Senate Barely Able To Pass Bill
Senate passes non-binding legislation in ordering of cheese from overseas!
written by Bureau, 28 September 2009
Ignore The Gore
Monica Lewinsky, who knew Al Gore while she was visiting the President at the White House, states that Al Gore's commitment to global warming is nothing but "lip service".
written by Bureau, 28 September 2009
Stores Desperate For Customers
Government warns public not to respond to Free Shopaholic Treatment ads. They will be followed up by local store specials.
written by Bureau, 28 September 2009
Ben & Jerry Celebrated NBA Day On Monday
In honor of National Breast Appreciation on Monday, Ben & Jerrys served "Nipple Ripple" for half price all day long.
written by Bureau, 28 September 2009
Simple Math
Doctors now say i small bar of chocolate a day is good for you. Patients reason, then a pound of chocolate will be good for more of me.
written by Bureau, 28 September 2009
No On Ever Thought Of That
Obama panel proposes cutting your health costs immediately by using pill cutter. Cut pill in half, then half again. Usually can't tell the difference.
written by Bureau, 28 September 2009
Offer Them A Treat
Police tell mother attacked by yobs at home: 'We won't send anyone, it may escalate the problem plus one of our group could begin getting bullied and it could spread throughout police force.
written by Bureau, 28 September 2009
Karzai Earns Respect?
US official says Karzai must earn Afghans' trust. Recommend duel with Taliban leader at high noon!
written by Bureau, 28 September 2009
Creepy Area
Family living near old closed animal shelter say they see ghosts of cats and dogs roaming the area, looking for their balls.
written by Bureau, 28 September 2009
VA Helping Vets Readjust
The Veterans Administration has released a report that nearly 20,000 returning troops from Iraq have "Delayed Bush Syndrome" which causes them run from their bedrooms and wives.
written by Bureau, 28 September 2009
Viagra Adds Warning
United Secretary of Health Kathleen Sebelius forces makers of Viagra to put warning on label with side effects, that men could become too cocksure of themselves.
written by Bureau, 28 September 2009
Palin Holding Talks
Sarah Palin now in Russia, may make speech. Privately meets with Putin, guy who used to wave at her from Russia when she was Governor of Alaska.
written by Bureau, 28 September 2009
Cheney, Rumsfeld Held Private Talks
Revealed: Cheney, Rumsfeld discussed different torture techniques at White House but had to quit when Cheney laughed himeself into a heart attack.
written by Bureau, 28 September 2009
Poor Old Al
Tipper Gore says that she blames global warming for her husband, Al Gore's meltdown.
written by Bureau, 28 September 2009
Hard Headed
Mahmoud Ahmadinejad of Iran says that even if Israel blows Iran off the map, "We still will not acknowledge it's existance."
written by Bureau, 28 September 2009
Bunch Of Sneaks
CIA announces that they have proof that Iran is hiding a biological weapons lab behind underground nuclear facility.
written by Bureau, 28 September 2009
Each Gave Their All
Soldiers who launch drones in Afghanistan, Iraq ask Obama administration for "The Unknown Drone" monument.
written by Bureau, 28 September 2009
Heard That Before
Fed chairman Bernanke asks those worried about black holes absorbing all of us, especially that one who writes daily, to quit worrying. "The solar system is too big to fail!"
written by Bureau, 28 September 2009
Monkey's refute regulation allegation
Monkeys today rebelled against rumours that they could become staff at the struggling FSA,a spokesman for Monkeys at London Zoo said "We wouldn't be seen dead working for that shower of shit!"
written by Ulver, 28 September 2009
Jaggedone warned you all, Iranian rockets head for Israel!
2 weeks ago Jaggedone warned the world about Iran and their "nicked" Iraqi WOMD's, today proved that Jaggedone is not a fucking nutter but always tells the TRUTH, lying bastard!
written by unknown
Zulu marries four wives in a day and Viagra sales quadruple!
Zulu polygamist Miltom M'belly married his 4 mistresses and adopted his own 25 kids today, totally legal! Viagra has just reached record sales in Zululand!
written by unknown
Just walkin' the dog
A man has walked his dog 3200 miles from Devon in UK to Mandalay in Burma. Witnesses say that he originally went to get a packet of crisps from the corner shop and never came back. The dog is stuffed.
written by whatinthe world, 28 September 2009
There's Your Proof, Limbaugh!
Al Gore may be totally cracking as he summons reporters to show them that a cube of ice just made melts faster than the one he kept from a year ago.
written by Bureau, 28 September 2009
Janet Jackson Shows Concern
A giggling Janet Jackson was questioned by a reporter at a famous nightclub Sturday night about her brother Michael answered, "Oh Michael, well we're all concerned about his health..I gotta go pee!"
written by Bureau, 28 September 2009
Shoe Thrower Signs Contract
The famous shoe thrower in Iraq has reportedly signed a deal with Nike shoes to begin commercials in time for Super Bowl.
written by Bureau, 28 September 2009
It Looked Like It Belonged To A Horse!
