A Thanksgiving Editorial: In Praise of the Common Turkey

Funny story written by D. L. Hawkinson

Monday, 13 November 2017

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This bird is better than you are. Hang around with the chickens. You probably have a lot in common with them.

As just about all educated people know, turkeys are among the smartest animals on the planet, perhaps in the galaxy.

If they were mammals instead of birds, they would, in fact, be the smartest animals on the planet. (For some reason, known only to theoretical physicists, bird neural DNA seems to suffer from "leakage," also known as accelerated entropic seasoning syndrome. Because this is a highly abstract area for discussion, one that is also incredibly mind-numbingly tedious--and of little use at keg parties or faculty mixers--it won't be discussed further here.)

Turkeys are smart. That is the proposition. They're downright brilliant, in fact.

"How come," you might ask, "if turkeys are so smart, they end up in the freezer section of the local grocery store about this time every year? Why don't they escape? Why don't they colonize some deserted island, from which to plan their takeover of the world?" (Such questions suggest one thing: You've been watching too much bad TV.)

Nevertheless, that's a good question--the first one. The other ones are just piffle-paffle.

Now for the answer.

Turkeys are also selfless.

That's it.

You were looking for something profound?

First of all, why? You're reading The Spoof. You can't be looking for anything profound based solely on wandering around this goofball site--much less looking for anything worthwhile to read, for that matter.

Let's see if I can size you up: You're probably at work right now. So you're cheating your boss out of company time. That's called time theft. Really, would you be looking for something profound while committing time theft? I think not. And if you're reading The Spoof while you're unemployed, well, that just makes you pathetic. Get off your lazy arse and get a job. You won't make any money reading The Spoof. And forget about being a writer. We all know how well The Spoof pays. NOT.

To return to the central thesis at the risk of repeating myself: Turkeys are selfless. They're smart. (And they're probably more ambitious than you are, given the incredible lack of focus and aimless drift that obviously characterize your life. You should really do some soul searching, by the way. Talk to an old teacher. Visit with your minister. Belly up alongside an old bar buddy. Cut down on smoking weed.)

Now you might counter that turkeys aren't selfless because they have no control from the point they're cracking themselves out of the bondage of their eggs to the point their scrawny necks are hacked off by someone gainfully employed (get the hint?). But you'd be wrong. Seriously. In fact, your analysis would prove to be quite empty-headed, and your friends would be quite embarrassed for you.

I can hear your brain all the way from over here--and that's a long way. You're planning to shift the focus of the argument by raising the issue of chickens (which is almost a pun). That's a likely strategy.

So you're going to say, "Hey, if turkeys are selfless, then why can't chickens be selfless, hunh?"

I feel sorry for you. About thirty seconds of research will tell you that (1) chickens are dumber than the beatles they peck from the grass, (2) chickens evolved off a completely different branch of the chicken-like bird evolutionary tree, one which is replete with birds that have gone extinct (like the dodo and its many cousins) and (3) chickens were born with evil in their eyes--it's the mark of Cain. If they were scaled up three times their normal size, they wouldn't hesitate to peck out your eyes and eat your entrails. That's right.

On a side note: If you're a vegetarian because you like the cute, cuddly little creatures out there in creature-land, then I'd strongly advise you to take up eating chickens. They're evil, and they need to be destroyed.

So stop your vain attempts at specious reasoning and just sit down and think for a little while. Just sit. Or perch, if you'd like. (Small bird joke there for you bird joke aficionados.)

If you still don't understand, reread this editorial until you do. It may take several weeks. Until you DO understand, I recommend you DO NOT eat turkey during Thanksgiving. You shouldn't eat a bird that you DO NOT understand.

It wouldn't be respectful.

Simply put, you haven't earned the right.

NOW GET THE HELL OFF THIS SITE and do something with your life!

Let the turkey be your guide!

Be the turkey!

Be the turkey!

Be the turkey!

The funny story above is a satire or parody. It is entirely fictitious.

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