Another Rooney Observation
Andy Rooney: You ever notice that when your co-worker at the office comes in and says that someone broke into his mother's house the night before and throttled her, how quiet it gets? Why is that?
written by Bureau, 25 August 2009
Needs To Watch It
Those in the know around Hollywood say that crappy acting just may cost Jim Carrey another oscar.
written by Bureau, 25 August 2009
Wang Electronics Announces Plans To Move Manufacturing Plant to U.S.
Tallywacker, Alabama and Peter, South Carolina are considered early favorites.
written by unknown
Semenya
Semenya sings to her crowd of adoring fans, she chose the song "it's a man's world"
written by disciple, 25 August 2009
Buried On Top Of Marilyn Monroe
Man who paid $4.6 million to be buried in crypt over that of Marilyn Monroe can't wait till he dies! "I've also thought about converting to Islam but that would just be greedy!"
written by Bureau, 25 August 2009
Shock & Awe..Shit!
An off Broadway production entitled "Topless In Tijuana" closes after one night as cast includes five men and three old women.
written by Bureau, 25 August 2009
Goes Around, Comes Around
Doctor 'forced teenager with learning difficulties to perform sex act.' Cellmate returns the favor.
written by Bureau, 25 August 2009
Six Injured At Record-Setter
Success! British steam supercar smashes 100-year-old land speed record, half a dozen witnesses!
written by Bureau, 25 August 2009
Brown Breaks Silence, Wind
Brown FINALLY breaks his silence and wind to insist he had 'no role' in release of Lockerbie bomber!
written by Bureau, 25 August 2009
You Live & Learn
Ex-Blue Peter presenter warned by TV watchdog for branding transsexual guest 'a sort of half man, half woman'. "I guess the half-woman should have came first", says Presenter.
written by Bureau, 25 August 2009
Brit Couple assaulted
A British couple today told how they were robbed, stabbed and poisoned as their dream holiday on a paradise isle in Venezuela turned into a nightmare. "We plan to go to the Congo next year!"
written by Bureau, 25 August 2009
Burqa-Clad Robber
Burqa-clad man armed with gun and axe steals £150,000 designer watches. "I thought she had quite an ass without much boobs at all", stated clerk.
written by Bureau, 25 August 2009
What WAS That?
Man collapses with ruptured appendix... three weeks after NHS supposedly took it out. "I wonder what we took out?" states surgeon.
written by Bureau, 25 August 2009
Obama to change "Don't Ask, Don't Tell" (variation #4)
Protestant Chaplains suggest: "Pansy boys go to Hell"
written by unknown
Obama to change "Don't Ask, Don't Tell" (variation #3)
Naval officers suggest "My Ass Looks Swell."
written by unknown
Obama to change "Don't Ask, Don't Tell" (variation #2)
Straights propose "Leave the fudge packing to Ernie Keebler."
written by unknown
Obama to change "Don't Ask, Don't Tell"
Gays propose "Don't Jump, Don't Yell"
written by unknown
Goes Into Other Room
Memphis doctor backs away from giving anti-diarrhea vaccine as it doesn't work immediately & the shot causes a natural response. "I've been sprayed too many times. Nurse given hazardous duty raise."
written by Bureau, 25 August 2009
South African "Wonder" girl/boy tests reveal testorone in testicles!
Caster Semenya 800 metre wonder has been tested revealing high levels of testerone in her testicles, only problem is, she's a women!
written by unknown
Frid Tired Of Being Labeled
Actor who played Barnabas on Dark Shadows, Jonathan Frid, says he's getting very tired of being called "That Old Bat".
written by Bureau, 25 August 2009
David Carradine Bullying Michael Jackson
David Carradine called in on the carpet for mocking Michael Jackson, singing "Bad" in a high falsetto voice.
written by Bureau, 25 August 2009
Anchor Man Cracks Up
News anchorman dismissed, camera quickly cuts away as he comes on upside down in chair completely naked and with an anchor tied to penis.
written by Bureau, 25 August 2009
The Empty Nest, Filled!
Atlanta couple say they have the house all to themselves after last son goes off to college. Can't make up their minds where to have sex first.
written by Bureau, 25 August 2009
New Fire Chief
Smokey The Bear hits 65, retires. His job replacement will be Smokey The Salmon, who will sing the old Platter's song, "Only You" from a plaque on the wall.
written by Bureau, 25 August 2009
Mexico Legalizes Marijuana, Adios Amigos!
