Weary president seeks Hawaii sun.
Tea Party people, Duck Dynasty supporters there to send him off. Then some head for Hawaii to great him!
written by Bureau, 21 December 2013
Police Do Illegal Cavity Search
El Paso Co. NM cops were looking for illegal drugs. After a warrantless, double cavity search on a 54-year-old they found nothing. She sued, in response she got a $54,000 bill for the procedure.
written by Keith Shirey, 21 December 2013
Van Gogh Museum In Amsterdam Updates Catalogue For Today's Visitors
'The numerous Van Gogh self-portraits in the museum,' announced the curator, 'will in future be listed as "selfies."'
written by Swan Morrison, 21 December 2013
Year of the 'wasted-time' Congress
Matches Year of Lose of Freedom of Speech, other freedoms shut down by White House. Year of everybody spying on everybody else.
written by Bureau, 21 December 2013
Swedish Christmas Goat Engulfed in Flames - Again
Twenty-seventh time since 1966. The Goat brings gifts to Swedish children instead of Santa.
written by Bureau, 21 December 2013
Nuke General Fired For Carousing, Rudeness in Russia
Claims that he had changed all the codes for firing missiles and will fire a few unless given back his job.
written by Bureau, 21 December 2013
True Facts From Snoops #649
According to Snoops: On test scores, half of the students in the United States think that Caesar Augustus is the guy that owns most of the casinos in the country.
written by Bureau, 21 December 2013
True Facts From Snoops #227
According to Snoops: Monks at Abby allowed only one word spoken aloud usually choose "antidisestablishmentarianism!".
written by Bureau, 21 December 2013
Air Force Removes Drunken General
In Moscow, Maj. Gen Mchael Carey stumbled through Red Square slurring his speech, insulting everyone. He visited bars with "Cigar Lady" and picked fights. His job was to control US' nuclear arsenal.
written by Keith Shirey, 21 December 2013
Patient receives world's first artificial head
Says he wished he'd had a better body but thought he'd adjust to the hump.
written by Bureau, 21 December 2013
True facts according to Snoops: #138
According to Snoops: Buddy Ebson was 1st choice for the Tin Man in The Wizard of Oz but died after being painted. Joe Adcock changed his name to Buddy Ebson & starred later on The Beverly Hillbillies!
written by Bureau, 21 December 2013
Researcher's 1959 message in a bottle found in Arctic
Message gives candidate for President, John F. Kennedy the cold shoulder!
written by Bureau, 21 December 2013
Woman who says she found Renoir at flea market disputes museums ownership
"They couldn't even name the flea market where I found it", she tells authorities.
written by Bureau, 21 December 2013
Syria Views Saudi as Number One Enemy!
President Bashar al-Assad calls Saudi Arabia, U.S. and Israel the "Axis of Evil"!
written by Bureau, 21 December 2013
Scientist Uses Haiku to Explain Climate Change
Just so long as they use our latest equipment, studies and high standards for Haiku!
written by Bureau, 21 December 2013
Fury and frustration over Target data breach #2
FBI and CIA checking through all the ads on eBay that offer "A dozen new personalty cards for $100."
written by Bureau, 21 December 2013
Fury and frustration over Target data breach
"Right now, we're checking if any of our employees once worked for WalMart", says spokesman.
written by Bureau, 21 December 2013
Magician makes incredible balloon art
Turns ordinary balloon into The Mona Lisa! "I just don't see how he does it", comments person in crowd.
written by Bureau, 21 December 2013
Bob Dylan Tried to tell us!
India angrily brushed aside fresh efforts by the United States Friday to defuse a row over the arrest and strip-search of one of its diplomats, warning Washington that "the times have changed".
written by Bureau, 21 December 2013
US astronauts step out on spacewalk for station repairs
"This here thing-a-ma-bob needs to be reconnected to that do hickey over there by the big round thing." Hope I'm not boring you with all this tech-talk!"
written by Bureau, 21 December 2013
Gay couples wed in Utah after judge overturns man!
