Wisecracks Not Appreciated
Those calling the public about sperm donations at sperm bank in Milwaukee say that, if they hear, 'I gave at the office' one more time they will go to that person's house & beat the sperm out of them.
written by Bureau, 17 August 2009
Two Glasses Of Wine
Physicians say a couple of glasses of red wine a day good for you. "Most will live to a ripe old vintage."
written by Bureau, 17 August 2009
CB's Gone Goofy
Police were astounded this morning when someone slowed down a video of last year's Macy's Parade and someone who looks like an old C B Cooper was throwing kisses from the Goofy Blimp.
written by Bureau, 17 August 2009
Another Breakthrough
Scientists today announced that they have discovered that one's own stem cells can cure hams.
written by Bureau, 17 August 2009
Thanks Gramps
Ever since a new $5 bill, with a much larger, easy to read five on it, kids have gotten that for a birthday. Except the smart ones. They slip a hundred out of gramp's billfold & make a big 5 on it.
written by Bureau, 17 August 2009
Still No Gays In Iran
Mahmoud Ahmadinejad may be invited back to the UN for a speech. The last time here, he stated there were no gays in Iran. Most people who have visited Tehran & seen it's decor, say he might be right.
written by Bureau, 17 August 2009
Beer drinking binging females have stronger bones!
Spanish scientists discovered that boozing females don't have brittle bones, perfect when falling over when pissed out of their minds!
written by unknown
Famous Amos Eats The Big One
Famous Amos Cookies may be the next one on the list of US bankruptcies. "We're just about out of dough", stated a spokesman yesterday.
written by Bureau, 17 August 2009
Knock! Knock! "Twitter Tweets?"
United States Law Enforcement Officers warn general population not to get tired and angry at all the "Twitter Tweet" jokes this Halloween. "Kid just could have speech impediment."
written by Bureau, 17 August 2009
Rather Have Squirrel
World Renowned Nutritionist says learning to roast and eat rats could be the answer to world hunger. Osama Bin Laden: "Tell me about it!"
written by Bureau, 17 August 2009
Julia Child Master Spy
Newly released book shows that Julia Child was a master spy for US during World War II. Even used false "Mr. Moose on Captain Kangaroo" voice to deceive enemies.
written by Bureau, 17 August 2009
Tiger Farting Around Again!
Tiger Woods keeps farting around until Y. E. Yang wins PGA Tournament!
written by Bureau, 17 August 2009
So That's What That Was
New French study say whores there are losing their strong perfume smell due to factory pollution.
written by Bureau, 17 August 2009
Teachers In Control
Schools in Texas to allow everyone to have a gun but only teachers are allowed grenades.
written by Bureau, 17 August 2009
Discovered At Last
Illegal aliens captured in Nagales, Arizona claim they are from Alpha Centauri. Here to benefit US by picking fruit.
written by Bureau, 17 August 2009
Americans Getting Older
Advanced 2010 US Census group say that Americans are getting older on average. Number one problem in US today: "Dang kids on the lawn!"
written by Bureau, 17 August 2009
Can't Sit Still For Long
Leaders in Russia say newly organized splinter group a major pain in the ass.
written by Bureau, 17 August 2009
Falling For Scare Tactics
President Obama warns Americans not to fall victim to scare tactics like death lists, lesser service for older people, twin towers being knocked down.
written by Bureau, 17 August 2009
Escort Service Guilty
Escort service accused of illegal back-dating of many old farts and fannies on their client lists.
written by Bureau, 17 August 2009
Olympic Judges Angry
Olympic officials angered as Michael Phelps drug test OK but DNA turns up five percent dolphin.
written by Bureau, 17 August 2009
Bush Was Misunderstood
Former president Bush states that he did not say that he was looking into Putin's soul a few years back, but sole, as they were having fish meal together. "He has no soul to look into."
written by Bureau, 17 August 2009
Cheney's New Book
According to new book by Cheney, Russia having ships off US coast, UN running war games near Russia has tickled him till he almost had another heart attack.
written by Bureau, 17 August 2009
Rough Out Here
In newly released video, Osama Bin Laden says he's looking for a new driver. Must have moon buggy license.
