Scientists Discover Chimps Suffer Mid-Life Crises Too

Funny story written by Simon Saunders

Tuesday, 20 November 2012

image for Scientists Discover Chimps Suffer Mid-Life Crises Too
Jimmy the chimp having a bit of a sit down

Following extensive research by a group of scientists it's been confirmed that chimpanzees are even more like humans than we thought.

Researchers studied the behaviour of around 500 captive chimps all over the world and found that their sense of well-being dropped during their middle years.

Zookeepers, researchers and caretakers who are familiar with the chimps were asked to record the moods of the cuddly near human creatures before the scientists studied the results and came to their conclusion.

Jimmy the chimp from Twycross Zoo, who was a part of the study, confirmed the scientists findings when we spoke to him.

He told us, "It's true. I'm getting on a bit now but when I was middle-aged and prior to living in captivity I had an overwhelming urge to buy an expensive sports car and start dating female chimps that were far too young for me. I even got a tattoo done, had my ears pierced and put blonde streaks in my hair. Looking back I must've looked ridiculous driving around in a Ferrari with the top down and a young dolly-chimp next to me."

Jimmy, now an old age chimp drawing his chimp pension, continued, "Now I'm older and wiser I'm quite content with my life. I realise that I should've counted my blessings back then. The missus stood by me when I had my stupid affair. Our kids didn't talk to me for a while but we've patched things up now so everything's rosey.'

In closing, the wise old chimp offered this piece of sage advice to any other chimps who feel down in the dumps during middle-age. "Don't be a chump, be a chimp champ and resist the temptations I succumbed to. Believe me, it's not worth the hassle."

Many of the other chimps claimed they suffered similar problems in their middle years. One claimed that the burden of his huge mortgage had forced him to cut down on the good things in life like banana's and old car tyres.

Another reckons he slipped into a depression after seeing his chimp peers doing better than him in their careers. He ended up quitting his job as a banker in the city and opened a retreat for other miserable middle-aged chimps in the Suffolk countryside.

These findings confirm that life can be hard in middle-age, not just for us puny humans but also for chimps.

The funny story above is a satire or parody. It is entirely fictitious.

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