To save face, NASA is reporting that the Kepler telescope is broken. Hogwash!
The truth is quite different. And somewhat sad, at least for the space agency. You see, the telescope has declared himself emancipated from his NASA "parents" and has decided it's just time to pursue his own life. NASA officials are furious. One complained, "An outrage! Kepler is an ungrateful little turd!" Another official was a bit more literary, quoting Shakespeare: "How sharper than a serpent's tooth it is to have a thankless child!"
Kepler (or Kep, as he now likes to be called) has told friends, "I've slaved away for those NASA nincompoops for a very long time. Now I wanna have some fun." NASA has always insisted that he spend his days searching for another Earth. "Boring," according to Kepler, continuing, "Why should I look for another Earth when I haven't really experienced the one that we all know about?" In an interview with The National Enquirer, he's confided that he now has other searches in mind: For fun and luck at Las Vegas casinos, for delectable delights at the Playboy Mansion, and for the companionship of some of the hot babes hired for Berlusconi's Bunga Bunga parties. Also on his agenda are personal appearances (well compensated, of course) at movie theaters all over the planet for showings of Star Trek into Darkness.
Sources familiar with the Kepler phenomenon say a book deal (tentative book title: Nixing the Plans of NASA Nerds) is in the works for the enterprising telescope.
Kep -- you go, boy!
