Thanks Kellyanne! I'm back to being a shutterbug again!

Funny story written by Dr. Jackass and Mr. Hide

Monday, 13 March 2017


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image for Thanks Kellyanne! I'm back to being a shutterbug again!
I bought this spiffy little microwave right after Kellyanne Conway said it could be used as a camera.

I bought an inexpensive microwave at Bucky's Bucking Bronco Big Lots Extravaganza today. Way out there on the fringes of the city, that hideous store stands like a cinder-box outhouse on the busy thoroughfare.

I'm going to take pictures with my new appliance. Yes, that's it - I plan to do very little microwaving with it and instead, will be using my new microwave as a camera.

I went out and bought the thing right after I heard that Kellyanne Conway on TV say that Donald Trump's microwave was spying on him by taking pictures of our new Republican President.

"Hey, that means that I can take up the hobby of being a photo-taking fool again," I thought to myself. "And I can do it on a budget that even I can easily afford!" For most of my adult life, I was involved with a profession that required me to take pictures. For publication - yes, I was a print newsman at a number of outfits and at most, being second-lead photographer came with my writing and/or editing duties and obligations.

I heard Trump's girl, Conway, say this morning, "What I can say is there are many ways to surveil each other. You can surveil someone through their phones, certainly through their television sets - any number of ways."

Conway added that monitoring could be done with "microwaves that turn into cameras," adding: "We know this is a fact of modern life."

Well, I thought of running out right then and purchasing another 60-inch widescreen TV and using it to take photos. Then I realized how clumsy it would be, how heavy those things are, and their steep price - they start out at around a grand brand new. I could go out and buy a digital, Canon AE-1 right in its plastic in a box, along with a few choice lenses and sundry other accoutrements, at a lot less than that! What's more, I doubted, as I sat thinking about it all right then, that a used wide-screen TV at a second-hand store would have a camera built into it. This all sounds like it's a new phenomenon.

Then I remembered, during a stop last week, seeing a brand-new microwave on the shelf of a deep-discount, big-lot store being sold for a little more than forty bucks. This is a lot less than it would cost for a good cell phone that could take top-notch photos or a digital camera equipped with all the bells and whistles that would allow for colorful and compelling shots snapped by even a novice picture-taker that would be suitable for the inside art of some glossy mags.

I dropped everything and drove right over there to that bargain store and bought a nice, white, Microwave - a little bit bigger than the average toaster but a lot smaller than a small refrigerator (I won't mention the brand but I got it on sale of $25.99).

After I bought the microwave, I went to a local public park and took pictures of some ducks and geese swimming around on a lake. After I took the roll back to Wal*Mart and had them developed on their speedy-print option, they looked good. But at the park I had to unscrew a good three-dozen bolts on the back of the microwave, lift its cover, so as to find the button deep in its innards used to snap photos. I stuck my head in there and wallah, far in the back I found a little yellow button near a 24-frame, 35mm film roll. But it was black and white film, so I drove back home and replaced it with a 36-frame roll of the same film type, only this roll was color film. It's not the best grade of film but it was good in the day for print newspaper work, so that certainly passes the mustard for my own fancy of just being a picture-taking hobbyist now. Anyhow, I had an old roll back at the homestead. It was under the sink.

The microwave's only drawback turned out to be it's a lot heavier and more cumbersome than a cell phone or a digital camera. The new microwaves are much lighter than those old dinosaurs that were sold a decade-or-so ago, but still, it's hard to maneuver them around and get the perfect shot. Even though the ducks and geese were swimming slowly, they still moved and for me, trying to steady that big square box in front of me to zero in on that flock of swimming birds was very challenging. Even though they swam ever-so-slowly, I dropped the microwave twice as I tried to follow their route across the lake. My new appliance may not be able to heat soup or pop popcorn now, but at least it's still a great camera! And after being printed on glossy paper, the wood ducks on the pond - with their colorful plumage - showed a rainbow of dynamic colors and tints!

And guess what? Some guy who publishes a magazine that features women wearing bikinis and skimpy lingerie gave me a gig to take pictures of a busty 45-year-old blonde who goes by the name of 'Secret'. What a lucky hound dog I am!

"Be at Secret's place at 11 p.m. Thursday," this publisher ordered. "Secret gets off her shift at Hardy's Topless Diner then. She's not really the shy or skittish type, but I don't know how she'll take to having her pictures taken with a microwave. But hey, if they're good, I have plenty of work. I'll pay you ninety bucks if that microwave delivers on some good shots. I have a warning, though, Secret's a real bitch when she's tired, especially after she gets all those whistles, cat-calls, and lewd comments after a long ten hours at the diner."

Whew! Ninety bucks! I hit the jackpot! After I get paid, I'm going back to Bucky's Bucking Bronco Big Lots Extravaganza and I'm buying another microwave - the same make and model as the one I just bought. As a spare, of course, since every professional photographer needs a spare picture-taking device handy. And hey man, I'll have another thirty to throw down for fishing tackle at Bucky's, too.

The funny story above is a satire or parody. It is entirely fictitious.

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