Admitted, Bernie Is Bright
You have to give Bernie Madoff credit. It was learned today that before Bernie saw his cellmate, he already had his teeth filed to a point, his ass plugged and was using a colostomy bag.
The Inquisitor - the man who questions everything has been arrested for an alleged case of serious whichcraft.
McCain Full Of Surprises
Senator John McCain said he was surprised by Sarah Palin's resignation as governor of Alaska. McCain was also surprised to find the painting on the wall changing pictures until told it was a flat TV.
Wizards 0 : Muggles 1
The Quillbury company - the main supplier of quills for Hogwarts School for Wizards and Witches has gone into liquidation. Pupils forced to use ballpoints. Parents fear influence of Muggle world.
Problem With Rings?
General Motors pulls the plug on Saturn, as it joins Pluto. At present, only seven planets left in solar system.
Peace At Last
Instructions on how to make a thermonuclear bomb out of things lying around the house finally pulled from off the internet. Scientist's teenage son told to quit screwing around.
Salmon Another Rushdie?
Lone wolf salmon decides to go with the flow! "Ain't no spawning worth all that", decides rebel.
Chinese Stimulus Over $1Million
China passes new $1,350,000 stimulus bill to get the beleaguered lead industry back up and running.
Cottage for Sale Advert Neglects to Mention Nuclear Neighbour
A cottage next to Dungeness nuclear power station is on the market for £245,000. It needs no electric lights because it allegedly glows in the dark.
written by IN SEINE, 30 September 2009
Labour Come up with Election Winning Idea -- Pure Rocket Science!
Labour have promised free parking for hospital inpatients if they win the next election. Before leaving office, Gordon Brown intends closing thousands of hospitals. I knew there was a catch somewhere!
written by IN SEINE, 30 September 2009
Look At That!
Even after fifteen years research scientist says he still gets a kick out of watching white lab rats smoking cigarettes.
Champion Rat Killer
Bangladesh awards farmer who killed 83,000 rats, a new record. Muslim winner invited to White House for Near Beer Party.
Square Finds Happiness
Mobile, Alabama Square finds he fits into round hole. "Always told Homer there was a special lady just for him out there."
Name For Himself
New Jersey man attempts to cross the entire United States on the back of a giant turtle. "Let him go", says family, "At least he's given up this becoming a famous I-75 sniper thing."
Well Shut My Mouth
A rumor mill has closed down in Superior, Wisconsin after over 100 years. "There was just too much gossip going around", states former owner.
First Things First
Paul Reubens or Pee Wee Herman told to go wash his hands first before placing them in concrete in front of Chinese Theater.
We're Laughing Stock
West Moline, Illinois Cops On Segways demand their old bicycles and horses back. "No one takes us seriously anymore", says one officer after a dog whizzes on his leg.
Won't Be Broken Soon
Former Vice President Dick Cheney set a golf course record today in Florida with two holes-in-one and three heart attacks.
Released White House tape of Nixon, Kissinger and Haldeman doing the old classic "Louie, Louie" while plastered may be released on DVD.
May Open Museum
Image of Jerry Lewis face on a piece of toast brings over one million euros in France!
Economy Bad Everywhere
Afghanistan suicide bomber pissed after being promised 72 virgins, he only gets to hover over Disneyland. Hoverer over Jeff's Snake World in nearby Winter Park says he should be grateful.
Brown promises big free parties in park
The British prime minister has promised the electorate a "very big party in a park" if he gets elected. "There will be beer and wine, it will all be free and we will do it every friday."
written by Treehouse, 30 September 2009
Georgia accused of war crimes against Russia, they spat at them!
Georgia certainly started the 2008 war against Russia, they spat out cheap and nasty Vodka supplied by Russia, Russia retaliated and spat back at Georgia with Russian Tanks, PROST!
written by Jaggedone, 30 September 2009
All According To Demand
Surprise! President Obama has put healthcare back in the news. The President complained about big insurance companies charging more. Insurance companies answer that politicians don't come cheap today.
Wabbits Spotted Leaving Wyoming
That wascle Elmer Fudd or former VP Cheney out hunting the first day of wabbit season. "I always make sure I use only one shot by shooting them in the face, we don't eat that part."
It's In The Book
In an excerpt from her upcoming book, Sarah Palin states that leaving the Alaskan Governor's office was a very moving experience, especially all those animal trophies.
Obama Made Financial Statement
President Obama admits that he not only made quick trip to ask Olympic committee to vote for Chicago for Olympics but that he also went to China to account for what we've been doing with their money.
"Keep It Down Over There!"
People in Russia say that Sarah Palin's party celebration over her soon to be released book kept them awake most of the night.
Yes We "Can"
International 'Catch Me If You Can' conman who escaped British jail four years ago arrested by U.S. Placed in the can.
Swearing Parents Banned
Primary school headteacher threatens to ban swearing parents from playground. Tells them to get the ****** out of here!
