Meat to be pulled out of colon

Funny story written by Dr Edward Maxwell

Wednesday, 19 March 2008

image for Meat to be pulled out of colon
Dr. Johnson's first test on this volunteer was unsuccessful, after which he decided to reduce the device's power

Two men have invented a way to enhance human health and profit while doing so.

"The average meat-eating human being has up to five pounds of undigested red meat in his or her intestinal tract by the age of 40," said Dr. Fred Johnson, a proctologist. "It's not good for one's health and can cause colon cancer."

Dr. Johnson contacted Hugh Thompson, a research scientist, of note, and together the two men came up with a way to remove the intestinal material. They built a device called the Mechanically Recovered Meat Extractor, or MRME for short, that allows for the removal of the undigested red meat using a long and flexible robotic arm that is capable of quickly snaking its way through the human intestinal tract.

"It's really quite fast," Thompson explained. "At top speed it can move at three feet per minute, provided there is no major blockage or potentially explosive pockets of gas or diarrhoea along the way."

As the MRME travels through the intestinal tract, special sensors near the front of the device identify bits of undigested red meat, which a small robotic hand on the unit then grabs. The device is capable of grabbing and storing 1200 bits per minute, or 1200 red meat baud in technical terms, and can hold one pound of meat per insertion.

The undigested red meat may then be processed into sticks of pepperoni for use on pizzas, or sold to US fast food giant Taco Bell.

The funny story above is a satire or parody. It is entirely fictitious.

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