Written by beabo

Monday, 6 September 2004

image for Liberal Democrats at Risk for Anxiety

From the Journal of Studies in Applied Anxiety:
The Rise of Anxiety Disorders in Liberal Democrats in the post-Clinton Years
by Shalom W. Shrubb, MD

In a recent rethinking of the relationship between anxiety disorders and genetic influences, ongoing studies have indicated that liberal and leftist non-christian individuals are at a significant risk of developing anxiety and anxiety related disorders.

Scientific investigations at the famed Halliburton Center for American Living have demonstrated that, in random samplings of the American population at large, democrats and liberal thinkers have developed anxiety disoders at a rate of 100 to 1 when compared to their fellows who remain staunch republicans. Indeed, more recent findings indicate that staunch republicans only develop anxiety disorders when in close proximity to liberal thinking democrats who value "knowledge" over "beliefs".

In relating these findings to more advanced systems of psychiatric thought, it is now believed that liberal democrats have fixated on G.W. Bush as the bad "father figure" from their past instead of the more realistic view of the staunch republicans who see Bush as an entity placed in position by God himself. Locked into their infantile state of rage and rejection of all authority figures, liberal democrats project that rage at a compassionate and wholesome government thereby compounding their state of anxiety as the dichotomy between reality and fantasy intertwines.

With the separation between liberals and God complete, anxiety levels become profound. Of those liberal democrats studied, few had read and taken seriously the "Left Behind" book series and fewer still were able to identify which heads of state were actually Satan in disguise. This lack of comprehension is both startling and alarming. Indeed, physicians involved in the above studies questioned the ability of liberal democrats to vote in a meaningful and impartial manner given their skewed vision of the universe and America's place therein.

A new diagnostic category has been added to the psychiatric journals as thousands of liberal democrats report symptoms including the feeling that their past activitivies have been falsified and used in such a way as to slander their achievements. Physicians have termed this "swift boat syndrome".

While experimental at this point, the most promising treatment protocols have emerged from the treatment facility in Cuba where high doses of thorazine, isolation, and vigorous counseling hold the best hope for a cure.

The story above is a satire or parody. It is entirely fictitious.

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