Broad Church Refused Planning Permission
A minister who told his parishioners he wanted to establish a broad church has been refused planning permission.
Heavy Breather Caught
Police trace heavy breather who's been annoying people in San Antonio, Texas to house where dog chasing cat had knocked over the phone.
Blew His Chance, Nuggets
Bumbling car bomber who blew himself and those helping him into car now a eunuch serving 288 virgins the other four have received.
President Obama says that detainees at Guantanamo may be placed in separate prison with Charles Manson broadcasting his thoughts live on the hour. Should know where Ben Ladin hiding within days.
Blue Moon Of Kentucky Moved For Security Reasons
The Blue Moon Of Kentucky has been moved to Mississipi for security reasons. Intelligence Services believe an attack on the celestial body was imminent.
Obama & Kayne West split the Spoof Writers, ethically!
Some do, some don't, Spoof writers who jumped on the band wagon enjoy their mega-points, those who didn't can get pissed and look in the mirror in the morning! Kayne West, WHO????
written by Jaggedone, 18 September 2009
In a show of bipartisanship, President Obama agrees to burning crosses on White House lawn.
In his latest attempt to mitigate years of partisan acrimony, President Obama today agreed to Republican requests to display burning crosses on the north lawn of the White House.
written by anchochilly, 18 September 2009
POW/MIA Recognition Day cancelled due to lack of POW/MIA participation.
After months of preparations for POW/MIA Recognition Day, organizers were forced to cancel the event this week after no POW/MIA's made a commitment to attend.
written by anchochilly, 18 September 2009
Coldest Place In Solar System?
Coldest place in the solar system? Right nearby. Usually wears a pantsuit. Three guesses and first two don't count.
Congress Health Care Fight Continues
More fights ahead in US Congress over health care as health care workers try to mend fifteenth congressman with black eyes, broken teeth.
Meanwhile Speed Limit Is 5 MPH
In Florida, a nudist colony has been relocated away from major highway after nearly 3,000 wrecks the first week it opens.
Bombs Getting Too Smart?
New smart bomb invented by US military taps al-Qaeda leader on the shoulder before exploding in his face.
"I'll Never Do It Again!"
Heartbroken Texas Sheriff claims he's sorry after losing control of friend's big truck and wiping out 211 people in funeral parade of beloved gangster.
Detroit Fans Wait For Hockey Season With Guns In Mouths
Watching the Tigers squander their division lead and dreading the worst-ever Lions' 2009 season, the Redwings are the only thing keeping Detroit fans from spraying their brains all over the carpet.
written by Bob Jones Bulletin, 18 September 2009
Nationals Wish They Were In AL Central
The Washington Nationals organization expressed interest in relocating the team to Green Bay in order to join the AL Central, in which even the very worst team can come out on top.
written by Bob Jones Bulletin, 18 September 2009
Do We Put In A Urinal?
Boy, 12, turns up for school as a girl after sex swap during the summer holidays, forces school to build third bathroom.
Care System Can't Cope
Care system can't cope with aging population, admits Health Secretary. May have to adopt US President's death clause.
Marksmen Not Charged
Police marksmen will not be charged over fatal shooting of barrister Mark Saunders. Instead, titles will be upgraded to "Sharpshooter".
Co-Workers Tape Patient's Mouth
Care workers 'taped 89-year-old dementia sufferer's mouth up to stop him shouting', court told, as tape exhibit with handlebar mustache still attached presented.
No Bloodhounds Needed
Missing chef Claudia Lawrence could be in Cyprus, say police, after they trace mystery of yummy smell!
Secret Service Drops "Messages"
United States Secret Service say they will stop planting "Voices" in small devices on paranoid schizophrenic Cubans to off Castro brothers.
NKorea Ready For New Talks
North Korean leader Kim Jong-il has said he is willing to engage in talks on his country's controversial nuclear program, now that nuckular talks have ended, Chinese state media said.
Russia Hails US Decision
Russian President Dmitry Medvedev has welcomed as "positive" the US decision to shelve controversial missile defence bases in Poland and the Czech Republic as invasions plans sped up.
Glad That's Cleared Up
Do people fall in love on trains? New ten-year study shows that more people actually fall in love while NOT on trains than those that do.
Bernanke More Enthusiastic Over Economy
US Fed Chairman Ben Bernanke may be cautiously declaring that the recession is over as neighbors say he's been outside his house giving high-fives to those passing by.
Illegal Fines Leveled
More than 18,000 fines handed to motorists caught driving in bus lanes in Manchester were illegal, the local authority has admitted. "But we also messed up and forgot to keep name list", say police.
Trying To Change Fasting Law
A Moroccan man campaigning to change the law banning eating in public during the Muslim Ramadan fast says he has received 100 death threats, 14 Big Macs this week.
