DNA Not Sure Evidence
Scientists say DNA evidence can be planted at the scene of a crime. John Edwards says that's what has happened to him, and that it's a crime not knowing who is the real father of that baby.
written by Bureau, 18 August 2009
Russians Let Loose
Rush Limbaugh: America much less safe than when Sarah Palin was keeping an eye on Russia from her front porch!
written by Bureau, 18 August 2009
We're Taking Aback America
American patriots, urged on by insurance companies, plan to throw more tea parties, strike at the heart of demonic socialism!
written by Bureau, 18 August 2009
Traces Of Cocaine
Traces of cocaine found on 90 percent of U.S. Bills; Every Tom, Dick and Harry are OK!
written by Bureau, 18 August 2009
Fido Vanderbilt Says
Dog Etiquette: Humping a leg is now considered a compliment provided the owner or the friend of family is alone.
written by Bureau, 18 August 2009
Black Betty had another Child!
Damn things gone wild! Oh well, third time lucky?
written by Lightning Conductor, 18 August 2009
Coma Patient Wakes Up
Guy who just came out of coma for twenty-five years after getting hit by a brick when gas leak exploded, wants to know "what the heck was that?"
written by Bureau, 18 August 2009
So Is Sitting On The Ground
Flying is actually safer than ever, say those interviewed who had been waiting on the ground during four hour delay.
written by Bureau, 18 August 2009
It's A Different Game
Study shows that the age of the average baseball player is older than in the 1960's, head's average two inches bigger.
written by Bureau, 18 August 2009
Babies Getting Bigger
Doctors in delivery rooms say that babies are getting so big today that as soon as they are born, their mother counts their chins.
written by Bureau, 18 August 2009
Taco Bell Prepared This Time
Once again today a couple of jokers, perhaps the same ones of a couple years ago, threw a snake through a Taco Bell ordering window. This time, however, they were prepared & turned loose the mongoose.
written by Bureau, 18 August 2009
Parents Pretty Proud
Local family proud of son being Valdevictorian, daughter, Salutatorian at home school graduation.
written by Bureau, 18 August 2009
FOX Cancels Show
The FOX Network cancels their new reality show, "Who Wants To Be On TV The Longest?" midway through first episode.
written by Bureau, 18 August 2009
Can't Please Her
White House French chef, butler, gardener, maid, dog walker resign to spend more time away from Michelle's mother.
written by Bureau, 18 August 2009
Snore No More
Men who snore 'are twice as likely to die early' says study. Wives twice as likely to smother them to death with pillow.
written by Bureau, 18 August 2009
Works Fine In Mexico
Magistrates' fears over new police powers to give drivers £60 on-the-spot fines, £30 in unmarked cash.
written by Bureau, 18 August 2009
Labour Party?
The rise of the Neet: Record numbers of young unemployed as 'real' scale of joblessness under Labour is revealed. Demand political party change its name.
written by Bureau, 18 August 2009
DNA Evidence Fabricated?
DNA evidence can be fabricated and planted at crime scenes, scientists warn, or at least they say they're scientists.
written by Bureau, 18 August 2009
Just #112 & I'm Through
Woman lucky to be alive after husband explodes while eating "just one more chicken wing" in front of opened fridge door.
written by Bureau, 18 August 2009
Monica Regains Weight
Monica Lewinsky gains weight back, blaming it on addition to eating twinkies, ding dongs.
written by Bureau, 18 August 2009
Did You Check His Shoes?
Mother's outrage after Met officers stop and search her nine-year-old son after saying someone had just stolen a shotgun.
written by Bureau, 18 August 2009
Once Corrected Dictionary
'Punctuation hero' branded a vandal for painting apostrophes on street signs. Couldn't stand it any longer, stated former English teacher, Stefan Gatward.
written by Bureau, 18 August 2009
WW2 Bomb Exploded
Entire villages cleared and roads closed as huge WW2 bomb is exploded as chuckle overheard in German nursing home.
written by Bureau, 18 August 2009
Mexico, tequila and dope!
Mexico best known for it's Tequila/Tortilla exports has decided to replace it's border guards with convicts and shove as much dope into the US as possible! Dope is now numero uno exporto, ARRIBA!
written by unknown
U2's Bono and Edge fithy environ(very)mental hypocrites!
After spending $60 million on their new stage-set, U2 hypocrites need 200 trucks to carry the shit back and forward, The Edge quoted "fuck the environment, more bums on seats mean mega bucks!!"
written by unknown
They Have Done It!
