Johnny Carson “Carnak The Magnificent” One Liners

Written by Dr. Billingsgate

Sunday, 16 December 2018

BILLINGSGATE POST: Johnny Carson was the very best. Some of his one liners:
"A loaf of bread, a jug of wine and thou."
Reading the contents of the envelope:
"Name three things that have yeast."
A: A, B, C, D, E, F, G.
Q: What were some of the earlier forms of Preparation H?
A: Shoo-be-doo-be-doo.
Q: What do you look for when you're tracking a shoo-be-doo-be?
A: Zippo Marx.
Q: What do you get when something gets caught in your Zippo?
A: Touchback.
Q: What's the smart thing to do if a Dallas Cowgirl touches you?
A: Kitchy-kitchy-koo.
Q: What do you call a military coup led by General Kitchy Kitchy?
A: Big Ben, Joe Namath and a candidate's campaign promises.
Q: What is a clock, a jock and a crock.
Answer: Sis Boom Bah
Question: What sound does a sheep make when it explodes?
Name what offence someone should automatically get the death sentence:
Johnny: Whoever told squirrels they were good at crossing the road!
Ed: Yassir Arafat
Johnny: Yassir Arafat
(envelope opening)
Johnny: What's the sound made when Dolly Parton removes her bra?
Johnny: "It was so cold outside..."
Audience: "How cold was it?"
Johnny: "It was so cold, the politicians had their hands in their own
pockets."
Answer: Donald, Benji, and Alexis Carrington
Rips open envelope...
Question: Name a duck, mutt, and a ****.
Karnak foresees the answer -- "Bobby Orr, Bobby Hull, Ed Sullivan."
Opens envelope for question: "Name two hockey players and a hockey
puck."
Some sad news from Australia....the inventor of the boomerang grenade
died today.
"A triple and a double, catcher's and fielder's, and Dolly Parton"
"Name two big hits, two big mitts.....and a famous country singer!"
Carnak: Do-whacka-do
Ed: Do-whacka-do
Carnack: What do you look for when you're hunting do-whackas?
Carnak: Dippity-do
Ed: Dippity-do
Carnak: What collects on your dippity in the morning?
A. "Knickerbocker"
Q. "What do you want to avoid doing when you shave her bocker?

The story above is a satire or parody. It is entirely fictitious.

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