(Stanford CA) Scientists at the Primate Research Center announced discovery of a new ape-like animal. The animals were discovered only 10 miles from the Center, living in a colony by the Pacific. Dr. Jesus DiShiva discovered the creatures and gave a short statement to reporters:
"They are unusually ugly primates. They are hairless and bipedal. The creatures are simple minded, spending their days feeding, farting and fornicating. The animals foul their own nests; the smell was revolting! Also the animals are violent, most seem psychotic by our standards. These are not creatures you turn your back on."
Primatologist Venus Demilo then gave information about their language abilities to the press: "The beasts try to communicate by making grunting, whistling and hissing noises when they exhale. It seems to be a crude attempt at language. This so-called language is often used before copulation or attacking another. They are violent and disgusting creatures on so many levels."
Further research from the Center seems to suggest the animals have multiplied to 6.5 billion. Scientists will later suggest standard containment practices to control the pests.