Naked women running out of showers near Think Tank indicates scientists have finally mastered cloaking device.
written by Bureau, 18 August 2009
Obama First In Fundraising
Final figures for the 2008 Presidential race shows that Obama easily outdistanced Hillary and McCain. Last was Ralph Nader who didn't get many contributions but saved some bucks by switching to Geico.
written by Bureau, 18 August 2009
First You Marry Lisa Marie
Seven weeks after his death, Michael Jackson is to feature on clothes, coins, trading cards and singing stuffed animals after a judge approved a deal to manufacture official merchandise. Elvis pissed.
written by Bureau, 18 August 2009
Traveling Ups & Downs
Train fares set to stall in 2010, say economists. Air fares to come back down.
written by Bureau, 18 August 2009
Good To Know These Things
Mozart was 'killed by strep throat' say experts. Tchaikovsky sneezed himself to death trying to introduce himself and Trotsky died of the shits."
written by Bureau, 18 August 2009
Zombies Would Win Attack
If zombies actually existed, an attack by them would lead to the collapse of civilization unless dealt with quickly and aggressively, says study. Recommends much more friendly relationship with Haiti.
written by Bureau, 18 August 2009
Texas Tradition To Uphold
A prominent Texas judge has gone on trial accused of refusing to let lawyers for a convicted murderer on death row lodge last-minute appeal. "We have a tradition to uphold here in Texas", says judge.
written by Bureau, 18 August 2009
Time For Change
American voters who voted for Barack Obama because they wanted change now say they want a photo of someone else on the cover of Time Magazine.
written by Bureau, 18 August 2009
Lots Of Kicking Up The Heels
The late Saddam Hussein's novel may be made into a musical with the title, "Springtime, Hangtime For Saddam".
written by Bureau, 18 August 2009
Texting 911!
First official texted 911 call to NYC Police says: Yo! we gotz da ded dood hear?
written by Bureau, 18 August 2009
Castro Celebrates 83rd Birthday
Castro celebrates 83rd birthday as cake sent from the US is completely harmless this time. Still, it's blown up just in case.
written by Bureau, 18 August 2009
New Gun Ads Out!
Gun makers pledge to discourage children with new ad campaign:
"Kids, Just shooting over the bully's head will scare the shit out of him & embarrass him to death!"
written by Bureau, 18 August 2009
Wrongful Death Suit?
Jackson's mother considering wrongful death suit. "Or I could wear something less flashy", she tells reporters.
written by Bureau, 18 August 2009
Healthcare Becoming Sore Point
Health care concession riles left; right unmoved, middle says enough already, do something about the economy!
written by Bureau, 18 August 2009
Gay Lutheran Clergy Passes First Test
Lutheran gay clergy proposal passes first hurdle, a large mural painting on his churches ceiling.
written by Bureau, 18 August 2009
California Fires Rage
California firefighting costs grow but funding OK so far as Schwarzenegger's one-day government shutdown ends and fire fighters go back to work.
written by Bureau, 18 August 2009
"55, 56, 57...."
Captured Pakistani Taliban admits leader is dead. "He had a horrible look to him in death, but then smiled. I guess he was already seeing the 72 virgins."
written by Bureau, 18 August 2009
Two Month Ordeal Over
Great America's Invertigo stranded riders two months before last week's dramatic rescue authorities say, some of them having to be fed and go to the bathroom while hanging upside down.
written by Bureau, 18 August 2009
Kabul Kaboom
Report: No UN Afghanistan staff members killed in latest Kaboom bomb attack.
written by Bureau, 18 August 2009
Now Studying Listerine
Life's building block has been found in Comet. Scientists amazed that if was there in common everyday house cleaner all along.
written by Bureau, 18 August 2009
Strep Throat Killed Mozart
Strep throat may have killed Mozart according to new study. Johannes Brahms from sleeping sickness after composing "Lullaby"
written by Bureau, 18 August 2009
House Grime Bill Introduced
A 3712 page House Grime bill, backed by the environmental lobby, places the Amoeba on the ESL. Americans cannot use water to shower, flush toilets or shave. Nobody has read this bill either.
written by Philbert of Macadamia, 18 August 2009
Governor Dean Screams
Former Governor Dean is again screaming, but this time for "a Pubic Option, no I meant a Public House, no I meant a Public Toilet, no I meant a__! Hell, what do I know, as I blew the presidency?"
written by Philbert of Macadamia, 18 August 2009
The Mandate that Wasn't There
Remember the mandated senior end-of-life counseling that the Democratic far left liberal loons said "wasn't in health care reform." The sane blue dog Democrats have gotten it removed!
written by Philbert of Macadamia, 18 August 2009
Unsound Logic
The number of murders committed by people with guns in Chicago, Detroit and Baltimore is very high. Tell me again why the Democratic far left liberal loons want to ban guns in Beavertail Rhode Island?
written by Philbert of Macadamia, 18 August 2009
Rubber Room Reimbursement
A study shows far left wing liberal loons cannot be reeducated. The health care reform legislation won't pay for a Frontal Lobotomy, but long term rubber room charges are allowable via Medicare!
written by Philbert of Macadamia, 18 August 2009
Pacific Hurricane Reported
Political depression Pelosi has strengthened to become the first Pacific hurricane of the season and is expected to devastate San Francisco. This storm's maximum sustained hot air never ceases.
written by Philbert of Macadamia, 18 August 2009
Brit's First Chemical Landmark
After Scotch Tape had been designated a few years ago as first US national historic chemical landmark, Britain now has their first, Amy Winehouse.
written by Bureau, 18 August 2009
India, Pakistan Finally Agree
Indian Bollywood star Shah Rukh Khan claims he was held at airport in US because he was a Muslim. India, Pakistan call for NYC cab strike!
written by Bureau, 18 August 2009