written by Bureau, 17 August 2009
Minnesota Politics
Sasquatch being interviewed on Minnesota TV, who plans to run for the Senate, admits he's no comedian, wrestler.
written by Bureau, 17 August 2009
Obama To Vacation
Obama says he's finally ready for a vacation. Where's he going? "Anywhere she ain't" pointing to Michelle's mother.
written by Bureau, 17 August 2009
Killers Coming
NASA: Not enough money to track Killer Asteroids! Assa: Not enough money to tackle Killer Hemorrhoids either.
written by Bureau, 17 August 2009
The Three B's
Britain set to bask in 29C temperatures so it's time to break out the barbecue, beach gear, binoculars.
written by Bureau, 17 August 2009
51 To 49%
More senior girls passing pregnancy tests tests these days than finals, say instructors.
written by Bureau, 17 August 2009
Headless Lady Mystery
Mystery of headless woman found 35 years ago could be solved after CSI experts test drinking water in body to trace final movements. "Finally getting ahead on this case", say officers.
written by Bureau, 17 August 2009
Faked It All
Back-from-the-dead canoe fraudster's night of passion with wife before faking own death. "Never shot my wad there either", says insurance collector.
written by Bureau, 17 August 2009
Swine Flu Resistant
Government 'ignored warning swine flu may become resistant to Tamiflu, horseshoe hung over door, rabbits foot, copper bracelets, special oinkments.'
written by Bureau, 17 August 2009
"Do We Hear Thirteen?"
Woman 'pregnant with record-breaking TWELVE babies' after having IVF hoping for 11 boys as she loves American football.
written by Bureau, 17 August 2009
Self Heating Pie Claim Ridiculed
Scorn poured on nuclear physicist's self-heating pie claims. Transpires that the foil tray is too insubstantial to support nuclear fusion.
written by Skoob1999, 17 August 2009
Lionel Richie Hit With Baseball Bat
Irate resident returned home to find Motown star dancing on his ceiling. Took a bat to him. Nobody hurt all that badly.
written by Skoob1999, 17 August 2009
Missing Bob Marley Papers Suggest Guilt
Personal papers retrieved from the estate of the late Bob Marley reveal an admission that he shot the Sheriff, but denied any involvement in the shooting of the deputy.
written by Skoob1999, 17 August 2009
Vote Him Out!
Local east Kentucky congressman criticized after marrying a 15-year-old. Apparently, she wasn't even his first cousin.
written by Bureau, 17 August 2009
Obama Sounding Desperate
President Obama beginning to sound desperate on the national healthcare bill. Yesterday he stated, "If we don't pass this bill, the terrorists will have won."
written by Bureau, 17 August 2009
Dog To Leave Millions To Vet
Word out of New York is that Leona Helmsley's dog, which she left $million when she died, has made his will out to the vet who refused to neuter him.
written by Bureau, 17 August 2009
Cops Chasing Speeding Drunk
Police in Los Angeles finally stopped a motroist last night who was drunk, speeding & racial ranting when they caught him. They have charged him with 4 counts including impersonating Mel Gibson.
written by Bureau, 17 August 2009
Bib Laden's Beard Mystery.
News people have finally discovered why Osama Bin Laden's beard sometimes looks black and sometimes looks gray in Videos. Apparently it' according to the number of fleas he's carrying in there.
written by Bureau, 17 August 2009
Secret Service Misplaces Obama.
The Secret Service had a little scare yesterday. For a couple of hours they could not find President Obama. Also, they wouldn't credit the news that he was seen fly-fishing.
written by Bureau, 17 August 2009
Edwards Baby Alright
The mistress of John Edwards told reporters that skew knew her baby son was that of the Senator because as soon as it was born he tried to straighten his doctor's hair.
written by Bureau, 17 August 2009
Obama In Guinness Book Of Records
President Obama was has entered the Guinness Book of World Records after becoming the first black to go fly-fishing.
written by Bureau, 17 August 2009
Woods Blows Another one
Tiger Woods blows fart at Buick Open, Blows lead in PGA Championship!
written by Bureau, 17 August 2009
600 UFO Visits
Close encounters... UFOs made 600 visits to the UK in a single year, according to MoD 'X-Files' Government says they never have the correct visitor's papers filled out properly.