Mexico has now legalized drug possession. The move has led to Mexican drug lords asking the government for a bailout.
written by Bureau, 25 August 2009
Our Four Hottest Presidents
Unusual hot weather in South Dakota has Park Service having helicopter drop three loads of water on the Mount Rushmore.
written by Bureau, 25 August 2009
Obama Needed Vacation
President Obama apparently needed a vacation on Martha's Vineyard as it's the third day and he's still asleep.
written by Bureau, 25 August 2009
Bedbugs Bite Bill
Former President Bill Clinton has had to move out of his office in Harlem for a few days because it's infested with bed bugs. Why his office has a bed, he hasn't explained.
written by Bureau, 25 August 2009
Obama Meeting Dr. K
Dr. Kevorkian consulting with President Obama at Martha's Vineyard as announcement forthcoming that Dr. K will head up new Death Panel on new health care bill.
written by Bureau, 25 August 2009
Refs Turned Him In
Dallas Cowboy's owner, Jerry Jones, angered over his new superscreen at stadium that blocks punts, accuses referees of blowing the whistle.
written by Bureau, 25 August 2009
It Was All A Joke
Kingsport, Tennessee bank robber holding pistol finds five tellers with automatic weapons aimed at him.
written by Bureau, 25 August 2009
Economy Bringing Down Prices
Prostitutes on both sides of the Atlantic say they will petition early in 2010 for tart reform.
written by Bureau, 25 August 2009
Air Guitar Vibes
How do you judge an air guitar competition? "That's easy", says judge. "We all take LSD beforehand."
written by Bureau, 25 August 2009
A Limited War Proposed
A grim forecast for 2030 as there will be two billion more people, if not prevented, and not enough food.
written by Bureau, 25 August 2009
Party Drugs Banned
Two so-called "party" drugs and a man-made cannabis substitute will be banned by the end of the year, the Home Office Party Pooper has announced.
written by Bureau, 25 August 2009
Trees On The Move
Trees around the world are colonizing new territories in response to higher temperatures, as family in Oregon awaken to a six-foot tree in their den.
written by Bureau, 25 August 2009
Yahoo: Yahu Meeting Yoyo
Israel's Netanyahu in London to hold top level talks with Britain's Gordan Brown Yoyo.
written by Bureau, 25 August 2009
She's, He's Home
Controversial world champion athlete Caster Semenya has arrived home in South Africa whose citizens give her, him a rapturous welcome.
written by Bureau, 25 August 2009
Vets Given Misinformation
Group: Vets wrongly told they have fatal disease, American has been nuked off the earth.
written by Bureau, 25 August 2009
Government Extends Deadline
Government extends deadline for clunkers paperwork but all forms must be filled out by 2012 election.
written by Bureau, 25 August 2009
CIA Being Questioned
CIA terror tactics spur changes, new probe once truth comes out after CIA suspects waterboarded.
written by Bureau, 25 August 2009
Athens Saved From Fire, Tourists
Massive wildfire near Athens nearly put out, massive crowds of tourists nearly put off, due to smell, damage.
written by Bureau, 25 August 2009
Multitaskers Often Bad At It
Study finds people who multitask often bad at it. For example, concentration on four things at once only allows 25% of brain to work on each task.
written by Bureau, 25 August 2009
SKorea Launches Into Space
South Korea launches first rocket into space, just to show North Korea they are not all that!
written by Bureau, 25 August 2009
A Serious Operation
A man was admitted to the Princess Royal hospital in Telford, suffering from premature ejaculation. The doctors said it was touch and go.
written by IN SEINE, 25 August 2009
Foreign Minister lacks Testicular Fortitude
Sweden's FM lacks testicular fortitude for not condemning a totally false Stockholm newspaper story about Israel. He claims freedom of the press, but Sweden said sorry for printing a Mohammed cartoon!
written by Philbert of Macadamia, 25 August 2009
Dr. Nancy
House Speaker Pelosi was approached by a TV network executive to take a new job, as she is so knowledgeable about health care issues. Dr. Nancy will be replacing Dr. Phil in the fall!
written by Philbert of Macadamia, 25 August 2009
Who's in Charge?
The attorney general needs key data about any CIA abuses, Speaker Pelosi wants to stone the CIA and President Obama desires not to play cop. This is a clear case of the "Keystone Cops" in action!
written by Philbert of Macadamia, 25 August 2009
FCC Recommendations
FCC recommends to Congress that they let House Speaker Pelosi buy all the radio and TV stations in the USA. The "Empress Broadcasting System" would provide only the finest far left wing programming.
written by Philbert of Macadamia, 25 August 2009
Mahmoud Ahmadinejad Selects his Cabinet
Iranian presidential pretender Mahmoud Ahmadinejad has selected three women for his cabinet. The other 35 million female applicants are all named Neda!
written by Philbert of Macadamia, 25 August 2009
Army Field Manual to be Used
Obama Administration announces "U.S.S.R Army Field Manual to be used for interrogating detainees." Press Secretary Gibbs blames typo "U.S. Army Field Manual to be used for interrogating detainees."
written by Philbert of Macadamia, 25 August 2009
New Unit to Question Terrorists
The new FBI/CIA interrogation unit has hired former staff members of liberal talk radio "Air America" to bore confessions out of detainees. The ACLU is claiming this is cruel and unusual punishment!
written by Philbert of Macadamia, 25 August 2009
House Un-American Activities Committee
Democrat left wing Speaker Pelosi intends to call Senator J McCarthy (R) before the HUAC to reinforce her charges that those Americans who disagree with her on health care reform are un-American!
written by Philbert of Macadamia, 25 August 2009
Scottish Brokered Trade Deal
Scotland asked President Obama if a trade of 3 sheep, 2 goats and a chicken to Libya for the Lockerbie bomber is acceptable. Scotland would broker this deal as atonement for their Faux Pas.
written by Philbert of Macadamia, 25 August 2009