I'm sorry. That should have been "Gay couples wed in Utah after judge overturns ban".
written by Bureau, 21 December 2013
Archbishop of Canterbury Accepts Pope's Challenge For Anglicans vs Catholics Cricket Match At Lord's In 2014
'To ensure complete impartiality,' said spokesmen for both Churches, 'we will be asking Richard Dawkins to umpire.'
written by Swan Morrison, 21 December 2013
Woman, Just Out Of Prison, Arrested For 397th Time.
"Got that down, World Record people? Let's make sure we keep track. Looking for girlfriend #398!"
written by Bureau, 21 December 2013
Speaking About The Other Ducks
Thus far, the rest of the Duck Dynasty are following their leader. "A & E have gotten our feathers ruffled", one wisequacks.
written by Bureau, 21 December 2013
Chinese Send UP Second Rocket
The Chinese have announced that they have just launched a second rocket to the moon. "We'll be sending a lot more. Too many people here."
written by Bureau, 21 December 2013
Joe Biden Says He'd Give Prisoner's Gard Time.
Prisoner's Advocate: Half of them say they are suffering from Hard times as it is.
written by Bureau, 21 December 2013
U.S. Prisoners To Work Alaska?
President Obama to send prisoners to Alaska in search of gold. "I would like to thank Mr. Putin for the idea. Saves us billions. Where are they going to run away & not freeze to death?"
written by Bureau, 21 December 2013
True Facts From Snoops #441
According to Snoops: By the year 2016, All K-Marts will be redone and updated to L-Marts!
written by Bureau, 21 December 2013
True Facts From Snoops #814
According to Snoops: Before the 1940's, women seldom used the work "kumquat" in mixed company.
written by Bureau, 21 December 2013
True Facts From Snoops #114
According to Snoops: Abraham Lincoln was the only President who was buried wearing a top hat.
written by Bureau, 21 December 2013
Pit Bulls Can Be Dangerous...Really, I'm Not Kidding
A Pit Bull can smell when you are afraid of them, I don't care how many hot dogs you give them. Once you're getting low, make a run for it while scattering hot dogs. Postman Rules #36
written by Bureau, 21 December 2013
The Outerbridge Misnamed
The Outerbridge crossing from New york City to Jersey was actually named Otterbridge from the early settlers up to the time of a 1940's typo.
written by Bureau, 21 December 2013
English Heritage Describes Winter Solstice At Stonehenge As A 'Success'
'The sun rose, as expected, at 08.06 AM,' said an English Heritage spokeswoman. 'I think lots of people would have been very disappointed had it not.'
written by Swan Morrison, 21 December 2013
Obama vows 2014 'will be a breakthrough year'
"Yes", agrees Al Gore. "Everything made of ice will be broken through by the heat!"
written by Bureau, 21 December 2013
City installs urine detectors in public elevators.
That should take some of the piss out of drunk offenders!
written by Bureau, 21 December 2013
United Arab Emeritis: Sorcery Is Crime
Emeriti lawyer, Mohammed al Wierdo said that being under the spell of a sorceress "messes one up." As he was talking he stroked the head of the genie from the lamp on his walnut veneer desk.
written by Keith Shirey, 21 December 2013
PASTOR DESTROYS ATHIEIST ON TV
On KROC Athiest J. Crew said "The book of Leviticus sanctions slaves being their owner's property forever" The Rev.P Fowl retorted, -Bad interpretation, God is merciful, it's just for a little while.
written by Keith Shirey, 21 December 2013
BP Accused Of Dumping Radioactive Waste
A spokesman for the big oil company pointed to the"pure, pristine waters" of a Luisiana swamp and denied there was any radioactivity in the water; he stroked a three headed toad as he spoke.
written by Keith Shirey, 21 December 2013
Kim Jung Um's Uncle's Corpse Brought Home
North Korea's Glorious One politically purged and had his uncle, Big Dong, executed. Upon examining the corpse, Um's wife, "Princess Necro" thanked her husband for his "state service."
written by Keith Shirey, 21 December 2013
Fox Newsman Accidentally Endorses EPA
Obama hater Steve Doocy in a rant today was outraged at Obama's lax enforcement of environmental regulations which he often calls "fascist." Doocy apologized for his mistake to Fox Chief, Roger Ass.
written by Keith Shirey, 21 December 2013
