Ten Predictions Absolutely Certain to be True in the Next Decade

Written by G. Brookings

Wednesday, 1 January 2020

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New Year Greetings from Cassandra of Troy!

1. Baby Boomers, Gen Xers and Millennials will all age at least ten years, although everyone will be able to deny it, as the socialist administrations of Presidents Sanders and Ocasio-Cortez, will offer free botox to anyone who needs it. And they will need it, since the state, in an effort to promote the idea that we are finally living in paradise, will punish anyone who dares to look old, disgruntled or hungry. Those who do will be quickly relocated to the vast new prison/hospital/crematorium complex once known as the city of Elizabeth, New Jersey.

2. Capitalism will at last find itself in the dustbin of history as socialism takes over Western Europe and the USA, just as Marx predicted. While the left-wing press will celebrate the victory, their editorial whooping and high-fives of hope for the new age will be cut short by the arrival of new government-approved editors who will demand a more decorous tone and more selective coverage of events. The new editors will reinforce one key point: the revolution will remain glorious, no matter what happens to the economy or what anyone might dare to say.

3. Human intelligence will thankfully decline as the progressive education agenda finally succeeds in turning individuals into receptive blank slates for the state to write on. This will be a good thing as all citizens will be granted new rights to forget history and unlearn what they thought they knew, but knew badly or imperfectly. After being reeducated everyone will think correctly and exactly alike, which will be a great comfort to so many. Imagine, no more awkward and uncomfortable dinner conversations about politics! Dialogue on potentially dangerous topics will be rare, and, when it does occur, it will consist of approved slogans and truisms, helpfully taught in schools and reeducation centers everywhere.

4. Unicorns will finally come off the endangered list and wander freely in suburban back yards, unseen by men, since no one will be able to live in the suburbs, with the end of fossil fuel production. The word “Suburb” will eventually evolve into a word for wilderness, as the end of gasoline powered vehicles returns humanity to the age of bipedal locomotion, a good thing for the exploding population of wolves, also removed from the endangered list, who will find walking and biking humans a tasty treat and a change from their usual diet of unicorns.

5. The Lincoln Memorial, the Jefferson Memorial and all statues, documents, and most art composed before the arrival of the glorious socialist revolution will be torn down, destroyed, hidden away or replaced by omnipresent statues of President Sanders, President Ocasio-Cortez, Hugo Chavez, Fidel Castro, Leon Trotsky, Che Guevara, and Harriet Tubman (who, after some debate, will replace all memorials of any kind to George Washington Carver). The new woke art of the socialist era will discard the corrupt capitalist art scene with its puerile emphasis on shocking the bourgeoisie. With no bourgeois to shock, the new art will aim to reinforce socialist values and facilitate social harmony.

6. Under socialism, racism will be administratively obliterated by the simple and belated expedient of replacing the racial designation “white” or “Caucasian” with more accurate and descriptive variants such as cream, vanilla, eggshell, vanilla, almond, etc., all the way to the widely reviled shade called “Trump bronze.” None of these paler skin tone cohorts will amount to more than 10% of the population, ending whatever privilege had been attached to them when they were a monolithic “white.”

7. Everything one needs will be free, if you know where to find what you need, since the sinfully overstocked and groaning shelves of the old capitalism will be replaced by the less wasteful shelves of an economy based on what is needed, not what is desired. Sure, there will be fewer things in general on those shelves, but no one will have more than his neighbor, bringing all motive for theft and other crimes of property to an end. It should be acknowledged that bribery and corruption will try to make a comeback, and so officials will also need to be watched. And the watchers will, of course, need to be watched.

8. The word “sacrifice” will come into vogue and remain as a verbal fixture, because people will be asked to give up things they dimly remember or read about in some book not torched by the censors, who aim only to create a vast safe space devoid of worry and envy. People will be asked to sacrifice much and often. They will also be asked to sacrifice the very human penchant to question why they are being asked to sacrifice. Some will begin to question, after so much sacrifice, if they are still human. There will be doctors for such people, and places to send them, so that the doctors can help them.

9. Robots will be everywhere. They will move in next door and have a desk in your office or place of work. They will not say much beyond pleasantries—YOU LOOK WELL TODAY, ROBERT SMITH--but they will work faster than humans, and simultaneously watch and record what people say and do. No one will need to take notes or use calendars or memo-pads or take photos with their Iphones, since the robots will be able to record everything you may need to remember, even reminding you of your next dentist appointment or to meet Johnny at school for the long walk home. They will also remind you if you seem likely to fail the glorious revolution. And they will helpfully alert the authorities to your failure before anything irrevocable can take place.

10. Under socialism, people will learn not to expect that a promise of ten predictions will produce that number of predictions and not, as in this case, only nine predictions. They will easily get by on only nine predictions, sacrificing much, in the hope that later generations will be able to enjoy the full ten. They will absolutely not take any pleasure in people pointing out that this is also a prediction and therefore paradoxical. Under socialism, no one will be permitted to make or convey a paradox, a decadent failure of logic, a thought without purpose or value.

The story above is a satire or parody. It is entirely fictitious.

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