December 2013
New ObamaCare fees coming in 2014.
As if we couldn't figure that out by ourselves. Somebody has to pay and there's nobody here but us chickens! We knew we would be plucked.
written by Bureau, 26 December 2013
NJ woman celebrates 100th birthday at work.
"Everyone at home died years ago", jokes happy employee. "Don't want to stay there all day with a bunch of musty corpses!"
written by Bureau, 26 December 2013
True facts according to Snoops: #883
According to Snoops: Whenever George Jones sang at a nursing home or old folks home, he always changed one of his favorite songs to "Who's Gonna Fill Their Britches".
written by Bureau, 26 December 2013
Rock Group Inspiriration
After seeing a Buffalo drinking from a Spring in a Field, a famous rock group decided to call themselves: The Cowsills!
written by Bureau, 26 December 2013
True Facts From Snoops #441
According to Snoops: Women's choice of sexiest male on television during the 1960s: Lawrence Welk.
written by Bureau, 26 December 2013
True Facts From Snoops #1140
According to Snoops: During the Dong Dynasty in China, men wore only a thick shirt, shoes.
written by Bureau, 26 December 2013
Common knee surgery ineffective in study
Most do no more good than a muscle rub or taking pain pills!
written by Bureau, 26 December 2013
May be Friday before power back in Maine, Mich.
President in Hawaii: I almost had a heat stroke on the golf course yesterday. Things are bad all over.
written by Bureau, 26 December 2013
American held by al Qaeda in Pakistan urges Obama for help
"It's only been a few years. You can at least allow me to finish vacation in Hawaii. Don't be so selfish!"
written by Bureau, 26 December 2013
Local courts reviving 'debtors' prison' .
Will be taken out as work parties until they earn enough to pay debts. Placing in stocks in the courtyards may be next for thieves.
written by Bureau, 26 December 2013
Latest must-have mansion feature: Moat encircling property.
Can't have starving people get in here and eat our hidden supply.
written by Bureau, 26 December 2013
CIA Detecting More Chatter Than Usual
Most of it blamed on people whose electricity has been off for a week or more due to ice storms.
written by Bureau, 26 December 2013
Drones May Turn on Us!
CIA report that they are picking up a lot of chatter between drones from different countries.
written by Bureau, 26 December 2013
Navy's Ocean-Powered Drone to Wage Underwater War.
Unlike the Land Drones who wage over land or Air Drones who wage war in the air!
written by Bureau, 26 December 2013
Christmas display prompts 911 calls.
After three-state blackout! Owners say they will cut down next year. "Probably be broke from electric bill anyway", says owner.
written by Bureau, 26 December 2013
Pope Reaches out to Atheists.
Kids get presents for Christmas. Water is wet. Politicians telling whoppers. Restaurants selling food. Baby's cry.
written by Bureau, 26 December 2013
Judges Getting More Lenient Every Day
Judge orders man to write 'boys to not hit girls' 5,000 times. Then go to his room without supper.
written by Bureau, 26 December 2013
Train thief released in New York City
Still refuses to tell authorities exactly where he hid the train.
written by Bureau, 26 December 2013
BIEBER: 'My beloved beliebers I'm officially retiring'.
"Now that I have all the money I could get from you." Most say he'll be back in 3-6 months.
written by Bureau, 26 December 2013
GALLUP: Most U.S. families still routinely dine together at home.
Then, after meal, head for the television, computers, cell phones!
written by Bureau, 26 December 2013
STUDY: More walking, longer life.
But still have no idea where they are going, what to do when they get there.
written by Bureau, 26 December 2013
More Obamacare Woes
'Literally impossible' to buy new policy in US territories.
written by Bureau, 26 December 2013
WWE Pits 'Good' Black Santa vs. 'Bad' White Santa.
Native Americans: Everyone knows Santa is mostly red!
written by Bureau, 26 December 2013
Arab monarchies turn to China.
"You cannot know what the United States will do any more. If they can be trusted."
written by Bureau, 26 December 2013
Spain tries to re-brand sherry, 20 years too late
Remember Sherry? Not the Four Seasons song, but a kind of wine? Don't worry, no one else does. Once the major Spanish export, it's now as fashionable as powdered eggs. How the mighty have fallen.
written by Auntie Jean, 26 December 2013
The Medical Term Is "Top Heavy"
Dolly Parton has confessed that the older she gets the harder it is to lug her "Two Girls" around.
written by Abel Rodriguez, 26 December 2013
Justin Bieber Is Dumb Like A Fox
Justin Bieber announces his retirement and then announces that his comeback tour will begin in January.
written by Abel Rodriguez, 26 December 2013
Elin Nordegren Doesn't Mince Words
Elin Nordegren was asked if she ever misses her ex-husband Tiger Woods. She grinned and replied that she misses him like she misses a case of tonsillitis.
written by Abel Rodriguez, 26 December 2013
The Sweet, Sweet Indian Maiden
The real name of the Indian maiden Pocahontas was actually Pocahontastatanaka but it was shortened to make it easier to spell.
written by Abel Rodriguez, 26 December 2013
The Pope Reaches Out To Atheists...
...with a frying pan in one hand and a can of pepper spray in the other.
written by Abel Rodriguez, 26 December 2013
Matadors start bullfights with meat skewers through shoulders
Did you know that the sadistic Spanish "sport" of bullfighting is not as disgusting as it seems as the bullfighters start off with meat skewers through their arms and neck to make things fair !!!
written by Auntie Jean, 26 December 2013
Woman on the Street Says US Should Borrow to the Limit
"I'm not giving up my lifestyle. Let those Chinese loan us some more. I mean, what has our future generations ever done for us?"
written by Bureau, 26 December 2013
Record Suicides For Holiday Season
Mostly things like men hanging themselves in mall bathrooms, after he sees wife go into 7th shoe store in six hours.
written by Bureau, 26 December 2013
V.P. Biden in Charge
"The Prez in on vacation. I'm in charge. I SAY I'm in charge! Now what's going on out there? What about Canada? They been pretty quiet for a long time now. We got that place bugged, Henry?.....Harry?"
written by Bureau, 26 December 2013
Egypt names Muslim Brotherhood a terrorist group
After over 25 years of financing terrorists, it's about time somebody held them responsible.
written by Bureau, 26 December 2013
Stutz Nominated Nominated for Nobel Prize
Stutz invented a letter between F and G in 1989 but you can only pronounce it with a fart.
written by Bureau, 26 December 2013
President may hand out food stamps
But only to those who had $30,000 surgeries and found out they had no insurance although they had called and signed up 3 times.
written by Bureau, 26 December 2013
Do You Know Why?
Some people say that they feel closer to others at this time of year. Many of those people are in sales.
written by Bureau, 26 December 2013
