Brain Cancer Linked to Stupidity

Funny story written by Cohedros

Monday, 12 December 2005

The University of California made a not-quite-startling claim today as it released the results of a new study, called "A.S.T.U.P.I.D," or " Are STUpid People Inordinately Detracting?" For at least twelve years, the University has been kidnapping the village idiots from towns all across the United States, and using these stupid people in their experiments. They've also admitted to swiping "closet geniuses," the extremely intelligent beings also known as "Geeks." These "Geeks" were then subjected to four thousand straight hours of stupid people having pointless conversations. The result? Cancerous tumors which were found inside 97% of Geeks involved. However, due to pressure buildup inside their skulls, more than 95% of the geeks died of subcutaneous cranial hemorrhages.
All involved in these despicably pointless experiments have pleaded guilty to First Degree Stupidity, which carries no criminal charge, but life-long shame and ridicule.
"Psychologists would say stupidity is the complete separation from knowing there is anything. Also, it usually functions as a complete lack of common sense and an extremely high sense of moronicism," said Colin Camerer, an economist at the California Institute of Technology and the primary researcher in the study.
The brain scans revealed that exposure to stupid or pointless conversations were often accompanied by activation of the amygdala and orbitofrontal cortex (OFC), two areas of the brain that are involved in the processing of thought. In particular, the amygdala has been found to be closely associated with common sense as well as caution. Apparently, stupid conversations trigger the release of an enzyme known as I-D10-T. This enzyme rots away the brain, slowly but surely. After I-D10-T penetrates the surface of the brain, its chemical makeup alters slightly, in a process which isn't well understood. However, what is known is that Super I-D10-T (the altered enzyme) is extremely carcinogenic and causes almost instant cancers.
A correlation between aversion to stupid discussion and activation of intelligent parts of the brain makes no sense from an evolutionary point of view, Camerer said. "Freezing in the face of stupidity is an old, emotional response which seems to show no evolutionarily adaptive point in our ancestral past. This has led me to the conclusion that stupid people are not Homo sapien, but should be classified as Homo Inferiorus."
This is yet another example of science's slow realization of a well-known fact.

The funny story above is a satire or parody. It is entirely fictitious.

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