It's 7am on Saturday. U.S. Army troops have arrived at the border of Mexico in El Paso. I'm in El Paso reporting for The Spoof. We're curious to see what 150,000 troops who cannot technically be deployed for police action will do here. President Trump has arrived to personally deal with the "Sealing" of the border, which we understand will involve using trained Canadian Seals as special detecting agents.
"Sargent! Sargent Moore!" yelled a Captain behind a desk in a large military tent. A man appears at the tent entrance and salutes the man at the desk, "Yes, Captain Abrams," said Sargent Moore.
"I want you to take 5,000 men down to the Walgreens, and get me a pack of chewing gum," said Captain Abrams.
"Yes, Sir! What flavor, sir?"
"How many packs, sir?"
"Just one," said Captain Abrams, "and be damned careful out there. We're seeing all kinds of roadside hazards, people walking their pets by the dozens around here, don't step in anything!"
"When's that load of Canadian Seals due to arrive? The president wants to personally oversee that!" yells Captain Abrams, "Private Ryan, where are they?"
The sound of seals barking loudly is heard over the noise of a diesel truck. Private Ryan, wearing ear protection, walks in the tent and removes the ear protection.
"Yes, Sir!", Private Ryan salutes, "all seals accounted for, Sir!"
"At ease, soldier, and good work. I want you to take a detail of 25,000 troops with you to help President Trump place these seals on the border."
"But, sir, where are all the fish going to come from to feed the seals? We've barely got enough left to keep them until tomorrow."
"That's all we need, son. Get the photo opps done, get the President smiling with the seals, get the seals back across the border to Canada before they notice they are missing. Got that?"
"Yes, SIR!" Ryan salutes and runs out of the tent. The truck starts up and pulls away, the noise of the seals fades, and is replaced by the sound of thousands of soldiers' boots marching by.
"Okay," says Captain Abrams, "I will take questions from the media now. Yes, you with that ridiculous logo."
"Yes, thank you. I represent The Spoof Magazine, JeanLeFete at your cervix, sir - I mean service, sir. My question is this: how is placing an endangered species of seals on the border of Mexico going to help "seal" the border? I mean, it does, I suppose, in a silly play on words, it does "SEAL" the border, but surely the President doesn't seriously think this will be a long-term solution?"
"Exactly!" responds Abrams. "We are sealing the border, and we have assured the President these seals have the technological ability to monitor every inch of the border. He will personally be here to ensure that they do."
"So it doesn't matter that these poor animals, apparently stolen from Canada, will not actually solve anything, but simply were brought here to appease the whims of a madman?" asked LeFete.
"We prefer to think of it as temporarily appropriating a means to an end. Make no mistake, we will "SEAL" this border! Nobody will come across without our being aware of it. These seals bark at the slightest provocation and nobody gets past them!" yelled Abrams.
Additional attempts to get a real answer proved futile. Meanwhile, the seals are actually on their way back to Canada after a 15-minute visit from President Trump in El Paso.
Future seal involvement in sealing the border will have to await the President's plan to turn the Rio Grand river into a large saltwater estuary for endangered seals, which the President feels will score him points with environmentalists, even though the temperatures of the region are way too hot for seals, and global warming will likely add to the current blistering summer temperatures. The total cost is currently estimated at 500 trillion dollars to completely SEAL the border.