10 Extremely Brutal and Horrifying Things That You Should Never Say on a First Date

Funny story written by Wesley Janson

Sunday, 17 June 2018


The funny story you are trying to access may cause offense, may be in poor taste, or may contain subject matter of a graphic nature. This story was written as a satire or parody. It is entirely fictitious.

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WARNING: This article was written by a severely angry, lonely, aging, balding, alcoholic who knows absolutely nothing about dating and who is currently suffering a severe mid-life crisis. It also contains needless and vile descriptions of anal explosions, butt-sex, pre-ejaculatory fluid, and jerking-off. If you consider yourself to be a decent and moral person, you will probably turn your computer off and simply read a good book. I would also like to mention that this article was not edited for the purposes of decency. Please Enjoy!

#1) “I hope you’re having a good time tonight. I just wanted to let you know that I promise to re-adjust the steering wheel in my truck so that you don’t bump your head later on.”

This is an extremely rude and horrible thing to say on a first date, and it’s not something you should ever say when you are trying to get to know someone. It is both arrogant and egotistical to assume that you are charming enough to convince your new date to sexually please you before the night is over.

If you are actually willing to say this to a woman on a first date, then you need to ask yourself what kind of a person you really are. You may even need to spend a significant amount of time on self-improvement before you proceed to look for somebody special in your life. Behavior like this will not lead to a healthy or lasting relationship with someone else.

You should also not mention that you realized your steering wheel needed re-adjusting after her sister bumped her head on it last night.

#2) “Thank you for meeting me tonight. I want to let you know that my husband, Brad, is much more relaxed with the idea of me having multiple relationships than he used to be. He did some prison time for punching through the windshield of my previous boyfriend’s car, pulling him out, breaking his back, and then tearing off half of his face. However, I’m happy to say that he has lightened up a lot since he was released 2 days ago.”

Having what is called an “open marriage” is never a good idea. Many couples believe that having multiple partners will liven up (or perhaps even strengthen) their marriage when things become boring after several years, but these types of open relationships only tend to complicate things. They can lead to jealousy, confusion, marital tension, arguments, divorce, and some poor guy getting a broken pool cue jammed inside his asshole.

I simply don’t recommend the idea of having an “open marriage.” It’s much safer to just hold an image of someone in your mind while you ‘crank one off’ in the toilet before peacefully going to sleep at night.

#3) “Excuse me, I’ll be right back. I find you so incredibly attractive that some pre-ejaculatory fluid has leaked out and caused my penis to become stuck to my leg.”

Try not to discuss body fluids when you meet someone for the first time. It’s considered rude for some reason. Body fluids are fun, interesting, and exciting, and they are certainly a big part of everyday life, but it’s not a good idea to talk about them on a first date.

If you have a problem with some pre-ejaculatory fluid coming out of your penis while you’re at a restaurant with a lovely, young woman, then you should simply (and quietly) go into the nearest men’s rest-room so that you can clean it off. If you actually have to urinate while you’re in there, then just make sure that you don’t sneeze when standing in front of the urinal. Sneezing will often force out a fart, and laughing at that fart will cause you to pee all over yourself, your shoes, and probably even the person standing next to you.

Releasing pre-ejaculatory fluid, sneezing, farting, and peeing all over yourself will only make your first date much more difficult and awkward than it really has to be.

#4) “I was wiping my ass last night when I accidentally farted and blew shit all over my hand.”

Again, I need to emphasize that talking about things that come out of your body is never a good idea on a first date. This rule applies to both men and women. Imagine you’re a man on a first date and your potential girlfriend says the following:

“Gosh, this restaurant is so lovely. I just have to make sure that I don’t order anything with corn. The last time I ate corn, I farted so incredibly hard that all of the hair surrounding my vagina blew off.”

(Yeah, I wouldn’t like it either.)

#5) “I hope you’re OK with the fact that I’ve had sex with a lot of men. (I also hope you’re OK with the fact that it was at the same time.) If you’re fine with that, then I should probably also mention that they were inmates in the prison system that I work for…and that it happened last night before I got done with my shift.”

