Joan: Melting In My Arms
An anonymous source says that it is now official, Joan Rivers is at least 51% plastic.
written by Bureau, 27 August 2009
Sonny Had Magic Touch
Cher says Sonny always had that magic touch like no one else, with the rabbits and the pigeons coming out of his pockets.
written by Bureau, 27 August 2009
"I Said I Ain't Jackie!"
Michelle Obama says that the spirit of John F. Kennedy in the White House touches her inappropriately at least once a week.
written by Bureau, 27 August 2009
Both Leaders Claim Victory
Both leaders who say they have won the election in Afghanistan say thy will impose partial law immediately upon taking office.
written by Bureau, 27 August 2009
Sen. Ted Kennedy's motorcade ends up in Atlantic City after making wrong turn.
BOSTON - On it's way from Sen. Kennedy's Cape Cod home,the motorcade carrying Sen Kennedy's body made a wrong turn and ended up at the Showboat Casino in Atlantic City, NJ.
written by anchochilly, 27 August 2009
Former Prez Was A Featherweight
Former President Carter admits in his new book that after he was called a wimp on Iran hostages, he went out and took some classes on Kung Pow Chicken.
written by Bureau, 27 August 2009
Cowell Got All A's At School
Simon Cowell says he always got all A's from his teachers at school: A dipshit, A complete idiot, A fart knocker, A bedpan sniffing addict.
written by Bureau, 27 August 2009
Taco Bell Popular In Mexico
The Taco Bell restaurant chain ha opened it's first restaurant in Mexico City. Citizens think it's great. "It's about time we had some American food down here."
written by Bureau, 27 August 2009
Geico Heads !
Town Hall protesters shout down visiting pro-universal health care speech with "How's that going to save us money on auto insurance?"
written by Bureau, 27 August 2009
Rod Stewart Defends Old Group
Rod Stewart denies that his old group were gay. "Why do you think we called ourselves, 'Small Feces'?" he asks.
written by Bureau, 27 August 2009
Death Squad Make Strange Bedfellows
After Kennedy death, more credence to Obama death squad taken. Bill, Hillary, Pelosi, Limbaugh, Hannity all on the run!
written by Bureau, 27 August 2009
He Kept Us Going
Washington DC bartenders, owners,staff to appear before congress for bailout because of losing Ted Kennedy.
written by Bureau, 27 August 2009
Mexican Sellout
Caleefornia Governor Schwarzeneger offered a special deal to Mexico in making California a two-country state but was shouted down by illegal immigrants working in fields. "We don't want them up here!"
written by Bureau, 27 August 2009
Actor is attacked By Monkey
American Pie actor, Jason Biggs has been attacked by a monkey in Gibraltar. Peter Tork was filming in Australia at the time, whereas Mickey Dolenz was unavailable for comment.
written by IN SEINE, 27 August 2009
President Taps Larry Craig
President Obama says that he is considering Larry Craig as the new "Let's All Be Friends" Czar involving Democrat and Republican agreements. "No one can reach across the aisle like Craig", says Obama.
written by Bureau, 27 August 2009
Duck Quakes Most Of Them
A CIA memo has surfaced outlining approved torture methods: Naked Pecker Pointing, Virgins In Burkas Telling Them All 72 Are Bea Arthur Lookalikes, Black Beans For A Month, Singing AFLAC Duck!
written by Bureau, 27 August 2009
Worse Than George Foreman's Georges
There's a big presidential election runoff in Afghanistan and President Hamid Karzai's opponent is a man called Abdullah Abdullah Junior, whose son is named Abdullah, Abdullah, Abdullah The Third.
written by Bureau, 27 August 2009
Guv. Cutting Expenses
Governor Schwarzenegger is trying to reduce California's climbing deficit by auctioning off state holdings that he says are no longer needed, like those silly Hollywood imprints on a sidewalk.
written by Bureau, 27 August 2009
Hooffoot Chavez Cancels Show
Venezuelan President Hugo Chavez has canceled an edition of his TV show, Alo Presidente, after set of horns, forked tail and tongue appear overnight.
written by Bureau, 27 August 2009
Iraqi Man Arrested
"Bomb On Board" on vehicle gives away suicide bomber, Dorkus Amen before he reaches his target in Iraq.
written by Bureau, 27 August 2009
Big Asses A Hit!
