Don't Ya'll Believe It!
Eastern Kentucky teenager in smashed up Chevy says that painting tunnels on mountainside doesn't work in real life.
Picking Up Points
Dow Jones averages, Cher's newest set of breasts up nearly ten percent since this time last year.
Gore Denies Rumors
Al Gore says he does not believe in revenge and had nothing whatsoever to do with Ralph Nader being deported to Lebanon.
Rush Limbaugh tells radio audience that cutting taxes for the rich upper classes would prevent global warming, Swine Flu outbreak.
Governor Schwarzenegger seen lighting more fires, talking to beings in silver spacesuits.
The Lynndie Posters
New Lynndie England posters over men's restroom urinals "Watch where you're pointing that thing!" having a positive effect.
"Police Over There Again, Martha!"
Neighbors say that gay couple were a lot quieter, nicer before getting married.
Fed Fed Too Much
There's a rumor about that says Kevin Federline may be dropped as spokesperson for The Beverly Hills Diet.
FEMA Ready This Time
FEMA gets ready for extra-cold winter, helping out in Swine Flu epidemic they are calling: Project Winehouse!
Kentuckian Hits Jackpot!
Kentucky winner of $4 million seven-state jackpot says he's spending all that jack on pot!
Behind That Tree
Home Security Department: Remember, schools are back in session. Be on the watch for the little tykes, as several are armed to the teeth & ready to blow!
Ono, That Really Stinks
Yet another old tape of the Beatles has been found behind a false wall at the old unofficial Apple HQ's, this time George, Paul, John & Ringo are having a farting contest, eventually won by Yoko Ono.
We All Have Our Weaknesses
Fort Worth, Texas man, after failing with flowers, big box of candy and a nice dinner out, succeeds with small pistol.
Could Be a Record!
Giant burrowing cockroach may set record for world's largest insect. Keepers are rushing it to Atlanta prison to see if it outweighs Madoff.
Can't Believe Anything Anymore
Apparently, story last week about husband holding "I Cheated" sign, UFO's landing in New England, were both a hoax.
Talk About Excuses
Whitney Houston blames voice-cracking performance on Oprah. Says she made her talk too much on talk show. Apparently she wasn't expecting to have to talk.
Checked His Prints
Florida man born without arms says bank would not let him cash check because he couldn't give thumbprint. "So I asked them to pull down my pants & lead me to the copier!"
Already Being Done
Critics decry White House 'indoctrination' plan calling on schools to teach kids more about Obama. "Oh we've been teaching about that idiot already", says Bowling Green, Ky. teacher.
Sawyer Takes Over
Diane Sawyer will take over ABC's nightly news anchor duties when Charlie Gibson retires from "World News" at the end of this year. "I can't take this lying anymore", stated Gibson.
Not Cords Needed
CNN reports electronics such as phones & laptops may start shedding their power cords within a year. "Tables may float around, knocks on the walls, voice of long dead relatives: "You not married yet?"
Not Me This Time
Obama hating preacher prays for his death. "Not me this time", says Jesse Jackson. "Besides, I just said I'd like to cut his nuts off."
Special On Rethreads Also
Super WalMart announces super rollback on condoms of all brands, colors and sizes.
One Of These Days, Alice!
Sexy 25-year-old secretary shows up two hours late and receives the "The last time I'm Going to tell you" speech fo the 64th time.
Southern European/Asian/African bogs f*****g stink!
Holiday makers returning from their hols in the sun are becoming ill, the amount of shit, bog paper, and urinal stench in overflowing public bogs, f*****G STINKS!
written by Jaggedone, 02 September 2009
Bush fires burn Californians butts
The wrath of God knows no limits, even the pretty people in Bollywood are feeling the fiery brimstones, their silicone implants are melting by the second!
written by Jaggedone, 02 September 2009
Northwest Goes Green, Kaboom!
Northwest Airlines estimate they will save millions of dollars a year after planes begin cruising at 600 feet.
"Never Needed No Drivers Lisins"
Police stop eastern Kentucky family coming into the big city of Bear Wallow to see if they had a drivers license. But as soon as window rolled down, coughed out "Forget it!" & goes back to patrol car.
"I Was Trying To Correct Myself!"
Bi-polar guy arrested after driving the right way on the wrong side of the Interstate, then the wrong way on the right side, causing seventeen police car pile-up.
SS Surplus That Never Existed, Gone!
Congress wants to know where the Social Security surplus went. "In 2000 we took the best two weeks income & used that for 100 years. It was right there on paper in the safe, now someone has erased it!
The Kind Way To Go
Florida replaces electric chair with electric sex doll to go along with prisoners last meal.
He's A Goner
US Treasury Department admits that in all the hassle over clunkers, bailouts, etc they have misplaced over a trillion dollars, Treasury Department second-in-command.
See How They Like That!
Three well-equipped, barely dressed women he hired, show up to join family in waving goodbye to grinning Grandfather Moneybags.
