California - Vegetarians and other non-flesh eaters are most likely to be shooting blanks these days according to a sanitary protection specialist pimping glow-in-the-dark tampons.
The manufacturers of RadiantPlugs periodwear said today that thousands of women had contacted the company in response to a survey about vegan sex and semen abstinence.
Respondents complained that despite using the novelty tampons to light up their fannies, their love lives remained increasingly dull with their menfolk remaining steadfastly incapable of stirring up the old gonad pot.
Especially if there was an arse in the month.
The survey also noted that men who used glow-in-the-dark condoms tended to eschew eating red meat, shellfish and fiery curries in case of repetitive strain syndrome attacking their scrotums.
A packet of regular pantyliners costs around five bucks.