Hearts and minds battle plan revealed

Funny story written by Ross Douglas

Tuesday, 27 April 2004

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Bombs away?

The US government today announced a new initiative today to win the battle for hearts and minds in Iraq.

The administration said that in order to win the peace in Iraq as convincingly as they won the war they were willing to try almost anything to stop flag draped coffin pictures being released by the press.

In a bold move the US government said it would be trying the age old, tried and tested Roman method of panem et circenses (bread and circuses) and will, in the next week, begin airdropping not only the best bread $'s can buy (donated by Wal-mart) but also Clowns, jugglers, trapeze artistes and elephants onto Iraqi territory.

When a reporter from The Spoof asked what the logistics were like to get an elephant in a parachute General "Spanky" Spangler said "Who mentioned parachutes?"

When questioned more by the Spoof reporter, as to whether it was wise to start dropping two-ton animals from a great height onto unsuspecting people, the General said "Who cares a shit about them towel heads? I was told was to get the cost down so we can keep the camel jockeys in the stone age for a few more centuries and elephants are cheaper then carpet bombs."

When asked if the trapeze artistes, jugglers and clowns would be given parachutes the General replied "Nope. The commander in chief has nightmares that clowns are coming to get him while he sleeps in his Barney the dinosaur bed at night."

After pausing to take a drink of water the General continued by stating "and lets face it, don't we all wanna see what kind of mess a clown makes when it hits the ground at 125mph? I personally can't wait to see one of the elephants hitting a mosque. Those Sand shoveling shitheads are gonna think the end of the world is coming."

The funny story above is a satire or parody. It is entirely fictitious.

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