Need a Human Being? Let a 3-D Printer Produce One for You!

Written by Colorado Joe

Friday, 20 March 2015

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Goshen, IN-Can't get a date for the prom or the homecoming dance? Need a temporary assistant to run your office while your dependable office assistant is on vacation? Ready to panic?

You may not need to panic. A local company which specializes in three-dimensional printing, SeeMeCNC® is about to introduce what it claims to be the world's first machine which can produce live human beings who will fulfil your needs.

John Olafson, vice-president of SeeMeCNC, states that its PHANES® printers can produce prom dates, administrative assistants, designated drivers, movie set extras, sales clerks, waiters, flight attendants, receptionists, teacher's aides, nuns, friars, sugar daddies, suburban residents, oil field workers, escort girls, ranch hands, teacher's assistants, teachers, registered nurses and mail-room personnel, to name a few of its three-dimensional people, according to its software programs. "You want someone, you can make them yourself-whenever you want them," he stated.

SeeMeCNC is also introducing a line of printers, the PYGMALION® series, which can produce human body parts, Olafson added. Strong arms and legs, Atlas-sized muscles, improved metabolism, eyes which are always 20/20, perfect hearing-those are a few of the products which are available through the PYGMALION printers. "If you're a 110-pound weakling and you want to tackle single-handedly the University of Alabama's offensive line on the gridiron, we've got the muscles which will turn it into mashed potatoes," bragged Olafson.

(It should be noted that the PYGMALION line was introduced in February. This reporter has yet to find any orders for body parts from weak people who were interested in tackling an offensive line-let alone ordering said body parts, getting them, going out for football and tackling a top-ranked football team's offensive line single-handedly. In other words, Olafson's claim has yet to be substantiated.)

"We guarantee that your kids will be acing the advanced placement level tests which are currently given to high school seniors-by the fifth grade," Olafson added in talking about one of his products-three-dimensional brains with superior intelligence. "They'll be the next Issac Newtons, Albert Einsteins and Stephen Hawkings. Who knows-with their intelligence, we'll be living on Mercury, Venus, the Moon, Mars, Jupiter, Ceres, Saturn, Uranus, Neptune and Pluto within five years of the time we can produce our brains. "They'll be travelling from planet to planet in about as much time as it currently takes to fly from New York to Houston nowadays. As for travel between New York and Houston-we'll have those cities reproduced with our 3-D printers by then. Travel between those places will take no time or effort."

The legal, social, ethical and other impacts of such printers have not been studied or debated in depth as of this writing. But a few sources with the FBI, Interpol and the CIA, who did not wish to be named, note the possibility of terrorists producing an army of neo-Nazis or neo-Stalinists with one three-dimensional printer which can produce an entire human being. "Get a couple of those machines cranked up," one official said, "We could have a wave of hate crime unprecedented in American history."

Officials in the amateur, high school, college and professional sports leagues fret that printers which produce body parts which can produce superior muscle tissue or mass might lead to nightmares worse than the ones encountered with steroids or doping, for example. and other dating services fret about going the way of Eastman Kodak or Western Union's telegraph services. Workers' unions are worried about having their members worried by companies who can replace the rank-and-file with cloned workers.

Not a problem, Olafson said. "We've read plenty of works by Arthur C. Clarke, Issac Asimov, H. G. Wells, Harry Turtledove, John Barnes and Ray Bradbury. We know that developing new technologies can lead to consequences. Therefore, we'll be glad to produce lots of experts and brains with our printers to solve them-hopefully."

The story above is a satire or parody. It is entirely fictitious.

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