Xerox In 3D
The Xerox Compny has announced that their new X-8 model coming out in the Spring of 2010 will be able to make 3D pics of anyone's ass.
Death By Asphyxiation
Japanese citizen found dead on elevator floor after riding up to 33rd floor with four sumo wrestler coming back from Taco Bell!
William Shatner paternity secrets shocker
French design guru (sic) Phillipe Starck is the ageing septagenarian's first born son.
Yom Kippur secrets shocker!
Sarah, Duchess of York is Neil Kinnock's daughter. Yuck!
Staffordshire gold horde declarared a fake
Metal detecting aficionado who made the find has been given 'all that glisters' bum's rush by UK Treasury 'Trash in the Attic' valuation shysters.
"I'll Have An Old Peculiar!"
FOX News video catches President Obama throwing a fit for the first time when Michelle's mother shows up for Thursday night beer meeting.
Popular Iraq Leader To Run For President
New extremely popular politician in Iraq promises "The mother of all presidential campaigns".
Missing Link Found?
Leading Evolutionist says that old people in nursing home throwing shit is the real missing link.
China Offer US A Deal
Chinese offer United States a way of paying off their debt by sending Americans over there to build their new railroads.
The Alfredo Suicide
Mafia hit man Alfredo Fuggeddaboutit found, apparently a victim of suicide, after he went crazy from Tinnitus after bomb went off in his hat in 2001.
McChrystal Expected The Worst!
General McChrystal: Violence "Worse" than expected in Afghanistan. While we expected the worst, it's worse than that.
Newest, Biggest WallyMart
Cypress Gardens theme park in Florida closes doors to make way for the bigget WallyMart there ever was, featuring ride through shopping aisles.
Chip Of Ole Block
A new video show school kids singing the praises of President Obama after watching his latest video, except for Joe Wilson's grandson, who seems to be singing "The Wall".
Iran To Show Nukes
United States, UK, France leaders demand Iran nuke site be opened. Iran answers, you'll be seeing them up close soon, first-hand, guaranteed.
Charley Brown Had No Dementia
A new study says men with symmetrical faces are less likely to suffer from dementia. They then give the examples of pinheads and John Kerry.
Plug Already Pulled
Obama embarrassed as video of city hall meeting where he states his health care plan "won't pull the plug on grandma" shows previous cut where old lady says grandpa pulled his plug from her years ago.
Until Receiving Toe Tag
The High Court has upheld the law that allows UK employers to force workers to retire at the age of 65. Must also submit to age tag hanging from right ear.
Monarch's Got GPS
North America's Monarch butterflies use a 24-hour "clock" in their antennae to help navigate the 4,000km to overwinter in Mexico, say scientists, after overhearing small voices giving directions.
500 Billion Hours Of TV
By 2015 more than 12 billion devices will be capable of connecting to 500 billion hours of TV and video content, says chip giant Intel. Still no word on anything worth watching.
Amazing Detailed Dinosaur Find
Early dinosaurs had feathers say scientists. The creatures found in China are all more than 150 million years old, come November 20th.
Pitt Mayor Calls In Steelers
Pittsburgh braces for more clashes at G-20 summit. Mayor calls in the Pittsburgh Steelers to assist police, to block entrances, tackle rioters.
New Species Found
Fanged frog, rolling hoop snakes, Nessie's cousin Bessie, 162 other new species found in Mekong.
G-20 Almost Over
G-20 leaders push global economic reforms, love to flow from everyone to his neighbors, world peace as Miss America speaks Friday
Offenders Get Home
Sex offenders welcome: Florida apartments offer home! "No Victims Need Apply!"
Bombs May Be Dropped By Ebay
Suspect used Web to find bomb supplies, feds say. "Oh, you gots to has the funds to gets da bombs", says lower bidder.
Spankless IQ's Higher
Children who get spanked have lower IQs, especially those that are spanked on the wrong end by parents too upset to notice.
Johnson & Johnson recalls infants', children's liquid Tylenol, Little Folk's Johns could become bacteria-laden.
Manson Folower Dies
Charles Manson follower Susan Atkins dies. Manson: Susan? Rabbits Hoppity Hoppity. Yeah, old Susan. You're all dead and Susan is alive. AFLAAC!!
Lady at the Repair Shop
Ever notice the lady calling the rental car company saying "I am at the repair shop!" The rental car company seems to know where she is, even though there are probably 200,000 car repair shops!
There are the food police, the plastic bag police, the recycle police and now the healthy house police! These activists don't know when to quit, what next the sex police? OOPs there're already here!
Senate Finance Committee is deliberating about Medicare benefits. A participant developed a severe nose bleed. Paramedics were called, but couldn't do anything as the person had no health insurance.
Terrorist inadvertently detonates two bombs hidden in his jock strap, on the way to a checkpoint. Iraqi police say he had big brass ones, but not for long!
Welcome to the Big Apple
Muammar Al-Khadafi, Hugo Chavez and Mahmoud Ahmadinejad finally find lodgings at the Bronx Zoo, which had three empty cages.
Farouk Hosny was so distraught about losing the UNESCO Directorship to Irina Bokova, that he piled up some books and set them on fire! He also burnt his house down completely to the ground!
Kirk Fills Seat
Paul Kirk fills Senator Ted Kennedy's Senate seat, apologizes and leaves to change pants after telling everyone, "I was excited! OK?"
He's Gonna Blow!
Third major meal at Puerto Vallarta Buffet places Knoxville, Tennessee man's colon on all-out red alert!