After Sheriff Found Pissed
Nottingham to become first city in England to ban drinking alcohol in public places. Request Robin Hood and his merry men to do their merry drinking in the woods.
Birds Battle Back
Bird strike! The moment 200 starlings were sucked into passenger jet engine on take-off. Authorities say to expect spotted cars when you get off work today.
Freeview website crashes as millions log on to find out how to retune set-top boxes, do away inventor of the blasted things.
Brown Cracking Up?
Is he cracking up? Brown loses his cool as he tries to storm out of TV interview, overturning stool, letting loose another.
Kids Urged To Walk
Parents are urged to let kids walk to school. "By the time our Timmy walks 20 blocks, he's ready to sit down", states one parent.
Insured: Why Not Wait?
Uninsured 40% More Likely to Die! So if we just wait another twenty years, the problem will take care of itself.
Reubens: To Pee Wee Or Not Pee Wee
Pee Wee Herman Returns After Long Hiatus! "Yes", he tells Letterman, "I call him Hiatus. What's wrong with that?"
Overweight Women Shorten Life Expectancy
Being overweight can cut women's life expectancy. Experts advice against getting pregnant.
Warning Over Climate Change
UN warns leaders time running out for climate deal. Another ten million years and we're all history.
"Here's The Lovely Pissed Singers"
Researchers: Champagne's aroma comes from bubbles. Apparently everyone on the "Lawrence Welk Show" higher than a kite!
Adolf/Alice Hitler's Skull Is Womans.
Skull piece thought to be Hitler's is from woman. No wonder he/she was so frustrated.
He Was A Screamer
New infomercial revives 'birther' controversy as Kenyan midwife comes forward with information about baby Barack.
Viagra Could Push It Through
More thorny challenges ahead for health overhaul, but new free Viagra could help push it through females on panel.
Big Feet Could Be A Problem On Space Walks
Billionaire clown heads for space station. "Houston, we have a honk!"
6,000 Deaths From Distractions
Govt: Nearly 6,000 deaths from driver distraction. Twitter texting, nudist camps near Interstates to be outlawed.
All Shook Up!
Really powerful earthquake rocks western Indonesia to northern Canada this morning.
Hackers Could Hack Hockers
Work begins on national e-health record network, but warns, if it breaks down, so will you.
Iraqi Withdrawal Speeded Up!
US speeding up military withdrawal from Iraq. Operation: "High-Tail It Outa Here" in full swing.
A Throwback Exercise: Hula Hooping Becomes the Hot New Workout. Slinky toys also hot item for Holiday sales, plus coonskin caps made by Kim Chi Crockett.
Big Diamond Discovery
South African mine discovers 507-carat white diamond worth millions, get a full half day off work!
Big Government Up Everyone's Ass
State to mom: Stop baby-sitting neighbors' kids. WE control these kids from now on.
NHI Gets Funding
The NIH is getting $5 billion in economic stimulus funds to support research into cures for cancer & other diseases, & create jobs. He will pay for this by asking those who get well, pay extra taxes.
It's a win win situation for Beijing zoo, after they announced the birth of a new panda. They've called the female Win Win.
written by IainB, 30 September 2009
Homeopathy won't help when you're drowning in pig vomit!
written by Frank Miller, 30 September 2009
Vast Right Wing Conspiracy
President Clinton identified liberal Speaker Pelosi as part of the vast right wing conspiracy. The former president has pictures of her sitting in the far right wing of the San Francisco Opera House.
President Obama says "deadlines are needed to get things done!" After two or three artificial deadlines are missed, people lose interest. The president must have failed Management 101, at Harvard.
The Iranian Defense Minister said today "we will destroy Israel with our long range missiles, starting with the Dome of the Rock Synagogue in Jerusalem."
Topless Iranian Women
The Iranian Mullahs will now allow Iranian women to go topless, provided they wear a Burka!
Iranian Kabuki Dance
The Iranians must be related to the Japanese! Look at the Kabuki Dance the Iranians are putting on for President Obama over their building a nuclear bomb.
Presidential Trip to Denmark
President flies to Denmark, uses mega-gallons of fuel & generates mega-tons of CO2, while US peasants get Cap-and-Trade! Where is Al Gore? Flying on his jet doing exactly the same as the president!
White House Pickets
Reverends Al Sharpton and Jessie Jackson were seen picketing outside the White House this weekend. They both carried placards reading "BRING BACK BUSH."
TV Talent Gene-ius!
New 'desperation' gene identified in human genome. Genetic trials suggest that in 88 out of 100 cases, carriers are likely to enter a reality TV show or national TV talent contest.
So square - do they care?
Breaking news - several cases of 'Square-Eyes Syndrome' reported across the UK, USA and Europe. Scientists confirm that observations are consistent with the old wives' tale of excessive late night TV.
Freaky Fakir in Bed-of-Nails Frenzy
Indian mystic unhappy with inappropriate provision of standard bedding at local hospital. Insists on bed-of-nails prior to planned transcendental surgery.