written by Bureau, 17 August 2009
Afghans Learn Lessons
Afghan husbands allowed to starve their wives if she refuses sex under new law, but cancel after hungry wives bite & eat first meat offered.
written by Bureau, 17 August 2009
New Drug-Driving Launched
Drug-driving campaign is launched. Hundreds of drivers on big tracks get shots, try to find way to cars as starting gun goes off. Three finish first, second and third as third runs across finish line.
written by Bureau, 17 August 2009
Two Jailed Over Fire
Australia blames two week fire on drunks that placed a road flare up a wallaby's ass.
written by Bureau, 17 August 2009
Chinese Storm Plant
China villagers storm lead plant. Kill lead monster, Doctor Flankenchangchang.
written by Bureau, 17 August 2009
Woodstock Lives On?
Forty years later, what part of Woodstock lives on? Well, there's that little bird in the Peanuts cartoons.
Then there's a couple hundred who got so messed up they think they're still there.
written by Bureau, 17 August 2009
Yang Yanks Yank
After beating Woods, life about to change for Yang. "Studied his fart strategy for two weeks", says PGA winner.
written by Bureau, 17 August 2009
Air Controller Agree To Contract
US air traffic controllers agree on new contract as new Starbucks open at all airports near their control towers.
written by Bureau, 17 August 2009
Star Downplays Incident
Bollywood star downplays incident at US airport. Says he will only sue for million or two, pocket change.
written by Bureau, 17 August 2009
NYC Schools Prepared For Swine Flu
NYC schools prepare for 2nd outbreak of swine flu. Special isolation pens were built out back all during the summer months.
written by Bureau, 17 August 2009
May Be Spreading
A grease fire in a McDonalds Restauran in Cleveland rages into it's second week.
written by Bureau, 17 August 2009
Discovered Fire, Water Protection
Ancient toolmakers discovered fire treatment. Keep bucket of water close in case they needed to put out person on fire.
written by Bureau, 17 August 2009
NKorea Resumes Tous, Reunions
North Korea agrees to resume tours, family reunions. Cheap rates for that family get-together before the summer's over.
written by Bureau, 17 August 2009
Obama Opens Talks About Wars
President Obama to come out in the open and hold talks about conflicts in Iraq, Afghanistan, mother-in-law at White House.
written by Bureau, 17 August 2009
Oil Jitters Back
Oil hits lowest this month on recovery jitters. Oil addiction would have been lowered with national healthcare plan passage says President.
written by Bureau, 17 August 2009
Cow Threat Removed
Officials: Rail strike averted, 'trains will run' as cows are being herded off the tracks where they were tied.
written by Bureau, 17 August 2009
Sometimes You Can't Win
Evacuation lifted from town threatened by fire, Now they're threatened by chemicals that put the fire out.
written by Bureau, 17 August 2009
Kiss Releases New Record
Kiss to release new album at Wal-Mart, Sam's Club, national flea markets, street vendors in New York, family picnics.
written by Bureau, 17 August 2009
New Cheesecake Record
1,224-pound cupcake sets record as world's largest. Finished off in half an hour by US family of six.
written by Bureau, 17 August 2009
Obama Backs Away
Obama backs away from public health insurance plan and gets stuck in the ass by national debt problem.
written by Bureau, 17 August 2009
North Korean Threat
A NK high placed official military souse said "should the U.S. imperialists and their South Korean lackeys threaten NK with nukes the people's army retaliation will be to puke on them."
written by Philbert of Macadamia, 17 August 2009
Gridlock is Good for America
Americans need to work towards restoring a political balance in the Congress via the 2010 elections. Gridlock is good, should be scrawled everywhere to remind us that one party rule is Un-American!
written by Philbert of Macadamia, 17 August 2009
Lack of Political Couth
Posing this question to your congressman will demonstrate a lack of political couth. "Were you born an idiot, took idiot pills, went to idiot's school or did you read "How to be an Idiot for Dummies?"
written by Philbert of Macadamia, 17 August 2009
Speaker Pelosi Gets a New Title
Pelosi is sick of being called a far left wing loon! American taxpayers agree and will refer to her as a far left wing leech, sucking the life out of our grandchildren's future to pay for "pork."
written by Philbert of Macadamia, 17 August 2009
