London - An explosion of scare-in-the-community numbers is being blamed on alien-tampered wheat that's infiltrated the national food chain.
"You've only got to look at some Wiltshire residents' faces to see those Darwinian throwback genes surfacing," a Government study warned today.
The report confirms widespread fears of alien mind control as a bumper harvest of contaminated field produce hits supermarket shelves.
Shoppers' symptoms are particularly rife in Southern England counties which hosted nearly 80% of the year's crop circles - including the world-famous ganja pipe-smoking PMT alien near Stonehenge.
This week a new study of underground rivulets flowing beneath some of the most publicised geometric field etchings found a link to outbreaks of acne after a rash of doctors' surgeries reported strange zit formations emerging.
"Crop circle-shaped boil infestations are sprouting up on patients' lower extremities," a Devizes GP commented today.
"The itching can get so bad that people are ending up having a fit - especially when they get the Private Consultation bill in the post on account of the NHS refusing to believe it's a treatable problem."
Quite...
