Written by Frank Michaels

Thursday, 25 September 2014

image for The Long-Awaited Arrival of the iPill
iPill v2.1 - Behave Yourself

Cupofteanow, California (STT News) - With the recent and much-heralded arrival of the iPhone 6, there has also been a lot of speculation as to what lies ahead and, in that future, how far we will be melded into the digital frontier.

Apple spokesmachine, iPersonage v3.0.1, sat down with STT News to offer a brief look into what lies ahead...

"The human race is on a devolutionary track and as such, Apple feels obligated to do what it can to basically reroute the species into a more globally approved and acceptable direction."

When we asked for some examples of this, we were shown a laboratory where the biologic and the electronic are being merged to create a more perfect creature. But, before this can occur, there has to be some detours erected and the best way to accomplish this is by way of what could be called, 'preferred humanistic adjustments.'

Our iPersonage host went on to detail this first level of treatment.

iPill v2.1 - Behave Yourself
Ingested once per day, this tablet includes a small, semiorganic chip that blocks thought patterns that can lead to things like roadrage, anger at the cost of living, distrust of political agendas and any denial of the theory of global warming.

iPill v7.6.2 - Gunnot
Taken semi-yearly, this device causes grave illness to fall upon those who even casually glace at a firearm. This means that museums, battle re-enactments and war movies will lead to extreme sickness and should be avoided at every opportunity. And, any actual handling of a gun; toy or real, can lead to cardiac arrest, stroke, Ebola or Black Plague.
NOTE: Apple is working on an antidote for those taking this who then choose to join the armed forces or law enforcement where killing is a required, daily activity.

iCapsule v1.9.1 - Very Veggie
This annual intake will reduce, if not altogether eliminate, any and all desire to eat meat at most every level from fish to poultry to pork to beef. It is, however, designed to allow the host human the will to digest things like insects and especially, mealworms; a UN approved and fully preferred foodsource.

At this point, we had a number of questions but, unfortunately, our iPersonage v3.0.1 guide informed us that it had to report back to the lab immediately for an O/S replacement. At about the same time, lights began flickering... blinking off and on around us.

It seems there was a bug in that O/S that had these quasi-cyborganic creatures sticking their appendages into light sockets without the proper charging apparatus attached.

Next up: Raising the iToddler 1.0.

__/|\__

The story above is a satire or parody. It is entirely fictitious.

Do you dream of being a comedy news writer? Click here to be a writer!





Mailing List

Get Spoof News in your email inbox!

Go to top
39 readers are online right now!
Globey, The Spoof's mascot

We use cookies to give you the best experience, this includes cookies from third party websites and advertisers.

Continue ? Find out more