New species of lizard found in India

Funny story written by matwil

Thursday, 30 July 2009

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Scientists have discovered a new species of lizard in the Western Mhinsta mountain range in the Indian state of Pahliamanta. The large reptile is related to the slug, and was found by taxavoidantist Vari Sleasi, and has been named Pmpooraspis.

This is the third new species of lizard found in the area, as others have included the alidarlingsust satirtargetis, and the camikazi camerontory disastrus. All three species have similarities, as all have no means of providing for themselves, so steal food from the many species of local taxopayeri, and all make strange unintelligible sheep-like noises when found in groups around Western Mhinsta.

'The mating habits of these lizards is very unusual', Mr. Sleasi said, 'often the males refuse to mate with the females, but put on a big show of doing so when other lizards such as the bbcreportiae parasitici appear. This is especially true of the Pmpooraspis ones. And their diet is also unusual.'

'Unlike most reptiles, these lizards live off stolen eight-course meals of grubs and worms, all washed down with river water that tastes amazingly like champagne and whisky. It's not surprising that these animals have never been discovered before, as they spend most of their lives eating, drinking and sleeping, plus they have the uncanny ability to become invisible for most of the year.'

Some scientists are surprised that such slug-like lizards should still exist in the 21st century, and especially in Western Minsta, others are suggesting that a cull of all three newly-discovered species would be wise. But Professor Daveaclone Dimblebore of Oxbridge University said:

'If you got rid of these lizards, what else would we have to talk about all the time? When I say 'we', I of course mean myself and my family, and the editors of Fleet Street and the BBC News. The other 60 million people in the UK already have their own lives, and would gladly like to see not only these three but all 646 species of lizards machine-gunned to death or sent to the Moon.'

This is unlikely to happen, though, as lizards generally have evolved into highly adaptable parasites, sucking much blood from the taxopayeri, and, of course, many holidays and eight-course meals from them.

So it is expected that many more new species of lizards will appear fairly soon, ones that have the markings of the cross of a saint in their skins, ones that migrate to Europe to live off gravy, and even ones that that live off people's prejudices and never stop making noises, which scientists may call barackium insinceriae.

Ken Livingstone denied having already turned into a lizard.

The funny story above is a satire or parody. It is entirely fictitious.

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