Scientists recently stunned the world by saying that they had discovered the world's first vegetarian spider.
"Not so," claim his friends. Spiders the world over have contacted reporters to say that the story is not all that it seems. They argue: "Vinnie, the so-called vegetarian spider, may not have given up meat for the rest of his life. He's not a vegetarian forever, he's just temporarily 'off' meat. His missus was recently infected with E. coli bacteria from dining on leftover bits of a fast food burger. Also, he's read articles about what goes into meat -- fillers, as well as animal parts that he'd rather not think about. Yuck!"
Meanwhile, the Spiders Are Cool Society (SACS), a group of humans who claim to love spiders, has announced an initiative to develop a positive image of spiders. The society has employed an elite PR firm to work on the campaign. According to a spokesperson, "Songs like the 'Itsy Bitsy Spider' have given them a bad name, portraying them as weaklings. They don't want to be perceived that way, especially by two-legged creatures. After all, they have eight legs, six more than we do."
The spokesperson also denied that the Pope had been seen swatting a spider recently. "Not so," the SACS spokesperson insisted. "That was a special blessing, not a swat."
At a SACS press conference, the head of the society announced, "It's simply a matter of perception. After all, remember Mark Twain's statement that 'Cauliflower is nothing but cabbage with a college education.'" Then he let out a loud screech and ran from the stage, after spotting a large spider crawling on his shirt collar. Finito to the press conference. Go figure.