I can’t really put my finger on it, but there’s just something so appealing and subtly attractive about all of those special people we call “inmates.” The way they cheat, lie, steal, molest, rape, murder, and generally harm others seems truly magical and maybe even a little “cute.” I think the biggest draw, however, is the way they butt-fuck each other all the time. In addition to all that, those orange and sometimes green uniforms they wear are just so “drop-dead” sexy.

Maybe these are the reasons why so many correctional officers, both male and female, enjoy having sex with them all the time. I can see how the vicious, manipulative, predatory, and unpredictable natures they possess (as well as their complete lack of empathy for the people they hurt and take advantage of) can be a real “steamy” turn-on.

It always comforts me to know that those individuals who have jobs as correctional officers with the ultimate mission of guarding, protecting, and serving our communities are actually very busy groping, fondling, stroking, sucking off, and fucking all of those bad people we put behind bars.

#6) “I can’t even tell you how great it felt when you went down on me earlier tonight. I haven’t been that excited since I was at the Zoo.”

Nothing says, “I think we have a future together” like getting down on your knees and ‘eating someone out’ or ‘sucking them off’ until they release a nice, big load in your mouth.

If you happen to be lucky or charming enough on a first date to get someone to lick your butt, fondle your balls, tickle your vagina, or wrap their lips around the head of your throbbing penis, then try really hard not to end the evening by saying something foolish like this. A statement like this might cause the other person to question your background a little bit. They may even slightly regret pleasing you and then swallowing all of your love juice without getting to know you as a person first.

Having somebody put their face in your genitals is a really good ice-breaker, and it can certainly relieve some of the nervousness and tension that often accompany a first date. But don’t become overconfident! It’s still possible to ruin things even after you blow your load all over somebody’s face.

#7) “I should let you know that my ex-boyfriend is a power-lifter and a former boxer. Watching him beat the shit out of other people always got my vaginal juices flowing. He is the jealous type, but I think you’ll be safe. I broke up with him 25 minutes ago, and he seemed to understand that it was over.”

It’s always good to feel safe on a first date knowing that there is a comfortable amount of time and distance between your potential match and his or her previous lover.

However, if you are the adventurous type and you like to move fast, then nothing spells “excitement” like having your head beat in, your testicles ripped off, or one of your eyeballs stabbed out by somebody else who still has an “attachment problem.”

#8) “You WERE telling the truth! It’s just as big and long as you said it would be. Wow! I’m really impressed!”

In all honesty, I didn’t hear these words on a date. A female friend of mine came over to visit, and I showed her the new vacuum cleaner attachment that I purchased at the store.

That part isn’t actually true, either. I don’t have any female friends.


#9) “I mournfully regret to acknowledge that the sadness, pain, and loneliness that I’ve suffered throughout the years have distorted my view of life. But my view of your boobs won’t be distorted if you pull your shirt down just a little bit.”

Easy there, Mr. Slick! You may want to slow down and back up a few steps. This is what I call the “I’m Attempting To Gain Your Sympathy So That You Will Titty-Fuck Me” approach.

No matter how well you word it, you are basically trying to get a woman to feel sorry for you so that she will sleep with you on the first date. Striving to gain the affection of an attractive woman through ‘pity’ is a strategy that never works.

I’ve tried to use this strategy before, and I still try to use it every time I gaze euphorically at an attractive woman who looks like she has a happy life and a good future ahead of her as I hopelessly admire her beauty from afar while gently holding back the tears of sadness that spring from the essential loneliness of my own being after years upon years of sorrow and painful experiences.

and finally…

#10) “When it comes to relationships and money, I am the Boss No Matter What! If you don’t give me what I want, I will nag at you until you have a heart-attack and then I will rip your tiny, little pecker off and stick it right in your ear before I fuck every single one of your best friends. I have savagely manipulated and destroyed the hearts and lives of many men, and I don’t plan on stopping with you! When I’m finished with you, I will simply move on to something better. I don’t have any problems with guilt because I’m beautiful, and I have a Vagina! That means I can pretty much do anything I want. So, when do I get to meet your family?”

The funny story above is a satire or parody. It is entirely fictitious.

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