Know What We Mean
Parents/Teachers Association demand that the magazine "Huffing Glue & Other Cheap Teen Hobbies" be closed down or they will glue the shit out of them...that should be "sue the glue out of them!"
Write On, Man!
Mystery writer who is determined to get first mystery published forced to declare Chapter 11, before completing chapter 22.
Clone Clinic Blown
FBI says they believe illegal immigrants were ones that blew up cloning clinic, fearing clones would work for food only in the near future.
Scientists Make Breakthrough?
Scientist says that on his day off, his fellow workers must have made final breakthrough on never aging, never needing Viagra study. They had all disappeared by the time he made it back to work.
Obama Gets Extra Vacation.
Obama to get two extra weeks vacation as President sends her on two week vacation for "2011" Mother's Day. Already one Mother's Day ahead.
Say It Ain't So, Barbie
Barbie's image tarnished after being spotted with "Vibrator Man" at New York hot spot!
Old Used As Bait
Scientists say huge fish may have been early man's source of food as old and useless used for bait...much like today's health plans.
Gaddafi Honors Scotland
Lockerbie: Gaddafi honours Scotland with pipers at 40th anniversary party to thank them for Megrahi's release, by playing, "Muckin' o' Geordie's Byre".
Wheelie Bin Protocol
£500 fine if you put out wheelie bin on the wrong day, your wheelie bin has a wobbly wheel, or one which is squeaking.
Keeping A Log
Council workers get two days' extra pay to cover the time it takes to get to their floor while on elevator, time spent on commode before any "action" begins.
Action Too Late
Two bloggers from Azerbaijan are facing up to five years in jail after posting a video of a donkey giving a news conference on YouTube, after Pelosi, Reid objections. "Trying to make Jackasses of us!"
It's All In HOW They Do It
Startled pigeons might not appear to epitomise the wonder of evolution, but a study has discovered that the birds can communicate with their wings, shitting on only certain parts of statues.
Aussies really Growing
Australian growth beats forecasts as some kangaroos now the size of Tyrannosaurus Rex.
Stalin Grandson Defends Grandpa
Grandson sues to clear Stalin over killings. "Only killed one million, not twenty million!"
Swine Flu Overcomes Weaker Flu
Study: Swine flu easily overtakes other weaker strains such as the Puny-Feeling Flu.
Disney Buys Marvel
Disney purchases Marvel Comics. Look for "Spiderman Versus Captain Hook" in near future. Also, "The Incredible Tinkerbell"
Economy On Rebound
Obama: Manufacturing growth, much lower population from Swine Flu a good sign for the economy.
Combating Pilot Fatigue
New rules coming to fight pilots' fatigue includes occasion slight shock in pilots seat, AFLAC duck recording every 10 minutes.
"Swine Flu Fall" Coming
Homeland Security Secretary Janet Napolitano said Wednesday that people should expect "a big influx" of swine flu cases this fall and prepare as best they can", from remote island in the Pacific.
Ripper Reving Up
Thousands flee as Hurricane Jack The Ripper gathers strength out in the Atlantic. Meteorologists questioned over name.
Nancy Pelosi mad as she suddenly spots "Remove malignant Pelosi from office on bottom small letter on page 12,878 of health care bill.
Reuters Cameraman Still Being Held
A year on, Reuters cameraman still held by U.S. army as the Reuter could be a Swine Flu "Carrier".
WalMart Runner-Up Wearing Five Shirts, Soiled Pants
People of Walmart: Site Mocks Worst-Dressed Customers. "Hard to choose over 100,000,000 entries says judge.
Weather aids California fire crew as local weathermen draw huge rain clouds on their maps, repeat chant they were taught, but battle not over.
UN reports sharp drop in Afgan Opium
UN says the drop was caused by unfavourable weather and the locals not working hard enough. Supply should be back to normal next year.
written by Frank Miller, 02 September 2009
A True Lefty
Man on the street refuses to comment on Ted Kennedy's death until after he hears what Springsteen, Mellencamp and Neil Young think about it.
Hurricane Claudette has filed a complaint with OSHA that Hurricane Bill followed her through the Caribbean.
written by Philbert of Macadamia, 02 September 2009
Well Hot Dog
Agents from the ASPCA waiting to question man whose German Shepherd dog tried to carry him back inside burning house three times.
Disney Purchases Marvel Comics
Wall Street is apprehensive about Disney's purchase of Marvel Comics. Will the action heroes Iron Man, Spider-Man, X-Men and Captain America morph into a mouse, a duck, a dog and an elephant?
written by Philbert of Macadamia, 02 September 2009
After 18 months on the space station, returning rookie astronaut makes successful landing on commode on only his third try.
Rehab and detox clinics overwhelmed as Gmail crashes.
Millions of people who use Gmail entered rehab programs the past 24 hours seeking relief from withdrawls after being without the highly addictive e-mail service for a few hours yesterday and today.
written by anchochilly, 02 September 2009