Quality Part-Time Assistant Substance-Abuse Public Health Educator Needed Immediately in March of 2019

Written by Wesley Janson

Sunday, 23 December 2018

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La Crosse County, Wisconsin. Do you have major health problems because you've consumed truck loads of beer, tobacco, and a few 'other things' over the past 20-25 years? Are your body and mind slowly falling apart as you approach the age of 40? Is life an existential nightmare that you simply cannot escape? When you cough, do you see 'pretty little stars' floating around as you struggle to keep from fainting? Of course you do!
The La Crosse County Administrative Department of Special Needs and Concerns is looking for a dysfunctional, emotionally-crippled, anxiety-filled candidate who 'fell apart' as a person years ago, and whose urine is so incredibly toxic, that it will burn right through the sample cup when drug tested. If your liver is destroyed and your left kidney jumped out of your body in order to preserve itself, that will also help.
Starting wages will be 9 dollars-an-hour, but if your personal story is so incredibly sad and pathetic that it makes us laugh, we will increase it to $9.15. (Telling us about your romantic failures, your obsessive-compulsive disorder, and the woman who left you for a man with a bigger penis WILL LEAD to a retirement package including both medical and dental benefits.)
Some education would be nice, but if you've completely forgotten what you learned from the social worker who tried to counsel you in prison, that's completely OK. At some point in the future, however, we may ask you to at least be able to point to a 'picture' of a school without puke spraying all over the place.
The job requirements are not that difficult, and we won't ask you to drive anywhere because we know you can't. All you really have to do is sit in a 'special cage' and drink beer while talking about your experiences, as tears roll down your face, before you drool all over yourself and 'blank out' completely. We need you to do this for approximately 3-5 hours on Mondays, Tuesdays, and Wednesdays, as we display you in front of students in various school districts who are struggling to keep their acts together.
No application is necessary. Just send us a picture of your face, or call us so that we can listen to you talk for a little while.

The story above is a satire or parody. It is entirely fictitious.

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