Higgs Boson Found! It's About Time Says Sweeney Vet

Funny story written by Ellis Ian Fields

Wednesday, 4 July 2012

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Cern scientists revealing results from the Large Hadron Collider have claimed the discovery of a new particle consistent with the Higgs boson.

Boffins have been searching for 45 years for the particle which they believe will explain how matter attains mass.

Two experiments at the LHC have reached a level of certainty reckoned worthy of a "discovery".

More work will be needed to be certain that what they see is a Higgs, however.

But a former Metropolitan Police officer poured scorn on the discovery today, saying the investigation had taken far too long.

Ex-Detective Inspector Gerry 'Gripper' Flaming said: "Who is this Higgs Boson and why's it taken so long to nail the slag?

"In my days on the Sweeney, if it was taking so long to get a result we'd have fitted up some slag good and proper by now. Get some geezers on a beauty parade and some nark to ID him... Bob's yer auntie's live-in lover!"

The funny story above is a satire or parody. It is entirely fictitious.

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