So reads the transcript of the military tribunal investigating Salim Abu Zayabada of Saudi Arabia on charges of attempted terrorism within U.S. borders. Apparently Zayabada's plot was thwarted by the mouth-watering richness he encountered at the Snak Hut in Terminal C of Chicago's O'Hare Airport.
"Marshmallow-flavored lardballs fried to a golden crispiness, dotted with sugar-coated teflon beads, and filled with creamed bacon! I did not think such a wonderful experience was possible in the earthly realm. It is the pleasure of 70 virgins in my tummy."
Zayabada has been giving evidence to the American military in exchange for an unlimited selection of Conglomerated Dough snacks. He has gained forty pounds since his incarceration. "They say the munchable feather-light quality is out-of-this-world. And I say, Count me among the converted, I'm a believer!"
The tribunal's presiding judge, Brigadier General Thornton Strickland, concludes, "Though the culture of our death-loving enemy is far different than our own, we can at least agree on the indescribable scrumptiousness of Yummy Dumpty's, Cholesterolios, Letter Go Edible Pencils, Fruit Boots, Lipidkinz, and Granny Gaga's Stretchmark Ice Cream, now in bubblegum cajun mocha!"
