British Rail to introduce Contingency Catering

Funny story written by Whitters

Monday, 18 July 2011

image for British Rail to introduce Contingency Catering
Readers are reminded not to try eating Thomas or his friends

Following the recent surge in disruptive events and the number of trains held outside stations, a leading rail manufacturer has announced that it is developing a new range of emergency catering arrangements.

The announcement from the press office at the British Rail Association of Intellectual Nuances, as followed by a single reporter from a local newspaper in rural France; says that the company have found a solution to the non-problem of passengers being stuck on the train:

"We at BRAIN have found that passengers are less likely to accept being sat at a red signal on between railway stations. This is because the passengers cram too much into their day, which leads to extra demands on train operators to run trains as early as possible to make it look like the railway is running smoothly."

Their solution is to have created a replacement for the common glass double glazed windows found on modern train units which when the driver removes the electronic shielding becomes a filling but calorie free treat to keep its customers appeased. The train will then have to be taken out of service at a suitable location so the windows can be replaced, disrupting the journies of those that have yet to set off; but that does not matter as technically they are still on a platform.

The problem was highlighted by an incident that recently took place in the London suburb of Woking. Trains were stopped after an idiot decided to try to steal cable and this cut the power to many train services. During the brief stoppage a pregnant woman with a craving for death defying action decided to leave the train while power was being restored and walk along the track risking electrocution and the death of her unborn baby. Scientists has summised that she might have actually just got the munchies and a craving for Beef Tartare and decided to leave the train to head to the station buffet 2 miles down the line.

It is hoped that the scientists at BRAIN can develop a prototype ready for testing later this year. Due to the development process and a secret railway test track just outside Derby, we might all be using teleporters before it is approved for use.

The funny story above is a satire or parody. It is entirely fictitious.

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