Thin people want fat surgery, too

Written by Frank Cotolo

Tuesday, 6 February 2007

image for Thin people want fat surgery, too
Fat people can be found in most places

NORBIT, Ohio -- A new study that delves into the popularity of stomach surgery reveals that overweight people are among the highest number of obese adults operated upon.

For decades, weight-loss surgery was available but, according to Dr. Bentmyer Establishment, "now that it is, obese people seek it more than anyone else."

Improvements in the surgical technique, some doctors feel, could help make the operation available to others.

"It would be a quicker operation if the patient was not obese," said Dr. E.L. Misscook of Fleshington University. "But if people with less to no fat really want it, we will do it if we can."

A group of hospitals, led by the Ornary Quickmend Hospital Medical Center (OQHMC), are prepared to offer discounts to people with less fat who may want the operation. "We can give the gastric bypass and staple a pouch off from the rest of the stomach and connect it to the small intestine even if the patient has a thirty-three-inch waist. Nothing stops us from that."

The FDA hesitated to approve the operation for thin people but surgeons at OQHMC are sure it won't be long before the FDA loosens its grip on any health issues and condones the operation for anyone who wants it, if only for the sake of the country's economy.

Ferny Miraglia, of Cornwall, N.Y., said she is ready for the operation any time, even though she weighs in at 143 pounds soaking wet. "I just want to get in on it, you know?" she said. "All my friends want to do it."

Thin people will only be considered candidates for surgery, Dr. Misscook said, after they have signed a release freeing the surgeons of any suits due to complications. "Anything can go wrong," said Misscook, "and if anything does, the doctor should be exonerated."

"Not so," said Peter Mongolia, an obese person who feels that the surgery should remain only for obese people. "If something goes wrong with anyone under a surgeon's care, the surgeon should be responsible."

Dr. Paul Pesticide disagreed and said, "Who is this Mongolia guy to nail every surgeon with the responsibility of an operation? He is just a fat pig as far as I am concerned."

The U.S. Agency for Health, Hygiene and Quality released the study that said nine of weight-loss surgery patients were obese, siting that the one thin person out of ten, usually dies. "The mortality rates among gastric bypass patients who are under 100 pounds is nothing to get upset about," said Misscook. "After all, the surgeons get paid anyway."

Other side effects, even with obese people, have been monitored since the operations began. Of all the patients who participated in the surgery, afterwards some needed a nostril adjustment; some developed poor eyesight; some became homosexual; some suffered mild discomfort while eating corndogs; some were unable to control vacuum cleaners; some vomited at the sight of Chevrolets; some fell out of love with their spouses; some joined the circus; some developed an unhealthy love for air hockey; some could not count their pocket change; some believed in men from Mars; some thought Ben Casey was a salve; some lost armpit hair; some lost fingernails; some could not tell time again; some could only use the Metric System; and some refused to go by any other name but Oliver.

A spokesperson for the FDA said, "We have other things to do now, so I cannot speak on this subject."

The story above is a satire or parody. It is entirely fictitious.

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