Online email providers urged to adopt biometric passwords

Funny story written by IainB

Monday, 14 November 2011

image for Online email providers urged to adopt biometric passwords
Remember not only the characters used, but the speed and rhythm they were typed

After a recent spate of email account hacking the online email providers, like GoogleMail, Yahoo and Hotmail, have all been urged to adopt biometric password systems.

"Email hacking has become very sophisticated in recent months," said internet security guru, Doctor Bob Bobble. "We've seen some quite high powered accounts being hacked of late, and it comes down to the sheer number crunching power of botnets."

Doctor Bobble's security firm, SecureNet, has identified several cases where botnets, groups of infected computers, are being used to hack email accounts, and use those accounts to send out emails to the contact list of the hacked accounts that encourage people to visit a site that will unwittingly recruit them into the botnet, so that computer can be used to hack yet more accounts.

"Ultimately," said Bobble, "these malicious code engines are incredibly sophisticated, incredibly well written and completely fucking pointless. They serve no purpose other than increasing the size of the botnet."

The processing power of these botnets is off the scale, rivalling the supercomputers used at CERN and MIT for probing the depths of the atom and recreating the processes of the Big Bang.

"An awful lot of people would dearly love this much processing power," said Bobble. "They could do so much with it. What it's being used for is to crack ordinary people's passwords. The only solution we can see is to use biometric password recognition."

Doctor Bobble's biometric password recognition system, for which he holds the worldwide patent, recognises the cadence and force used to type passwords.

"People type passwords in the same way every time," said Bobble. "Dum de dum dum dum de dum bang! For instance. If this is accompanied by a mandatory minimum length of twelve characters made up of at least one capital, number and punctuation mark, that have to be changed to one never before used every month, then I believe the account hackers will be stymied."

Lee Male, who runs Hotmail's account security is not impressed.

"We can't really take these suggestions seriously," Male said. "Not when it comes from somebody called Bob Bobble."

The funny story above is a satire or parody. It is entirely fictitious.

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