Ozone hole heading towards moon, say scientists

Funny story written by Thinctanc

Sunday, 7 March 2010

image for Ozone hole heading towards moon, say scientists
"We need this like a hole in the head," says bearded scientist.

According to newly fudged data released by scientists today, the Ozone hole, traditionally said to be over Antarctica, has now broken free from Earth's stratosphere and is drifting towards the moon.

Though the news was greeted with cheers by most of the world's population, not everyone is celebrating news of the departure.

Richard Branson, the wacky British scientist who invented pickling and discovered beards, is worried about the effect on space tourism should the ozone hole settle over the moon. "This could be a disaster for lunar holidays. We've started building the hotels and have even ordered the sun-beds, so there's no going back now. Imagine you're trying to relax and sunbathe by the Sea of Tranquility, but everyone around you is worrying about skin cancer from the ozone hole, the atmosphere would be unbearable."

Some experts have suggested there might be enough space between the Earth and the moon to enable the hole to be split into smaller holes by a huge nuclear explosion once it was exactly halfway.

Asked if the US government might use their missile satellites to perform the task, President Obama responded that the apparatus was no longer in space. "All our old 'Star Wars' technology is up in the loft," he said. "We still have it all in its original boxes and you should see how much it goes for on eBay. We might clear the national debt."

Upon hearing of America's reluctance to start firing nuclear weapons into Space, Iranian President, Mahmoud Ahmadinejad, said, "I am sure Israel have enough spare to do the job. Within a couple of months we might be able to lend a hand, too."

But the RSPB in Britain have appealed to the United Nations to block any such plans. A spokesperson, Robin Vines, told us, "Although everyone is glad to see the back of the Ozone hole, we have recently become aware that a large number of endangered puffins have built a substantial colony around the edge of the hole. If it was sparrows or thrushes then we wouldn't mind so much, thrushes are quite happy migrating back and forth to Mars and sparrows already have their own moonbase, but puffins have no experience in space travel at all."

In a desperate effort to create an atmosphere around the wandering hole, the RSPB have even called in help from Russ Abbott. "We've been really touched by all the help that people have been offering for free," said Vines, "Ever since we announced plans to fire Russ into space, people have put in a huge effort to try and make it happen."

The funny story above is a satire or parody. It is entirely fictitious.

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