Scientists Now Believe Several U.S. Presidents May Have Been White

Funny story written by ZiaUl-Hack

Thursday, 29 April 2004

(Bethesda) A group of government scientists, employing new technologies in the field of DNA analysis, have reached the surprising conclusion that at least four and perhaps as many as eight past U.S. Presidents may in fact have been "white guys."

Geneticist and cytology expert Dr. Randall Eigert says that detailed study of DNA samples obtained from effects and possessions of former presidents has shown that Andrew Johnson, Calvin Coolidge, John Tyler and Dwight David Eisenhower "were more likely than not to have been of Caucasian origin."

Eigert further indicated that he had found at least preliminarily that James K. Polk, Woodrow Wilson, Grover Cleveland and Martin Van Buren "also probably had at least a sweep of the old whitewash."

Confirmation of the White origins of at least some of our former Chief Executives has already caused some historians to begin reexamining the accomplishments of these presidents.

Leftist historian Howard Zinn said that the new findings "shed important light on the motivations of John Tyler in his extended fight with Henry Clay over a centralized U.S. Bank." Zinn, however, said that final determination of the issue had to await "further scientific evidence" as to whether Clay himself may have in fact had some White blood.

A White House source has gone so far as to suggest that Vice-President Dick Cheney may himself harbor "more than a token strain of Honkitude." However, at least at the present time, no independent confirmation of this alleged state of affairs is available.

The funny story above is a satire or parody. It is entirely fictitious.

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