Take This Seriously
Middle-aged male smokers with high blood pressure, Swine flu, drink one bottle of cheap wine per day & raised cholesterol levels face dying about 10 years before healthier counterparts, a study warns.
Inside Trader Inside
A Hong Kong court has sentenced former Morgan Stanley managing director Du Jun to seven years in prison after his insider trading conviction last week. Immediately begins trading inside.
No Talks But Plenty Of Gestures
'No agreement' in Mid-East talks, as third generation of negotiators ready to begin their 20-year mission.
Banning Of Sugar Cane
The Brazilian government has unveiled plans to ban sugar cane plantations in environmentally sensitive areas, such as inside the city limits of Rio de Janeiro, Sao Paulo.
Fight Against Illegal Hunting
Researchers have developed a new tool in the fight against the illegal hunting and trading of wild animals. It's being referred to as "Shooting The Shooters".
Racism "totally gone," insists GOP
Members of the GOP reported that racism no longer exists in America. "No racists here or anywhere," they note. "Except Obama. Totally racist."
written by BCShow, 18 September 2009
Tea And Coffee Takes The Biscuit
Trading Standards Officials have berated tea and coffee companies after tests showed cups contained 98% water.
New Clean Coal, A Merry Old Soul
West Virginia Governor shows up for photo-op at new clean-coal mine and drinks a glass of water after running it over coal sample.
Exxon Valdez Skipper Pissed
Joseph Hazelwood who was in charge of Exxon Valdez during big oil spill, says he's sick to death of the nickname, "Slick"!
Canine Tells Dog Whisperer To Speak Up
Dog whisperer, Cesar Millan, got the shock of his life yesterday when his border collie, Rusty, politely requested he speak up.
Still Little Progress
Palestinian aide: No deal yet on resuming peace talks...same as forty years ago.
NATO Chief's Proposal
NATO chief proposes linked US/Russian/NATO/Chinese/Arab/Israeli defense. Ambassador from Brazil asks, "From who, Martians?"
Shiftless Thief Sentenced
In Atlanta, shiftless thief can't escape in car he's just stolen because he can't drive a stick shift, draws automatic sentence of five years.
Knoxville, Tennessee police say that station booth employee had probably been dead for three days when discovered.
Mammoth Cave Clean-Up
Mammoth Cave getting cleanup as bones of old prehistoric woolly mammoths finally removed along with those of long dead spelunkers. First of over 300+ miles underground already cleaned.
First Things First
In withdrawing missile shield plan for Poland, Obama, congress say they will have enough saved for future political meetings in Las Vegas, New Orleans, etc. Bail out more failed companies CEO's.
Poland would like to thank the US for pulling missile shield. "You have been every bit as helpful as at the start of the last world war", say leaders.
An Unhappy Bunch
Democrats unhappy with proposed tax in health care bill, that there's still a Republican party out there, Kayce West grabbing microphone.
Shape Up Or Ship Out
1st woman takes charge of Army's drill sergeants, as Obama's Mother-In-Law puts them through their paces.
Officials Flipping Out
Contraception vital in climate change fight. "If we stop having children, it won't matter about climate changes", reveals idiot.
Kayne Rates Current Pope
Kanye West tells Pope Benedict XVI, "You're good, but Pope John Paul II was better."
Kanye Says Grammys Were Better
Kayne West has stuck the knife into the MTV VMAs by telling the organisers, "They were okay but The Grammys were better."
Soap Operas "Too Clean"
Cancellation of "Guiding Light" after 72 year run highlights continued decline of soap operas, now far too tame for American viewers hooked on extreme dysfunction and scandal of reality TV shows.
written by The San Francisco Onion, 18 September 2009
A congressman was overheard saying "Gay Marriage who cares, just accept the term Gay Unions and we can get on with it!"
The Greening of America
A condom maker announced that their product has gone green, using less plastic in manufacturing. Male employees called in sick to their employers and phoned doctors complaining of a green complexion.
Health Care the Real World
In engineering designs one must satisfy requirements, cost and schedule goals; pick any two! In health care reform one must satisfy quality of care, cost and number of people goals; pick any two!
Extremist Politics Explained
Extreme right and left wing Republicans and Democrats, respectively, are like servo mechanisms that are hard up against their mechanical stops. No useful work is ever performed!
Signals Being Overwhelmed by Noise
Computer Engineers are stumped! High speed fiber optic cabling carrying Internet traffic to San Francisco seems operational, but the information content seems to be lost in the local background noise.
Texan (?) Loses Billfold
San Antonio man tells police that he has lost his billfold and if anyone will simply turn it in, they can keep the $65 cash. "Just so long as I get my 200 ID's back."