Mark of madness: Police refuse to show suspect's birthmark in ID parade,because of his human rights, anti-flashing laws.
written by Bureau, 28 September 2009
Keller Sues Police
London woman's boyfriend sues police for missing dozens of opportunities to prevent him from killing her. "Where is a cop when you need one?" asks killer.
written by Bureau, 28 September 2009
Big Cocaine Seizure
The Royal Navy says it has seized its biggest haul of cocaine, estimating its street value at ...Oh, whatever!
written by Bureau, 28 September 2009
Polanski Supporters Rally
Politicians and Hollywood heavyweights have rallied behind director Roman Polanski following his arrest. "For pete's sake, all he did was rape a 13-year-old!"
written by Bureau, 28 September 2009
Merkel Wins Re-election
Chancellor Merkel has vowed to get Germany out of the recession. Blames Jews, Blacks and Gypsies.
written by Bureau, 28 September 2009
Horsing Around
Peyton Manning dazzles with 4 Titties, Colts beat Cards 31-10.
I'm sorry, that should be "4 TD's"
written by Bureau, 28 September 2009
Newton In Vegas
Wayne Newton back for short run at Tropicana Vegas. That's the Tropicana Vegas. Can't say you weren't warned.
written by Bureau, 28 September 2009
Some Side Effects Unavoidable
Intense tracking for swine flu shot's side effects as more than a dozen running around naked, eating slop.
written by Bureau, 28 September 2009
Moose Moving North
Warmer weather threatens moose in Minnesota as Bullwinkle throws his antlers in the ring to run for Sarah Palin's job as Governor of Alaska.
written by Bureau, 28 September 2009
Obama To Pitch
Obama will go to Denmark to pitch for Olympics. He would be the first sitting US president to participate in the games.
written by Bureau, 28 September 2009
Libya, Argentina Closer Ties
Gadhafi strengthens relationship with Chavez after quick wedding in Caracas.
written by Bureau, 28 September 2009
Deserve Each Other
France, Poland want Roman Polanski, Charles Manson and Sirhan Sirhan released on bail. "They've learned their lesson." However, US planning to put all three in same cell.
written by Bureau, 28 September 2009
Iran Missiles Flying
Iran tests longest-range missiles. There goes one overhead right now. Keep a sharp eye out today.
written by Bureau, 28 September 2009
Don't Go Into The Woods
Homeless Georgia sex offenders directed to woods, arrested for attempting to abuse bears.
written by Bureau, 28 September 2009
Another Chinese Recall
China launches large recall of paint thinner, as this stuff won't get you high sniffing it for hours. Apologize to American teens.
written by Bureau, 28 September 2009
Anything Can Be In A Pill
More than half million kids get bad drug reactions, especially those hurriedly bought on the street at half price.
written by Bureau, 28 September 2009
Honduras Restricts Freedom
Honduras restricts liberties to prevent rebellion, freedom marches, any kind of normal life.
written by Bureau, 28 September 2009
92-Year-Old Celebrates
NH woman celebrates 92nd birthday by sky-diving. Accidentally lands on 95-year-old, killing him instantly.
written by Bureau, 28 September 2009
Yep, That's Us
Wal-Mart best symbolizes America, a new poll finds: Fat, impatient and greedy.
written by Bureau, 28 September 2009
Obama For More Schooling
More school: Obama would curtail summer vacation. No holiday breaks. School on Saturday's also. Night school. Home schools!
written by Bureau, 28 September 2009
Haose Changes
How today's homebuyers are thinking small,to live in not invest in. Average new homes have "two up & two down", small victory garden.
written by Bureau, 28 September 2009
Aspartame Boy's stories are now banned in many countries and corporations
They are actually banned in all corporations and all countries that have governments that can still read. That is actually only Cuba.
written by Aspartame Boy, 28 September 2009
California has vowed to issue no more IOUs
They have begun to issue, notes that read, "Hey, you've just been had. Tell it to the governator".
written by Aspartame Boy, 28 September 2009
Britons are hiring Indian Assassins
Scotland yard is trying to figure out why Britons are trying to kill the Indians. That's an American problem, or so they thought. The problem has been traced to internationalism.
written by Aspartame Boy, 28 September 2009
Parents are ignoring trampoline saftey
They are dropping their kids from airplanes onto the trampolines. The kids are doing fine, but the parents, a group from Afghanistan, don't know how to land the planes. They went to FIT.
written by Aspartame Boy, 28 September 2009