Bigass American tourists being sought in Mexico by drug lords to carry huge mule-loads of cocaine in plastic containers across the border. "The bigger the ass, the bigger the rewards", says one.
written by Bureau, 27 August 2009
CIA Places Test Call
Test call by the CIA to the White House at Three AM in the morning answered by Obama's Mother-In-Law while on the toilet.
written by Bureau, 27 August 2009
Retirement Village Squabble
Neighbors call in police to retirement village in Florida as old couple fighting and overhearing the old lady saying, "It's my way or the Segway!"
written by Bureau, 27 August 2009
News From JAMA
Report in JAMA Magazine: Pregnant women who eat a lot of bananas during pregnancy more likely to have a son.
written by Bureau, 27 August 2009
Mayo Clinic Study
Study at Mayo Clinic: Mayonnaise preferred over common salad dressing nearly nine to one.
written by Bureau, 27 August 2009
Ribbett! Ribbet!!
The former chief financial officer of billionaire Sir Allen Stanford's empire has pleaded guilty to charges relating to his boss's alleged $7bn singing frog fraud.
written by Bureau, 27 August 2009
Took It Hard
Millions of Americans turned on their morning news shows on Wednesday to sombre voices, solemn music and church choirs at their windows marking the death of Senator Edward Kennedy.
written by Bureau, 27 August 2009
Bears Are Threatened
Climate change is "the greatest challenge we face as a species" says Polar Bear, as translated by member of Greenpeace, just before he was eaten alive.
written by Bureau, 27 August 2009
Poor Hospital Treatment
A patient lobby group is demanding an urgent review of basic hospital care after highlighting accounts of "appalling" NHS standards, after finding milk jugs for pee, dishpans for bedpans.
written by Bureau, 27 August 2009
Man With 6 Wives Arrested
Police in Mumbai, India say they have arrested a man for forgery and polygamy after he married at least six women over the past two years. "He was out to break Obama's dad's record", says officer.
written by Bureau, 27 August 2009
Chinese Chipmunk Mad Over Lama
China has criticised invitation from Taiwan to the Dalai Lama, saying he only wants to sabotage improving cross-strait relations. However, one spokesman had came back as a chipmunk everyone ignored.
written by Bureau, 27 August 2009
UK Growing Fast
The UK population has passed 61 million for the first time, according to the Office for National Statistics. At least 10 million are illegal immigrants.
written by Bureau, 27 August 2009
Persia...Er, Iran Warned!
Iran could face new sanctions if it does not show a willingness to negotiate on its nuclear programme, the German chancellor has said. "Next on the UN agenda is to ground all their magic carpets."
written by Bureau, 27 August 2009
Millwall in trouble
Ten horses, fifteen geese, eleven goats and two hundred and seventy hedgehogs. This is all the Millwall FC has under contract following the departure of its major Premier League players for West Ham.
written by whatinthe world, 27 August 2009
First Things First
Harvard to investigate origins of life, right after they finish study on why the Chicago Cubs have not won a world series in 100 years.
written by Bureau, 27 August 2009
Bush Had Warning!
Revealed: Bush was told Hijackers planned attack morning of 9/11. Guy came over to him while he was reading to kids and whispered it in his ear. Then came right back & told him it had just happened.
written by Bureau, 27 August 2009
New Onslaught Expected
"Bigger Penis Head" scam alert level on internet being raised to Dogpecker Pink!
written by Bureau, 27 August 2009
Dominick Dunne Done
Crime story author Dominick Dunne, 83, dies in NYC under highly suspicious circumstances.
written by Bureau, 27 August 2009
JAMA Penis Report
JAMA'Report: Circumcision doesn't protect gays from AIDS virus, but does make penis more attractive.
written by Bureau, 27 August 2009
Health Officials: Don't Panic Over Swine Flu Massacre
Government health officials are urging people not to panic over estimates of 90,000 people dying from swine flu this fall. "Wait until you hear, Half Million, then panic."
written by Bureau, 27 August 2009
Toll Brothers, Big & Little, Face Losses
Toll Brothers lost $472 million in third quarter say they will have to raise the Toll.
written by Bureau, 27 August 2009
A Fitting Farewell
Body of Edward Kennedy to lie in repose in Boston on plane stuck on tarmac for two days.
written by Bureau, 27 August 2009
Kennedy's Fame
Fame didn't separate Kennedy from little guy, as that was usually handled by bodyguards.
written by Bureau, 27 August 2009
Ireland Will Miss Kennedy
Edward Kennedy remembered fondly in Ireland. Whiskey production scheduled to drop by 5% once wakes are over.
written by Bureau, 27 August 2009
Shiites Lament Scarface
Thousands of Iranians prayed and wept Thursday during a memorial for Iraqi Shiite leader Abdul-Aziz al-Capone in the start of mourning that will encompass Shiites in both Iran and Iraq.
written by Bureau, 27 August 2009
Up Your Nose, China
Taiwan's government approves visit by Dalai Lama, former student who stood in front of line of tanks at Tiananmen Square.
written by Bureau, 27 August 2009
Do You Know The Way?
High-speed rail line to San Jose faces delay, new song by Dionne Warwick.
written by Bureau, 27 August 2009
Old Danny Threat To Buoy
Tropical Storm Danny strengthens in the Atlantic. Could be threat to buoys.
written by Bureau, 27 August 2009
Guy Can't Win
NM Governor Richardson said to be clear of fed probe, caught up and probed by UFO last night near Roswell.
written by Bureau, 27 August 2009
Drone Kills 6
Drone attack in northwestern Pakistan kills 6 as drones slowly replace US soldiers in Iraq, Afghanistan.
written by Bureau, 27 August 2009
Suicidal Planet
Astronomers have found what appears to be a gigantic suicidal planet spinning a course into it's star. Apparently it was promised 72 Rings in next life.
written by Bureau, 27 August 2009
Bernanke Among Victims
Federal Reserve Board chairman Ben Bernanke is one of those who had their identity stolen lately. Apparently, that was a complete stranger changing the inter rates last month,
written by Bureau, 27 August 2009
Shark Born Out Water
A shark was born in Cheshire aquarium as it was being moved to the quarantine section in a divers hands. This is NOT unusual as hundreds of loan sharks are born out of water in Liverpool & London.
written by IN SEINE, 27 August 2009
New Google Logo
In Seine News reports that it is HIGHLY PROBABLE that search engine giant Google will use the 'Loch Ness Monster' in its logo this week. You heard it here first!
written by IN SEINE, 27 August 2009
Lego Giraffe's tail stolen
A LEGO giraffe has had his tail stolen 4 times this year from a theme Park in Germany. Consisting of 15,000 bricks, the 12 inch sculpture costs £2,600 to replace. Police do not suspect James May.
written by IN SEINE, 27 August 2009
Set To Stun!
A new Star Trek range of fragrances is to join the market ready for Christmas. This actually contains traces of WD-40 and engine oil from the starship, USS Enterprise and is guaranteed to work on anoraks!
written by IN SEINE, 27 August 2009
British Tabloids Report
Current UK prime minister receives vote of "no confidence." Margaret Thatcher returns to 10 Downing Street and gives Libyans 10 days to return Lockerbie bomber or face serious consequences.
written by Philbert of Macadamia, 27 August 2009
Going Green is Going to cost you Green
Latest news from the "green gang" is that cost savings via using green energy won't happen in some US regions until 2030. Gee weren't all the windmills and solar panels to be up and running last week?
written by Philbert of Macadamia, 27 August 2009
Political Metamorphosis
At 21 I was a Democrat, at 45 I leaned Republican and at 65 I became an Independent because of each major party's loony policies. What will I be next, probably an older overtaxed vegetarian!
written by Philbert of Macadamia, 27 August 2009
Going Topless a US Constitutional Right
A women's group claims going topless is a Constitutional right. The other 50% of the US population agrees, provided there is a bracket of 21 to 55 years of age. Town hall meetings are being scheduled.
written by Philbert of Macadamia, 27 August 2009
Latest Soccer Riots Blamed on al Qaeda
London officials suspect al Qaeda infiltration for the West Ham versus Millwall football riots. The melee occurred before, during and after the game negating them as being totally random events.
written by Philbert of Macadamia, 27 August 2009
Liberals call for more Regulation
In response to her San Francisco constituent's desires for more regulation, Democratic House Speaker Pelosi has pushed through a bill to provide them free laxatives. Details remain to be worked out!
written by Philbert of Macadamia, 27 August 2009
New Texting While Driving Law
Experts say texting while driving laws are hard to enforce. A proposed law makes a person TWD, who caused the accident, an indentured body servant for life to the other driver (assuming they survive).
written by Philbert of Macadamia, 27 August 2009
Environmentalist Hypocrisy
Environmentalists are quiet as state funding for cleaning up a lake or a bay is cut by Democratic governors to clean up their own bloated budget messes. No Republicans to bash this time!
written by Philbert of Macadamia, 27 August 2009
Seen any Migrating Loons Lately?
Far left wing loons keep telling us the USA is bad. Wrong, free Americans are debating issues and trying to solve 21st century problems. The number of loons applying for passports has not increased!
written by Philbert of Macadamia, 27 August 2009
